Page 30 of Dagger

Elise

John’s deep, growly, alpha voice ricocheted through my head.

Stop bein’ so damned cute, and I’ll stop calling you baby.

I closed my eyes, attempting to erase the words from my brain and concentrate on the conversation going on between Brett, Colt, and Pete, but it was easier said than done.

A long time ago, I had to make a conscious decision to accept that John and I were over in every sense of the word. Since then, I hadn’t allowed myself to dream it would ever happen for us.

Our relationship marked me and razed me to the ground.

For a long time, I felt a lot of guilt. Over the years, I’d realized it wasn’t my fault. When Robert took my baby, I was young, inexperienced, lost, and grieving. Mentally, I was incapable of besting him, so I had to capitulate to his demands.

Slowly, I got my head straight and began to fight back in the ways I could. But even then, I walked a fine line between trying to secretly take down my husband while still keeping Constance safe. Living that way made me calculated. Every aspect of my life became premeditated, almost like one big game of chess.

The woman I became was such a far cry from the girl John knew. Wearing my heart on my sleeve equated to weakness,because every time I’d been vulnerable and trusted someone, they’d screwed me over.

I didn’t give any of myself away anymore. The last time was the night I met Tucker, but even then, the universe found a way to fuck me over by taking Agent Sears away.

Allowing myself to be vulnerable wasn’t worth the heartache, so I stopped doing it.

I still cared about the people in my life. Hannigan, Brett, and now Colt meant something to me, but I never let myself get too deep. My demeanor was frosty because my heart had turned to ice a long time ago. Loving people always led to heartbreak.

Except now, Sophie, Belle, and even Atlas had thawed me a little, though I had to admit I was still holding back because life had conditioned me that way. If I’d learned one thing, it was self-preservation.

Then John called me baby and said I was cute. For a split second, I felt the same thrill as I did when I used to settle on the back of Johnny’s bike and press my cheek against his back.

Reliving the love I felt for Stone was beautiful, even liberating.

And dangerous.

Thirty years ago, I lost everything. I had to find a way to come to terms with that and learn how to live a life I hated. The thought of softening filled me with dread, because being soft meant opening up to people again, and I didn’t know if I had it in me.

I’d try for Sophie and Belle, but I couldn’t do it for John, not again. My soul warmed when he called me cute and baby, but I had to shut it down because he’d already shown me how easily he could believe the worst in me, even though he knew me better.

It just wasn’t worth the risk.

The sound of Brett softly calling my name pulled me from my thoughts.

“Elise, You okay?” he asked.

The corners of my mouth hitched wryly. “Yeah. I guess I’m still groggy from the meds. Sorry, what were you saying?”

“We were about to call Hannigan,” Colt explained. “But we can give you a minute if you need it.”

I glanced at the giant screen mounted on the office wall and gave a decisive nod. “I’m good. Make the call.”

Colt’s fingers flew over the keys of his laptop until the screen lit up, and Pete’s face appeared. “Status report,” he barked.

“We’ve filled the club officers in,” Colt told him. “They knew we were involved, so there was no point lying, not if we want to build a relationship with them, and honestly, they’d worked most of it out when I was part of the club. All we did was fill in the blanks.”

Pete nodded along thoughtfully. “We knew it could come to that eventually. Need to give you a heads-up, too. We’ve received an official complaint from Sheriff Dodds. Says you’re obstructing and getting involved in police work that isn’t in your jurisdiction.”

My stomach dropped.

“I’m gonna write a report this afternoon and send it in,” Colt explained. “In this case, I think we need to fight fire with fire. I still say Dodds is the weakest link. If we send Internal Affairs in to question him, he’ll cave.”

“Agreed,” Brett added. “He’s a racist, sexist homophobe. Half his force can’t stand him, and the other half turns a blind eye to his incompetence. Henderson only keeps him on as sheriff because he can control him. Dodds is certainly no mastermind.”

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