Page 111 of Colt

I opened my mouth to deny every word and admit I’d been an asshole, but nothing came out. There was so much pressure on my shoulders already with the Sinners, the mayor, and the FB—fucking I. Adding Freya into the mix and the fallout we’d cause when everything came out was too much. Maybe she was better off out of it. I needed to deal with one problem at a time.

I’d claim her, but I needed to let her go, at least until I left Wyoming. We could see where we were at after I’d gone and regroup then.

“I’m sorry,” I murmured, tucking a stray lock of hair behind her ear. “You’re right, the timing’s shit. I never thought of the bigger picture. It was selfish of me to keep you around when I couldn’t do the right thing by you. If there’s one thing I know above everythin’ else, Freya, it’s that you deserve the world. Problem is, right now I’m not in a position to give it to ya.”

Freya squeezed her eyes closed and lowered her head. It was as if my words physically wounded her. Her small frame trembled, like the bottom had just fallen out of her world.

“I’m an asshole,” I went on. “I shouldn’t have started this up.”

She flinched and my gut dropped because I knew I’d just delivered the final blow. I expected her to start ranting, to lose her shit and slap me, God knew I deserved it.

But she didn’t. Instead, Freya took a deep shuddering breath, her slender shoulders rising and falling beneath her tee. Her eyes opened again, and I saw they were brimming with hurt and despair, but also resignation and even acceptance.

She lifted her fingers, cupped my jaw, and stroked her thumb over my stubble. “I hope you find it someday, Colt,” she murmured. “When you do, I hope I’m there to see it.”

My head reared back, her words striking a chord deep inside me. “Find what?” I snarled, trying to mask the stab of vulnerability threatening to surface. I wasn’t that man anymore, weak and trusting; I’d learned a long time ago the only person I could depend on was me.

Freya smiled sadly as a lone tear tracked down her cheek. “Take care.” With a final, lingering glance, she turned on her heel and walked out the door, leaving me alone with my heart cracking inside my chest.

I stared after her, marveling at how her inner strength put mine to shame.

Freya had always been the person who propped me up. Nobody else brought so much light to my dark fucked-up world, but what we had was too much, too soon. Even after a few days of being home I could see her light fading and I knew I was the one snuffing it out. If I wasn’t careful, she’d consume me; I couldn’t risk it, not after last time. There was a reason I didn’t get too close to people, the thought of showing her who I was underneath made my throat constrict.

Freya needed a man who could pay her attention and give her what she needed, not a screwed up, jaded old hacker who’d been walking around dealing with Daddy issues for the last twenty years.

It was crazy how it took me twelve years to get her, and then I’d gone and fucked everything up in one night.

For someone so smart, sometimes, I was a fucking idiot.

The reason I didn’t ever make snap decisions came to light within hours, because by the afternoon, I was already deeply regretting my decision.

My concentration was shot to pieces. Every time I sat back and closed my eyes, all I could see were my princess’s tear-filled golden-browns looking pleadingly up at me. It had been days since I’d held her, but I could still feel the warmth of her body pressed against mine, taste the bittersweet memory of her lips, and it drove me fucking crazy knowing I’d given it all up on a whim.

I leaned forward, holding my head in my hands.

For days, a voice in the back of my mind had been telling me to end things with Freya, for her sake. My feelings for her were so immense and consuming that I didn’t want to subject her to all the bullshit affecting my life. But now I’d backed off, something wasn’t sitting right with me.

My head told me I’d done the right thing, but my heart was dying at the thought of her not being mine. At first, I’d felt noble and righteous for letting her go, but as time wore on, my skin began to feel tight and itchy, like it was too snug to contain all my emotions.

Maybe I’d been a little hasty.

And also a bit of a prick.

I closed my eyes and cursed under my breath, asking what the fuck was wrong with me?

Back in Denver, I’d been happier than I had for years, and one hundred percent committed to building a future with Freya, but since we’d been home, all I’d done was self-sabotage and push her away.

I wondered why that would be when Freya was everything to me. Deep down I knew there wouldn’t be another woman in my life, only her. If I lost my woman, I’d lose my future, so why had I been so intent on pushing her away?

Jeez, I needed more therapy than shit-for-brains Cash, and that was saying something.

Suddenly, my throat went dry as a bone and my fingers tremored as the weight of my decision hit me like Thor’s goddamned hammer.

“You’re such a fuckin’ idiot,” I muttered to myself, the words weaving around my soul like a curse. My heart contracted painfully at the notion that I’d really gone and fucked-up this time.

Rising to my feet, I pocketed my cell, intending to sneak down to Freya’s room, apologize, and hope I hadn’t screwed everything up too much, but I was stopped by the sound of heavy footsteps.

After a few seconds, Bowie appeared at the door. “Yo. Gotta go into town to meet Callum and Donovan O’Shea. Wanna come?”

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