Page 43 of Kiren

He dropped Brobear between us and reached around me, hugging.

“Do we need a bath tonight, too?”

His head came up. He kissed me fast, a tease. “Daddy, I don’t like having my shirt off. Is it wrong to take a bath with a shirt on?”

“Hmm. I don’t think there are any rules that we can’t make ourselves. And tonight, the rule is you can keep your shirt on if you want.”

“Okay. I want a bath.”

“Are you not quite ready to tell me why you want your shirt?”

“Nosy nokee. Can’t do.” He rubbed his sweet face up and down my blazer lapel.

“All right, then. Let’s go up. I’ll start the bath.”

“Ya, Daddy.”

I carried him upstairs and lay him gently on the bed. I thought about taking him downstairs. The tub had water jets. The changing table was right nearby. Also, the diapers and pacifiers.

But I was a slippery daddy, too. I had stashes of those things upstairs. And my bedroom had become an intimate, safe space for both of us. I wanted everything to happen there.

Kiren kept Brobear tightly curled in one arm. His head went back on the bed, his eyes rolling up before they closed.

“Stay still for Daddy. I’m going back downstairs for the clothes basket.”

His arms came up, eyelids closed but twitching. “Daddy. Don’t go.”

“It will take me ten seconds. Can you count to ten?”

“Nokee. Ten too much.”

“Your rocket jammies are in that basket.”

He took a deep breath. “Don’t go. Undress me.”

I thought about being firmer with him, but he was so needy in the moment, and such a baby, I couldn’t do anything but cater to his whims. I would do anything to keep that high and keep Kiren closer. He was letting loose, letting himself go deeper into his trust. I couldn’t pause to deal with anything else.

Later for the jammies. Right now, I wanted to hold and undress my boy.

14

Kiren

My heart beat fast, humming against my chest walls. I wasn’t cold, but it seemed cold if I didn’t have my daddy right by my side. I didn’t want him to leave. Not even to grab my clean jammies.

I allowed myself to sink into little space because I knew I now had a daddy who would catch me if I ever fell too far. It felt good to let go.

The things around me, though solid and real, receded to shapes with color and texture. Old worlds faded. My new world consisted of being the perfect boy for my daddy and nothing else. He would feed my needs with care.

It was difficult to reconcile being greedy in my desires, allowing myself to force another to care for me. To do everything for me.

When I was injured, there was no choice. I didn’t want that sort of care. I was forced into it. But now I wanted this. A perfectalternative to pain and losing a part myself. This was pleasure and gaining back an innocent time of wholeness.

Max loved me. I had learned of it all week long. He showed me in every move he made, every expression, every word.

I held back many parts of myself to watch, to make sure. But I knew now. The little Secret Santa gifts. The Dirty Shirley. The meals. How wonderful he was about meeting my parents. The way he hugged me so gently knowing something was wrong with my back, but never pressuring me about it. He loved me. He was my daddy.

Max undid my shirt and, while supporting my shoulders, helped me out of it. When he had me all naked except for my undershirt, he lifted me up. I put my arms around his neck and wrapped my legs around his waist. His palms cupped my naked ass as we walked into the bathroom.

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