Page 22 of Kiren

Max madehamburgers and hotdogs for dinner.

“I love both.” I was so excited that he’d chosen more kid-like food. Not that I didn’t like a rare steak once in a while, but I was in little mode. I wanted ketchup and melted cheese on my burger.

When he served me, he set a little toy by my plate. It was a plastic hamburger on a thin, blue cord long enough for me to wear around my neck. I immediately put it on.

“It’s like a McDonald’s happy meal with a toy, only better. Thank you, Daddy.”

“You’re welcome. Enjoy.”

Now I wondered: Did he have little toys stashed and hidden throughout the house? It seemed like he might. I had an urge to snoop.

After dinner, I went to Max, who was just finishing the cleanup, and put my hand on his arm.

“I ready for jammies with feet, Daddy.” My voice got more babyish in tone and grammar as I thought about curling up with him. I still wasn’t sure I’d be spending the night. He hadn’t actually invited me.

“That’s wonderful. Let me help you.”

I hesitated. I wanted help dressing just like any little would. But I didn’t want him to see my body. At least, not my whole body.

“Do you want help?” he asked, noting my silence.

“Yes.” It wasn’t a lie. I wanted his hands on me. His attention.

“Go get them and meet me upstairs in my bedroom. You can change there.”

I watched him finishing up with the counters and start the dishwasher. I turned away, running to the living room and grabbing my pajamas. Before I could change my mind, I ran upstairs.

I turned on the light and faced the stuffies on the bed pillows.

“You’re all so cute.” I spoked aloud. “You belong to Max and that’s got to be a good space to be in. I want to belong to him, too. But I’m still learning.”

I set the pajamas out on the bed. The material had blue and yellow rocket ships against a backdrop of blue and yellow stars. I ran my hand down the front.

“I’m not perfect like you guys. But maybe Max will still like me.”

Just then, Max walked into the room. “Talking to the room?”

“To your toys.”

“Good. They like being talked to.”

I looked up at him. He didn’t laugh. His eyes were shiny with something else.

“Still all right with the plan?” he asked.

“Yes.”

“Off with your shoes. Then your shirt and pants.”

I did everything he told me to do. I had looked forward to this moment and put on an undershirt that morning.

Once I was down to my white underwear and white undershirt, I stood up.

“Do you want to wear the shirt underneath?”

I nodded hard, curls shaking into my eyes. That had been my plan.

“That’s fine.” Max took up the pajamas and started undoing the buttons. He held them out for me to step into. “Hey, they have a back flap.”

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