Page 106 of A Scoring Chance

“What the fuck are you doing, Alise? He’s obviously in pain. Why the hell is she hitting him?” I chastise her, but I have a feeling there’s more to the story. Someone doesn’t just punch through a bathroom mirror for no reason.

“It’s okay, Beauty.” Tears stream down his cheeks as he wraps his arms around Alise. “I'm so sorry, Lissy Loo Loo.”

She wiggles in his arms, saying no a few times before a soft sob escapes her lips, and she wraps her arms tightly around him. Her tiny frame trembles as she says something to him. I can’t make out the words, but Cooper must hear them because his arms tighten around her. I see his lips moving as he leans closer to her ear before unwrapping himself from around her body and taking a step back.

She stares at him for a few moments before lifting her chin and heading right out the door with Beau on her heels. Cooper moves slowly toward me as if he’s afraid I’ll disappear the moment he closes his eyes.

“Oh, Cooper.” I spread my arms open wide, and he surges toward me. An anguished cry escapes his lips as he falls to his knees beside my bed. His arms wrap around my waist as he buries his nose in the soft flesh of my stomach, the wetness of his tears seeping through the thin hospital gown.

“I thought I’d lost you. I thought Annamarie had gotten to you, and I snapped. I couldn’t deal with the pain of knowing that I’d done it again. That I was to blame for one of the most important people in my life’s death.”

My hand slides through his hair, soothing him the best I can. “What do you mean? There’s no way it’s your fault that anything happened to me at all. And what do you mean about being blamed for someone’s death? What happened?”

“It’s my fault Dad died when I was fifteen years old. I know it wasn’t directly my fault, but if I hadn’t been so selfish, maybe we could’ve saved him.”

My heart breaks for Cooper as he tells me what happened to his father. About the family camping trip, his father’s heart attack, and his subsequent fall. I know exactly how Cooper is feeling, the pain and guilt of believing that your loved ones would be alive if you had made a different decision.

“I know he had a heart attack. He could’ve died in his recliner in the living room that night for all I know, but I knew he wasn’t feeling well. I knew before we even left the house, but I wanted my birthday trip. I wanted that memory with my family so badly that it cost Dad his life.”

He twists his face up to me, the pure anguish of all the emotions he’s been holding inside for all these years written all over his face. “It was not your fault.” He tries to turn his face away from me, but I grab his chin, twisting it to force him to look at me. “It was not your fault.”

“Logically, I know that.”

“But the voice in your head is telling you something else. It's telling you that everything that has ever happened to a member of your family since that moment was your fault. The same voice drives you to give everything you have to your family and the people you care for, even if it's to your detriment.”

The tears I’ve been trying to keep at bay since Cooper started telling me his story spill down my cheeks. I know exactly how he’s feeling because I fight to block out those same feelings. When I told Cooper about what happened to Dad and Imani, it felt like a burden had been lifted off my soul. That there was finally someone in this world who could help me shoulder the burden. Now it's my turn to do the same for Cooper.

“Yes, but there’s more.” Cooper sits up, using the palms of his hands to wipe away the tears as he holds his bandaged arms outto me. “I did this to punish myself. I needed the pain to remind me of what I’d done, to make me pay for what I believed I had done to you.”

“You were angry and afraid. It’s understandable for someone to lash out.” My hands flutter around his bandaged arms, not knowing where I can touch him and not cause him any more pain.

“No, Beauty. Remember the bruises and small cuts I had all over my wrists after the barbecue for Darius’s birthday?”

“Yes.” I gasp, my mind finally connecting the dots.

Cooper practices self-harm. It's his way of punishing himself for what he believes he’s done. A physical reminder of the pain he’s caused others. Tears blur my vision as the all-consuming need to protect him from his demons fills my soul. Cooper has been dealing with so much all on his own, but he’s finally ready to face his demons.

“I did that to punish myself. If I hadn’t been at the barbecue, they wouldn’t have said all of those things about Darius.” He inhales deeply, his eyes begging me to listen to everything he has to say, but there’s also something else: fear. He’s afraid to tell me these things, that this might be the final straw to send me running away from him, but he has the wrong idea completely. I understand this beautifully broken man in a way no one else on this planet can. I may not have ever harmed myself, but I thought about ending my life.

The thoughts scared me so badly that I started therapy the following morning. I’d been fighting every day to keep from falling into the abyss and letting the voice in my head control me. I knew I needed to pick myself up so I could be there for Darius and Ma. I started therapy for the two of them, but I continue going for myself.

“I don’t know when or why I started doing it specifically, but I don’t want to do it anymore. When Beau asked me if I’d triedto kill myself, I wanted to tell him no, but I really have no idea what I was thinking. I couldn’t stop imagining that you were hurt and could’ve died. It broke me, and I just wanted to make myself pay.”

“I understand, Cooper.” I lay my palm on his cheeks, and he nuzzles into it, planting a kiss on the inside of my wrist. “But you have to want to get better for yourself. You can’t do anything for someone else. It’s a good reason to start, but nothing is going to change until you take the first step in healing.”

“Will you help me?”

I press my mouth to his, pouring all the love I have for this beautiful man into him. Hoping that he finally understands that there’s someone out there who gets him. Who loves him for him and not just what he might do for them. That there’s someone who will slay the dragons and stand beside him as he fights his own demons every day. “I’ll be there every step of the way. You’re not getting rid of me that easily, Cooper Hendrix.”

“Thank you, Beauty. Thank you.” My thumbs brush against his cheek as he leans forward, pressing his lips against mine a second time.

I slowly scoot over, leaving enough space on the side of the bed for him to climb in. He gets the hint and slides under the blanket, careful not to jostle me too much as he snuggles into my side. His eyes drift shut but fly open almost immediately as he fights to stay awake. “Sleep, Cooper. I’m not going anywhere.”

“I love you, Ramona King.”

“I love you, too, Cooper Hendrix.”

It doesn’t take long for his breathing to even out as he falls into a deep sleep, giving me some time to process everything that he’s told me. The minute I laid eyes on Cooper at the herd crossing all those months ago, I knew there was something about him. I usually never flirted with people visiting town. Hell, I never flirted at all, but something compelled me to thatday. Then I found out that he’s the town hero and my nephew’s hockey coach. Someone somewhere had a hand in pushing us toward each other.

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