Page 99 of The Drummer's Heart

Atticus led me upstairs. There were three bedrooms, one primary and two others.

“I was surprised there were only three bedrooms, given the size of the house,” he said. “But we can always put on an addition someday.”

“Well, I guess they’re all accounted for, then,” I said.

“They are?”

“Our room, Christian’s, and the baby’s.”

Atticus’s eyes filled with emotion.

“I know you’ve doubted whether I could accept Christian into my life, and with good reason,” I told him. “But there’s no way I can be with you without accepting Christian as my son, too. The old me could never have fathomed that. She had way too much ego to consider such radical acceptance. But I’ve grown and learned so much about forgiveness in the past several months. Letting go of the jealousy and animosity over how Christian came to be gives me the freedom to love both of you.”

Atticus exhaled as he wrapped his arms around me. “Thank you,” he whispered.

We returned downstairs, and I noticed a set of built-in shelves just outside the kitchen. They had recessed lighting and displayed dozens of Starbucks mugs, each from a different location around the world. Atticus knew I liked to collect those, but because I didn’t travel all that much, I’d only ever had a handful from various states—nothing from outside of the US.

“What’s this?” I asked.

“Took you long enough to notice.” He smiled. “Whenever the band and I were in a new city, I’d try to get you one or I’d ask whoever was going to fetch coffee to get me one. A few times they got broken or lost in transit, but these are all the ones I saved. I brought them home after every tour. I never knew if I’d havethe chance to give them to you, but collecting them was my way of hanging on to hope. I recently came up with the idea for this shelf, so I wrapped them all up, put them in a box, and asked Tina to set them up for me here. As you can see, no matter where I was in the world, I was always thinking of you.”

CHAPTER 34

ATTICUS

The last song we performed each night on tour featured my drum solo. Tristan would look over at me, and I’d nod before launching into the thunderous rhythm that evolved into an explosion of beats mixed with crashes of cymbals. The crowd always went wild—talk about an ego boost.

This performance in Philly had been probably one of the best of my career. It was only the second stop of this tour, and I should’ve been totally revved up since we hadn’t had time yet to tire of traveling.

But instead, I felt empty when the show was over, no longer thrilled by the excitement I’d once felt at the start of a tour or at the end of my drum solo. It was disheartening and troubling. There was just a lot on my mind. I was still in a funk after Mimi’s passing, sad that she’d never know her great-grandchild and that I hadn’t gotten to say goodbye.

Tristan caught up with me in the dressing room. “Hey, man. Freaking amazing performance tonight.”

“Thanks.” I hung my head—not exactly the reaction you should give when you’ve just been given a compliment.

“What’s up?” he asked. “Everything okay?”

“I’m pretty miserable, actually, if you want to know the truth. I miss Nicole. I feel like I should be there for her. And I don’t see an end to these absences with our music still blowing up the way it is. I don’t want you to think I don’t appreciate how lucky weare. But some days, I just want a normal life. And today is one of those days.”

He nodded. “You remember when I used to talk about craving a normal life and you’d tell me I was crazy? This was back when you were using our success as an escape from your problems. I think you’re finally at the point where you see where I was coming from. It’s not that we don’t appreciate success, but moving at this pace can’t continue forever.”

“I think I would’ve been fine with it if not for getting Nicole back.”

“I get it,” Tristan said. “And I’m about to ask you a serious question. I don’t want you to think I’m bullshitting you.”

“Alright…”

“You want to call off the tour?” His expressionwasdead serious.

My eyes went wide. “Why would you even say that? Youknowwe can’t do that.”

“Says who? You’re forgetting I’m the boss.”

“Ronan would beg to differ. He’d also freak out if he knew you were suggesting this.”

Tristan put his hand on my shoulder. “You’ve given up everything for us. We got famous overnight, and it literally ruined your marriage. You went through hell after that, and yet you showed up every single freaking night. Every single damn show. EvenIcanceled a show once for a mental-health break, remember? But you have never once not shown up. Even tonight, you were amazing out there, and yet you’re telling me you’re suffocating. If you hadn’t said something, I would never know. You need a break beforeyoubreak. And I’m gonna give it to you, whether you like it or not.”

I shook my head. “I can’t let you do that.”

---