Page 85 of The Drummer's Heart

I spent the next half-hour getting to know Giselle a little while Christian played. Ironically, she used to do hair like I did, but had switched plans and decided to go to nursing school. She was halfway finished with that now. This whole afternoon in the park felt surreal, like I could’ve been dreaming it. For so long, she and Christian had been the people on this Earth I’d feared the most. Now that I’d met them, I’d faced my biggest fear. That’s not to say I didn’t still have some jealousy and bitterness. It’s hard to totally squelch old habits. But those feelings were nolonger overpowering. They no longer made it impossible to open my eyes and accept the situation as it was.

“Thank you for making this much easier than it could’ve been,” I said as I stood, readying to leave.

“I don’t have time for awkward.” She laughed.

I looked down at my phone. “I’d better get back to the city.”

“Okay…well, it was nice meeting you.”

“You, too,” I said, looking over my shoulder at Christian. “Is it okay if I say goodbye to him?”

“Of course.” She nodded.

Giselle stayed behind on the bench while I walked over to where Christian was playing.

I knelt. “Bye, little guy. I know you don’t know who the heck I am, but thank you for being sweet to me today. I promise not to be afraid of you anymore.”

He stuck his sticky lollipop hand out and placed it on my mouth. He kept it there for several seconds. My heart soared and crumbled all at once.

Beautiful little Atticus.

Christian had never deserved the fear I’d projected toward him. My instant love for this tiny human only proved yet again just how much I loved his father.

***

After I returned from Queens, I decided to capitalize on my bravery and read the last of Atticus’s emails. There was only one I hadn’t opened because I knew it had been written after Christian was born.

Nicole,

I debated not writing this email. But this is my last one, because I don’t even know if you’re reading them, since you haven’t responded.

I can’t stop thinking about you tonight. I wish I could talk to you because I’m in the middle of one of the biggest moments of my life, and it doesn’t seem right that you’re not a part of it, as crazy as that might seem. This is an experience I was supposed to be having with you. But for reasons I may never truly understand, someone up there chose a different path for me.

My son was born today at 2:53 AM. MY son. I have a son. I wasn’t in the room when he came into the world. I didn’t want to be, partly because every second of this process has felt like a betrayal of you, and I’ve wanted no part of it.

But Nicole, the moment his grandmother brought him out to meet me, I looked into my son’s eyes and saw my own freaking eyes staring back at me. I realized that I owe him so much more than resenting his existence. He did nothing to deserve that. The other thing I realized is that my love for him was not only instant, it was innate. It wasn’t a choice. I just loved him from the moment I first held him. It doesn’t matter how he came to be. My son deserves my whole heart, and he has it—well, he has as much a part of it as you still do. I now realize it’s possible to give your heart equally to two people without diminishing an ounce of love for either one.

It’s my greatest wish that someday you can meet him and see what I see. That may be a pipe dream, but I’ll always hope for it.

His name is Christian Michael Marchetti. Six pounds, nine ounces. Ten fingers, ten toes. One broken dad.

Always lost without you,

Atticus

CHAPTER 30

ATTICUS

Delirious Jones had continued working on our upcoming album in the desert. There was a hidden studio here that we’d used to record our last few albums. It was the perfect remote location. We had probably a couple of weeks left before we’d have it done.

During our final break of the day, Tristan sat down beside me. “Hey, man. You seem distracted. Everything okay?”

“Iamdistracted,” I admitted.

“Why?”

“Nicole just called. She met Christian and Giselle today.”

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