Page 81 of The Drummer's Heart

ATTICUS

A couple of weeks later, with Nicole back in New York, I had my first appointment with Dr. Jensen in a while. I took a one-hour break from recording and brought my laptop out to the parking lot of the studio where we’d been working.

One by one, I’d conveniently canceled all of my appointments with her since New Jersey. My schedule while we were in the studio had made fitting her in difficult, but mostly I was hesitant to continue from where we’d last left off.

But I finally felt ready. As I’d told Nicole, we needed to face everything in order to move forward.

“Atticus!” she greeted when our video chat connected. “It’s been a while.”

I nodded. “It has. Things have been really busy with the band.”

“My husband was listening toThe Rocker’s Musethe other day. That’s such a great album. I was tempted to tell him you were my client, but I wouldn’t dare violate confidentiality.”

“You should’ve. I don’t care.”

She grinned. “Do you have something new you’d like to discuss today, or shall we take up where we ended last time we spoke?”

Feeling rusty when it came to talking about my feelings, I sucked in some air. “We can continue where we left off.”

She scribbled something down. “The last time we met, you were recalling for me the time after Nicole and you got divorced.You indicated that the two of you were falling in love all over again from across the miles. There was hope for a reconciliation, and she was considering moving to California. She’d been talking to you more about some of the reasons she walked away. And then you alluded to something happening that changed everything…”

Swallowing, I nodded. “Yeah.”

She nodded.

I cleared my throat. “Nicole had booked a flight to come out to L.A. It would’ve been the first time we saw each other since the papers were signed. I had a couple of weeks before the band had to start touring, and I made all these plans for us.” I paused. “But then a week before she was set to fly out, I got a phone call.”

Dr. Jensen tilted her head. “Okay…”

I shook my head. “So—I need to back up.”

“Alright.”

“The night the divorce was finalized was the darkest of my life. Everything seemed over, like all hope was gone. All I wanted to do was forget. So, I made it my mission to get fucked up. I went to this bar by myself and drank so much that I blacked out.”

“I believe you mentioned that in passing the last time we spoke.”

“I took pills, too, and I have no recollection of anything that happened that night.” I grimaced. “Including sleeping with someone while I was drunk and high.”

Dr. Jensen shut her eyes momentarily and nodded.

“Some time later, after Nicole and I were talking again, this woman named Giselle called me. I had no idea who she was. None. She told me she was pregnant, and that I was the father.” I took a deep breath. “I couldn’t remember her from that night, but she knew exactly who I was because of the band. She’d gotten my contact information through my manager, told him itwas an urgent situation. I hung up on her, thinking it was some kind of joke.”

A troubled look crossed my therapist’s face. “Oh my.”

“I tried to forget about it, but it kept gnawing at me…”

“Understandable.”

I sighed. “I talked to Tristan and Ronan about it, and they convinced me I was being stupid. They were right. I couldn’t remember anything about that night, so it was quite plausible that I’d had sex with someone.”

“Right…” She nodded.

“I still had Giselle’s number in my phone, so I called her back. She lives in New York, where I’d been that night. I flew her out to L.A., and we met in person. Once I saw her, I did vaguely remember her. I soon realized she seemed pretty level-headed and honest, as much as I’d wanted to deem her a liar. It was clear she didn’t want the situation any more than I did. But she wasn’t going to have an abortion…”

“How did you feel about that?”

“Well, I didn’t allow myself to feel anything until I knew the truth. She agreed to let me pay for an in-utero paternity test.” I exhaled. “All the while, Nicole was calling me every night and still planning to come out to L.A. While I waited for the results, I pretended nothing was happening, as much as it killed me. I prayed so hard that it wasn’t mine.” I shook my head. “The results came in about a week later.”

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