Page 43 of The Drummer's Heart

“Because he and I were…a mistake.”

His chest heaved. “Why were you a mistake?”

“You know why, Atticus.”

Atticus’s eyes were glassy. I couldn’t tell if it was because he’d had more than three drinks tonight or if he was about to cry.

He moved in closer. “I need to hear you say it.”

I swallowed. “He and I were a mistake…because I only attached myself to him to forget you and to spite you, and I’m a horrible person for it. At the time I let him in, I needed a distraction from how badly I was hurt, and I didn’t care that I hurt you in the process.”

Atticus nodded for a while. “Well, mission accomplished.” He exhaled. “But you know the hardest part for me?”

“What?”

“I can’t even blame you for it. Because I wanted to hurt me, too.”

A shooting pain sliced through my chest.

He closed his eyes as the room filled with silence.

“Can we not talk about this anymore, Atticus? It’s been a long night.”

He nodded.

We said nothing further as we changed for bed, once again back to back so the other couldn’t see things we’d already seen a million times before.

Then we got into bed and lay together in more silence. I’d thought maybe he’d fallen asleep until he spoke into the darkness.

“I hate the person I am without you,” he whispered.

My chest tightened. His words mirrored exactly how I felt about myself. I hated the person I was without him, the personI’d become in the years since our separation. I didn’t want to be that heartless woman anymore.

I wanted to comfort him right now, to roll over and hold him. But I was so afraid to let my guard down. The need to touch him in some way became too intense, though. I reached my hand over to his chest and placed it on his heart. It was beating so fast. I didn’t have to wonder why. Iknew.

He placed his hand over mine, locking it in. I fell asleep to the rhythm of his heart beating for me.

***

When I walked into the kitchen the following morning, Atticus threw me for a loop.

“Did you mean everything you said last night?” he asked.

“What are you talking about?”

“Everything you said in your sleep.”

A rush of adrenaline hit.Oh no.“What did I say?”

“You don’t remember?”

“Of course I don’t remember what I said while I wassleeping.” Dread filled me. “What did I say?”

He flashed a mischievous grin. “It’s too obscene to repeat. I don’t want to embarrass you.”

Great.“Your little game is such a mind fuck. You know that?”

He flashed his teeth. “It is, isn’t it?”

---