Page 33 of The Drummer's Heart

“Trouble conceiving.”

I hated lying to her. Yes, this entire façade was a lie, but when she asked me direct questions, it somehow felt worse than justbeing here and taking care of her under the guise of still being married.

“No, there’s no trouble there,” I assured her. “It just hasn’t happened for us.”

“Did I upset her when I asked about it the other day?”

“Not that I know of.”

“Does she say she’s not ready to be a mother?”

My chest felt tight. “I just…don’t think it’s the right time yet. Nicole will make a great mother someday, though. There’s no doubt about that.”

It hurt to think I wouldn’t be the one to experience that with her. It hurt even more to think I’d wasted some of her best years and could be to blame if itdidn’thappen for her. That thought wrecked me like no other.

“Okay.” Mimi sighed. “I guess I’m a little old fashioned. In my day, when you were over thirty, you had to worry about being too old. But in this day and age, with all the medical advances, I guess that’s not something people are concerned with anymore.”

“Nicole is thirty-one. She still has plenty of time.”

Plenty of time to have a family withsomeone else. Guilt morphed into sadness.

Mimi stared into my eyes for a few seconds. “Are you okay, Atticus?”

Feeling like the biggest fraud in the world, I felt my cheeks heat. “Sure, why?”

“You look upset.”

I would’ve given anything to get Mimi’s take on our situation, to tell her everything and get her honest advice about whether she thought I had a chance in hell of ever getting her granddaughter back. But I couldn’t.

“No, Mimi. I’m fine,” I lied.You just reminded me of something I try hard not to think about. Something that eatsaway at my soul every time I allow in the thoughts of what never will be.

“What are you guys talking about?” Nicole asked as she entered the room.

“Nothing. Just life,” I answered, praying that Mimi dropped the subject. “You need help in the kitchen?”

“No. I have it covered.”

“She told me to stay out of the kitchen, Mimi. I think she’s up to something. What are you making in there anyway?”

She winked. “You’ll find out.”

I wished she wouldn’t wink at me like that, because it made me want to kiss her senseless. It wasn’t my imagination that Nicole had been softening to me lately. We’d had a moment in bed last night after she’d mentioned reading my email. I hadn’t been able to resist kissing her on the forehead. And she hadn’t pushed me away. Not only that, she’d slept close to me. For one night I’d had my wife back, even if it was just in my head. And now the wink. I had to warn myself not to read into it.

“Well…” I sighed. “By the time I get back, maybe you’ll be ready to tell me.”

Nicole’s smile faded as she followed me out into the hallway. “Where are you going?”

I hated the pleasure I felt when she seemed disappointed that I was leaving. It was the opposite of the permanent ache I carried in my chest every second of every day that we’d been apart.

“I’m going to get weed for your grandmother.”

Her eyes went wide. “Are you serious?”

“Dead serious. This is a thing now. She said it helped her, and a friend of mine works at the dispensary. He’s gonna hook me up.”

Nicole looked apprehensive. “Why not get gummies this time?” she suggested.

“I read that smoking is actually more effective for pain.”

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