Page 30 of The Drummer's Heart

“Ronan says he can hook me up with the good stuff,” she added.

“Anything that takes away your pain is fine by us, Mimi.” Atticus put his arm around me, sending a chill down my spine.It didn’t seem like he was touching me for show this time or to tease me. It just felt natural, like he’d forgotten for a second that we weren’t married anymore. That was sort of how tonight had felt in many ways.

After the crew left, I helped get Mimi settled for bed. The smell of marijuana still lingered in the air as Atticus and I headed to the spare room.

I felt even more nervous than usual to sleep next to Atticus tonight. He’d stuck to his three-drink rule, but I couldn’t say the same for myself. Always a lightweight, I had a pretty significant buzz after four drinks. All I wanted was for him to touch me again. And that scared me.

As I turned my back to him and faced the wall, I took my shirt off to change into my sleep top. Somehow I felt his eyes on me as I unclasped my bra. The hairs on my arms prickled, and my body became tingly all over. As I heard the sound of his shirt coming off behind me, my nipples stiffened. I slowly slipped my pajama top over my head, hesitant to turn around and face this crippling need head on. Finally, I removed my pants and underwear, then reached for my pajama shorts.

When I did turn around, Atticus’s cheeks were flushed, his eyes dark with desire. It proved what I’d already sensed and only intensified the growing need between my legs. My nipples were hard as ever and prominent against the material of my shirt.

Atticus was shirtless, of course, as he typically was at bedtime, wearing only the gray track pants he often wore to sleep. The thin line of hair leading down from his waistline taunted me. His Adam’s apple bobbed as his eyes fell to my chest.What was going to happen next? Would he try to kiss me? Would I let him?Things were a little hazy from the alcohol—a little hazy anda lot horny.

“Goodnight,” he finally said, his voice throaty.

“Goodnight.”

My knees felt weak as we got into bed. I realized I was stupid to think Atticus would try anything while he believed my judgment was impaired. I was more sober than he was likely giving me credit for, though. The only thing I was guilty of right now was an intense hunger for sex. And I respected him for not taking advantage of what I knew he could sense. I wanted him to ravage me tonight. And that was unsettling.

It took several minutes for my body to calm down, but it eventually did. Yet I still couldn’t sleep. And it seemed neither could Atticus. When I turned to look at him, his eyes were wide open as he stared up at the ceiling.

“Mimi seemed to have had a good time with Ronan,” he said after a moment.

I chuckled. “She was high. Of course she had a good time.”

“Right.” The low rumble of his laughter vibrated through me. He shifted, moving a little closer, awakening the nerve endings in my body. “You seemed like you had a good time tonight, too. Was I reading that correctly?”

Turning more fully toward him, I rested my hand under my chin. “I love Emily.”

He sighed.

“What?” I asked.

He opened his mouth then shook his head. “Never mind.”

“What?” I repeated.

“It’s just that…” He paused. “I can’t tell you how many times I’ve hung out with Tristan and Emily, thinking how you and she would get along. And what a shame it is that we…” He stopped. “Anyway.”

Yeah. What a shame it all is.

Silence replaced our conversation for several minutes. But there was one more thing I needed to say. “Thank you for today.”

“What are you referring to specifically?”

“Everything. The candy. For being so sweet to Mimi, doing her nails and hair, and just…being here. And especially for encouraging me to go out. It was fun, and I needed it.”

“You don’t ever need to thank me. Being here is a privilege, Nicole. Not just because I get to give back to Mimi. But because it’s time with you I never thought I’d have.” He paused. “And I’ll take whatever you’ll give me. The good. The bad. Anything you’re willing to share, I’ll take.”

My eyes welled up. “I read one of your lost emails earlier. I’m not ready to read them all, but I read the first one.”

“What did I say?”

“It was my birthday.” I paused, getting choked up. “You said there were times when you wished you weren’t here, that you fantasized about that. It made me so sad.” I placed my hand on his cheek and turned his face toward me. “Don’t think for a second that this world would be a better place if you weren’t here. So many people are blessed to have you in their lives. Including me. Despite everything, I’d never survive in a world without you in it.”

“I’m sorry if I scared you. That was a dark time for me.”

My voice was barely audible. “I know.”

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