Page 23 of The Drummer's Heart

She scribbled something down. “I think for me to understand the impact Nicole has had on your life, we need to go back to the beginning. Are you willing to do that? It would require reliving some of the happier times, which might be difficult. But I think it would be good for you to feel all of that in order to release any trapped emotions.”

This is going to be fucking hard.I rubbed my eyes. “Okay, well, you’re gonna have to guide me because I have no clue where to begin.”

“Of course. Like I said, we’ll start from the beginning. Why don’t you tell me how you and Nicole met?”

An image of Nicole lying lazily on the tweed couch in Cassius’s basement flashed through my mind—her long, black hair splayed across the sofa, her sweet smile as she watched us practice. Younger and forbidden. I detailed for Dr. Jensen how I’d met Nicole and how we became friends while I waited in the wings for her to turn eighteen, the age at which I’d mentally decided she was no longer too innocent for me.

“She’d usually linger after we were done practicing, and we’d walk home together,” I explained. “Sometimes we’d stop halfway and just sit and talk. Nicole and I could talk about anything. I could tell her about my insecurities and not worry about being judged. It really was platonic in the beginning…”

Dr. Jensen smiled. “Sounds like she was the whole package.”

“Yeah. On top of everything else, she was the most beautiful girl I’d ever laid eyes on. I also loved that she didn’t take shit from anyone and could hang with us guys and handle all our crazy, lewd talk without batting an eyelash. It was like she was one of us, aside from the obvious fact that she was very much female and a knockout.”

“And I’m sure you weren’t the only one of the guys who had eyes for her…”

“You’d be correct. That was stressful.”

She grinned. “So, once you and she started dating, what was that like?”

“It was amazing. I couldn’t get enough of her, physically and otherwise. On top of that, my family became like her family, too. Nicole is an only child, so she and my sister became close. I knew early on that Nicole was the one, that I’d ask her to marry me someday. We both wanted the same things out of life—a family, to laugh, to love, and to just…be happy. I really would’ve been okay with a simple life. I didn’t need the fame or the moneyI have now. I just needed her. Drums weren’t my passion. She was.” I paused. “But at some point…she started to believe she wasn’t enough for me.”

Dr. Jensen nodded and wrote something down. “I feel like we’re getting a bit ahead of ourselves. Back up and tell me more about Nicole’s home life before you and she got together.”

“Her parents’ marriage didn’t end well. Her father cheated on her mom. But Nicole didn’t find out about it until she was in her twenties. And I think that had a lot to do with her lack of trust down the line.”

“Her grandmother that you’re taking care of, is that her mother’s mother?”

“Yeah. Needless to say, Mimi’s not a big fan of Nicole’s dad, even though he was a pretty good father. Just a terrible husband, as we all found out after the fact.”

“Wereyoua good husband?”

“I thought I was.” I stared out at the trees lining the street. “I loved being a husband.”

“Do you think you’ll ever get married again?”

“No,” I said immediately.

I couldn’t fathom a world where I was married to anyone else. Nicole was my wife. She’d always be my wife. It wouldn’t be fair to let anyone else believe they had a place that belonged to someone else in perpetuity, even if only in my heart. Even if a bit delusional.

“Tell me more about the early days of your relationship with Nicole, before you were married.”

“Well, soon after we started dating, she went away to college while I stayed behind and pursued my music. But we managed to stay together all four years while she was studying at BU. We’d visit each other on weekends when we could. After she graduated with a business degree, she did a one-eighty and decided she actually wanted to be a hairstylist. That was moreher passion. She’d attended cosmetology classes during the summers while she was in school and had always dabbled in it on the side, doing hair for friends and family. Despite pressure from her parents to use her business degree differently, I was proud of her for being true to herself. She’s really good at it. She rents a chair now at one of the top salons in New York City.”

“That’s amazing. How old were you guys when you got married?”

“We eloped when I was twenty-five and she was twenty-two. So, we’d been together for four years. Flew to Vegas on a whim.”

“Wow. None of your family attended?”

“No, it was just us. But that’s what made it perfect.”

“What were things like after you got married?”

“Those early years of our marriage were amazing. We settled into a routine and were genuinely happy. Shortly before that, I’d met Tristan and Ronan in an online music forum. It wasn’t until about five years after the band got together that Delirious Jones hit it big. That was when things started to go downhill with Nicole.”

“She wasn’t supportive?”

“She was. She always told me I was destined for success in music. But turns out being a rockstar wife wasn’t the life she wanted. After I met Tristan and Ronan, my life changed. We were signed to a label, and things moved very fast. Even in the years before Delirious Jones really rose to fame, I was traveling a lot.” I hesitated. “But it was manageable before we went viral. I don’t think either of us expected my music career to take off the way it did.”

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