Page 77 of Knot Just A Fan

I give a wooden laugh. “Yeah, I suppose that’s one of the things you love about her. What’s that got to do with it?”

“We’re good—don’t worry. I swear it. I know if we weren’t you’d come here and throttle me yourself.” I can hear the grin in his voice, his hint of relaxed cheekiness, but then the concern returns. “Just give her a call. But back to business—the guyswant to speak to you in person about what’s happened with Ronan. He’s en route so we’ll see him in Paris tomorrow.”

“Do you know why Gray and Enzo aren’t answering me? It’s been two days.” My stomach turns, and if I’m honest, I’m pissed off about it. The Champagne and nibbly toast things on top of the coffee and pastries are not playing nice together in my gut, either.

“They’ll be in touch soon. They’ve been recording something new. Just wrote it, and they were both intent on getting it perfect, you know how they are. Single-minded. So they’ve done it without Ronan and will get him to lay down his track as soon as possible. They’re eager it gets recorded while its fresh.”

Huh. They usually spend months writing together, then record all at once in a proper studio. I can’t help but wonder where they’re doing all this work while on the road. As Ash and I are talking, I hear a buzz and pull my phone away to see a message from Grayson. I can’t read it until I hang up, so I need to end this conversation.

“I have news for you, too,” I say. I tell him about the job offer. “So I think I’ll be doing a lot of commuting down south west for this.”

Ash goes quiet as I turn to look out the window into the still-raining Devon sky. The streets are a watery grey and it feels like the weather is telling me not to get too excited, even by this dream job. Because without my Alphas, I can’t see how I will ever fill that part of my heart. The work, the art—yes. The love? The need to be a family. To look Gray in his gorgeous eyes once more and hear him call me angel.

Who am I kidding? Once is never enough. It’s once more, and once more, and once more that I want. And it always has been.

“I won’t give this opportunity up to be with them, when one-third of them won’t accept me.” My voice is soft but I don’t waver.

“Just wait. Please. Before you take any jobs?—”

“I’ve signed a contract, Ash. It’s too late.”

“I think you should wait until they talk to you. In person. They want you to come to the Paris show.”

I look at my watch. I’ve got an hour before my train. My brain feels fried. I sit on the edge of the bed and stare down into the river of rain running down the street below. “This is what I want, Ash. I’ll tell Gray the same. I don’t want this band or this pack breaking up because of me. I never wanted that kind of drama. If they really want me in their pack, they’ll find a way. But Ronan told me about his family, and I even met his lovely brothers, and then he stormed off. So I don’t think they will. I think he’s on suppressants, because that’s what he wants. To only be around people he thinks will never leave him, and otherwise to not care anymore. And now he thinks Gray and Enzo can never forgive him. That he’s going to lose them.”

Ash groans and I can hear him shuffling some papers. “Look. Ronan is a bit dramatic and grumpy at times. But he wouldn’t risk losing the band. They’re his only family now. He will have to come around to?—”

“Are you listening? I don’t want him tocome around. Even if he did, it would be under duress. He would be doing it to not lose Gray and Enzo. He wouldn’t be doing it because his heart’s in it. I don’t want to play this role anymore.”

“But they’ve marked you,” says Ash quietly. “They told me. Cami told me,” he admits. “Every other Alpha for miles will scent them on you and stay away.”

“Good. Maybe that’s what I need. To be left alone.”

If I can’t be accepted and loved for who I am, I will not try to squeeze myself into any space I’m not welcomed. I will not be that person. Fall into that trap that Mum did.

The pain in my stomach seems to inch forward into my windpipe. “Look, I’ve gotta go take an antacid or something. TellGray and Enzo whatever you want. Gray’s just texted so I’ll let him know no luck with Ronan. I’m not saying he doesn’t want me because he’s suppressed. I’m saying he’s choosing to push me away even when I’m willing to understand, if he would me. I don’t think he’s a bad guy. I’ve loved all three of them since I first met them, Ash. But he can’t trust me, and I’m not sure that deep down, I can ever trust him again. I can forgive. I think showing up showed him that I do. But trust takes more than forgiveness.”

After we hang up and I yank the zipper on my suitcase shut, I sit down in the only chair in the room and read Gray’s text.

Eight-fifteen from Exeter to Reading, right?

I shake my head and tsk to myself. Cami must’ve told him.

Gray, I want to wrap myself in your arms and just hide there from the reality of life. That things don’t just magically fall into place. I was never just a fan who came in and ruined all your lives. I only wanted to help. To soak up your presence. And give you some of mine.

A parting gift.

CHAPTER 31

Briella

“Girl.GIRL. I’ve been trying to call you! Your little sporadic messages have not been cutting it but first of all—” Cami goes silent on the phone as I’m hot-footing it to the train station. Then my ear gets blasted by the sound of a party noisemaker.

“CONGRATULATIONS!” She screams then squeals and I hear her feet stomping and her first pounding something, probably the kitchen counter. “Get the eff back here so we can celebrate! They CC’ed me a copy of the contract, they said you signed off on that.”

“I, in fact, did do that,” I say into the phone. I’m trying but failing to keep the hood on Gray’s parka over my head but it’s so big on me that it’s just collapsing and letting cold rain smack me in the face. My hair is a state and I’m wearing the same clothes I wore on the way here, but I don’t care. A train nap and then home to Cami and a nice freshly microwaved dinner.

Then maybe sleep for a week and pretend all of Barcelona never happened.

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