Page 11 of Knot Just A Fan

The second Grayson Cove arrives, everyone knows.

I’m usually asked to arrive after soundcheck, unless they specifically want shots of that. I haven’t shared a room with Gray since a shoot at their rehearsal four days ago.

My heart still does that familiar flutter, then a sort of leap when he sees me. Every time. Even after all these years.

He’s here,I text Cami, who’s cruising through the crowd with a drink in hand, checking out groups of guys and chatting up strangers. I always envy her ability to do that.

I do my last minute lens check with a few test photos while the lights are dimmed and the stage lights on. Flashes of tacky glowing necklaces, blinking bracelets, light-up New Year’s headwear, and other sources of warm glows emanate from the swelling crowd, like fireflies in summer. It’s cozy, but my heart is thumping like a wild hare.

Grayson’s voice came from somewhere in the loading area, and as I hang my camera bag from the same hook I’ve hung my purse and coat on, a hand rests on my shoulder.

I spin around as the warm scent of cedar and cinnamon fills my nostrils like a train running me over. I actually take a step back and my head swims for a moment, my hand going to my temple. I almost feel like I might black out.

What in the fuck is this?

“Hey, Phillips,” Grayson says in his amber tone, bringing me back to the moment. He holds out his hand, and I stare at it as if it’s a key to another world. “Ready to start something new?”

For the years they were gone, it wasn’t the distance that stopped Grayson’s and my friendship from continuing. It was him.

Ash’s email had said my services weren’t needed, and that the Guild would continue to provide me with other work. Unfortunately, Nic became my mentor, and she was the opposite of Grayson. Prickly, nit-picky, sarcastic, and unfriendly are the nicest things I can say about her. Okay, maybe ultra-organized and disciplined. Those are probably nicer.

I didn’t hear from Grayson until two months after they’d shuffled off to California.

Sorry to say see you later this way. I’ve enjoyed working with you, seeing your work blossom, and being in the receiving end of the artistry you’ve cultivated has been a joy, not to mention the warmth you bring to any room. Keep me posted on how things go for you. I wish you the best. Gray

And that was it. Stunned doesn’t cover it. What had I done?

Since this had come not long after that night at our flat, even though nothing had happened between us but a deepening connection, I could never help but draw the conclusion that the two incidents were related.

Now I know in my silly little head that this was never about me, that they didn’t move to escape some girl who only came out of her shell when alcohol dragged bravery out of her insecurity. But it made me sad and overanalyze none the less.

The year and a half that Grayson and I had worked together, that he’d trained me, shared his love of photography with me, and made sure I was the only photographer to work with Arcadia Echo, was the best year of my life.

You’ll never want for work with the ability you have to see beauty in everything, Briella.

His words had filled me up. They’d come out of the blue as he’d reviewed a batch of landscape photos I’d taken over a weekend away to the coast. I’d accidentally dumped them into a folder of the band’s work and when he flicked to the first one I waved him off.Oops, sorry, you don’t need to see those.

But may I?he’d asked.

Of course.

Several long seconds. Then his hand landed softly on my forearm as he looked up.These are stunning. Don’t ever stop. People can be fascinating subjects. But you turn landscapes into living creatures. It takes a work of art to recognize another.

I’ve puzzled over that statement longer than I care to admit. He’d licked his lips. I’d licked mine. And I’d wanted to lean in and pluck off those glasses he only wore occasionally, to hold them in my hands while I pressed my lips to his.

Instead I’d simply croaked, “That means the world,” while sweating and blushing like mad, fervently wishing I had the courage to be as bold as he made me feel I had a right to be.

A few months after his goodbye email, I did as he’d asked: I caught him up on my latest news. Things weren’t going so well. More photographers had joined the Guild, fewer jobs came my way. Nic seemed hell-bent on giving the best gigs to the younger photographers. The ones most likely to score a pack and therefore raise her completion numbers—a Guild’s records of the Omegas who’ve found packs while working for the Guild.I didn’t point out this last bit to Grayson, but it was moot. He ghosted me.

I tried again, some months later. Then three years later, when my grandmother passed away. She was my last living relative. We hadn’t been super close, but she’d been as devastated by Mum’s death as I had. We saw each other at the holidays, and she’d always kissed me on the top of the head and called me my mother’s name.

It felt like I could touch my mum again, just by holding Gran’s hand. Her memory had been gone for a decade, and the care home she’d been in had done their best. But her pack was long dead. She was old. And she had shown me the other side to the coin—my mum had died with the scar of unrequited love; Gran had forgotten the ones she’d loved, and they’d died long before. Both had been alone, and lonely, and lost.

What else could I expect? I suppose thinking on this was the only thing that’s gotten me past Grayson’s lack of reply. But it throbs in my mind now, as bright as before.

“Hiya.” I turn and shake Grayson’s hand. “How’ve you been? Two weeks off seems long for you lot.” I force a solid, confident smile. It takes me a second to clock that he’s wearing his glasses, and he’s had a haircut. Shorter on top but sideburns growing out.

He runs a hand across his goatee, which he’s grown and kept since moving to America. “Yeah, it’s been a weird time. Enzo’s had some busy family stuff on and we just planned for a bit of holiday, you know, Christmas and whatnot. And anyhow, who wants to see a gig when they’ve got a zillion presents to wrap and family get-togethers?”

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