Page 81 of Knot Just A Fan

“There are countless symptoms associated with heats,” Cami says. “Especially when you’ve gone off a suppressant you’ve been on since the dawn of time.” She says this around a mouthful of licorice. I can’t stand the smell of it at the best of times, but right now it’s making me want to heave.

“Ugh, I need more coffee. I don’t know how you eat that stuff.” The guys are walking ahead of us, Enzo dragging my suitcase that has seen more miles in the past week or so than it’s ever seen before.Kinda like me.

They know this city, so they lead the way to the venue where we can relax in the green room and the guys can practice and tinker with their new song,Lifting Clouds.I still can’t believe they’re going to try to perform it tonight. Ronan’s not evenplayed it yet, just heard the tracks they’ve apparently laid down on the road.

“Well,” Cami says, as she pulls a new licorice string out and waves it around in the air. The top of it flops over but she holds it aloft like a flag, hitching her giant tote up on her other shoulder. “I start by making an ‘o’ with my mouth, and I slowly push it inside. Once it’s past my lips, my tongue does most of the work, but I bite, just not too hard. I like to suck it like a straw.”

“You writing a porno back there?” Ash says without turning around. Enzo pumps a fist in the air and Gray just shakes his head.

“Don’t you wish,” Cami says, then blows a kiss at the back of his head.

“Nice arse,” I say behind a hand. She nods then points to Enzo’s and Gray’s. “I mean, none have missed leg day. Lots of squats, I’d say.”

All this talk is making me a bit hot, but waves of sweat breaking out across my body interspersed with the windpipe pain makes me just want to sit. “Are we almost there?”

Gray drops back and slips an arm around me. “You okay?” He raises a brow.

“Yeah, just down this street and turn left,” Ash says.

“Good. I haven’t felt this way before, and it’s getting worse.” I told Gray and Enzo about the pain, and they’ve agreed with Cami, that it’s probably the heat and the lack of suppressant and my body trying to find its rhythm.

“If you want to just be seen by an urgent care, we can absolutely cover that, Brie,” Gray says quietly. I’ve already shot down his offer to buy me suppressants over the counter. They aren’t cheap without insurance, but I’ve already had paperwork emailed through from Alice and Myles’s HR person, and I’ll start getting benefits on the first of February. I’m sure I can hold out until then to speak to someone about whether I should even goback on. By then I’ll know for sure if this pack is mine, or if I need the protection of suppressants again after all.

The thought of that wrenches open a hole inside me, and I start to spiral. I bite my cheek and steal a glance at Cami. She’s so happy with Ash. She’s so happy in her own skin, in a way I’ve never seen. I cannot let whatever happens with me and Echo cause any rift between them.

Three hours later, the guys are doing a sound check and Vance, their photographer, has arrived with his own little posse. I never took advantage of passes to hand out to friends, though it would be only Cami. But Vance seems like the type to cozy up to Nicola. And I don’t begrudge him that. He’s a Beta mentor at the Guild who took over training photographers from Nic, who clearly hated the job on top of her admin stuff.

It looks like Vance must have a lot of spare time on his hands if he’s free to go on tour with the likes of Arcadia Echo.

I could waste time being bitter about how Nic didn’t fight for me. But something way better came along, so why lose sleep now?

“You sure you don’t want to come?” Cami asks. “It’s about a twenty-minute walk he says.”

I’m sitting in the front row of the empty house, watching Gray and Enzo run over some newer tunes they’ve only played on this tour so far. Vance is dancing around with way too big a lens for the job, and Ash and Cami are going to get some fresh air and stop at a patisserie that Ash has been craving. We have two hours until show time and Ronan’s flight was delayed, but he’s here now, so Ash quickly switched from looking like he wasgoing to shit himself to the most relieved man the world has ever known.

I’ve been sat here through the entire soundcheck that Ronan ducked out of early, saying he needed to do his meditations or he’d play like crap tonight. So he ran off and closed himself in a dressing room the second he could.

As for Ash, he’s probably using the pastries as an excuse to work off his own stress. No talk of me came up so far, apparently. They all have a job to do, and I guess after the hiccup at their Nice show, they’re at least determined to be on the same page sonically if not relationally.

Echo’s tour manager Alejandro who works under Ash and generally keeps the day’s events in check is running through the soundcheck with his earpiece in, ready to call Ash at a moment’s notice if anything comes up.

“I still feel a little rough, Cam, so I’ll stay. I’ll see Ronan when I see him. For now I’ll just listen to this lot and practice my speech,” I wave at the stage. “I’ll be good. Go have a lovely walk, s’il vous plait.”

Cami high-fives me. “Oui oui, mon amie. Hit me if you need anything.” She leans in and puts a warm hand on my knee. “Mate, it’ll be fine. Sucks you couldn’t all gather and talk before the show.”

“I’m sure he’s thrilled,” I say, but my heart’s not in it.

Cami shakes her head and wags her finger at me. I know that means,Stop worrying. What’s the best that could happen?She smiles and turns.

I nod and wave to Ash. He gives a cross between a sheepish and a grateful smile. My heart warms. But my chest is still dealing with this intermittent sharp pain. I run a hand between my breasts and leave it flat against my ribs.

Something isn’t right.

Five minutes after they leave, I catch Gray’s eye and point around the side of the stage, trying to indicate the back hallway which leads to the dressing rooms. He nods. I climb the steps, flash my pass needlessly at a stagehand who’s milling around, and poke my head around the corner. I get turned around for a second, but thisisthe way I came in. The loading dock area—with the external doors now shut—and a door to the hallway where the main dressing rooms and toilets are.

I stride back there, desperate to just put my feet up for a little bit until it’s show time. But the green room where Gray and I stowed our stuff is locked. Huh. I try the room next to it, the one I’m pretty sure is Enzo’s and Ash’s. Also locked. The one at the end must be Ronan’s, and I’mnottrying that one.

I swallow dryly. Dammit, my water bottle and the funky French soda I bought on the walk here are both locked inside that green room. I look down the hall. At the end is a stairwell that I’m pretty sure leads to the catering room in the basement. I didn’t check it out, but the guys all went down with Cami and came back with sandwiches when we first arrived. I haven’t felt hungry since this morning.

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