Page 8 of Knot Just A Fan

Somehow, I found his calling me thatmoreintimate, not less. Mum’s maiden name was Phillips, since she’d never married, and certainly never taken the name of whatever bastard Alpha had been my father. So to me, it felt like a connection deeper than what most people saw when they looked at me.

An average-height thirty-something with a heart-shaped face and big brown eyes, and hair I did my best to keep dyed a variety of colors. The first time I’d gone violet, a Beta I’d fancied at the time said it had given me aneye-catching intensity. And while things never went anywhere with him, that phrase stuck. Maybe I felt it kept me young.

“Oh, I dunno, Cove,” I said. I’d never called him this before, but I knew if I didn’t come back to Cami saying I’d madeanyprogress at all, she’d roll her eyes and give me some Shakespearean quote like,Cowards die many times before their deaths; the valiant never taste of death but once.

That was one of her favorites. She’d focused on literature at the Academy, doing her art mostly as a hobby, but in her final year she’d made the switch. And her love of ol’ Willie Shakes was the last vestige of those days.

“I, uh,” I continued, with top-notch eloquence. “I think our respective jobs just keep us really busy. I mean, you guys aren’t just a band, you’re also—a pack. And I’m surethatkeeps you busy. What’s that like?” Then I cringe like a motherfucker. “I—I mean, what’s it like working with them, writing music,rehearsing, playing, traveling,andbeing a pack? Do you guys get a bit sick of each other?”

Oh myGod. What made me say any of that? My face felt on fire, probably brighter than my hair. This particular dye job didn’t stick well so my mousy natural color peeks through in places. And there’s my heart. Peeking through.

Jesus.

But Grayson laughed, and my shoulders loosened. “Yes, I get fucking sick of them. But it’s like—well, being brothers. I don’t have any real siblings. And, well, do you have family? You know what it can be like, how you love them and want the best for them, but a lot of the time you want to be nowhere near them?” He laughs again and I nod, feeling the blush recede.

“Yes, and no. I don’t have any family. No siblings either,” I shrug as though this is no biggie. “My mum passed away when I was sixteen and I—” I swallowed tightly. This was the most personal conversation we’d had, ever. And that was bad. It would leave me only wanting more.

“I never met my father. He abandoned my Mum, and subsequently, me, before I was born.” I finish. I shrug again and feel a silly grin pasted on my lips. Then I bite them and keep my eyes trained on the canal. Two kayakers pass, laughing loudly and inching closer, one batting the other’s craft with her oar.

I hadn’t been in a relationship with anyone but Cami in four years. Our friendship was all I had going. And she was the best best friend a girl could hope for.

But I was still lonely. No one person can fill all your needs. Of this I was sure. Not a parent, not a sibling, not a BFF, not a partner. That’s why Omegas need their pack, and Alphas need each other, and Betas need—well. I don’t know. Maybe it’s just Omegas and Alphas who need that constant community. I’d never had it, and even through suppressants, I knew I needed it. But I also knew it could end dangerously, like my mum’s.

After a minute, I felt the laser stare of Grayson’s deep brown eyes like they were boring a hole in my cheek. I turned to him, bracing myself for the sympathy, or even worse, a change of subject.

“Anyone who would do that wasn’t worth knowing, Phillips.”

I managed a nod, then blinked rapidly, turning back to the water. But I felt his gaze still on me, his face still turned toward me. And then, his hand rested on my right arm, his fingers gently squeezing me through my jacket. Suddenly I wished I’d worn something other than a long stripey jumper, old army-green leggings, and Doc Martens.

“It’s okay to talk. We all have stuff.”

Instinctively I wiped my left eye, then silently cursed myself. “What stuff do you have?”

I flinched. I didn’t mean it in aTell me all your secretsway. “I meant, you seem to sing about it, write about it, but like that’s your therapy. That gets it off your chest.”

He smiled and returned his hand to his other. “It feels therapeutic when you write it, then a crowd starts singing it back to you and it becomes theirs. Posting it on social media. Becoming their own personal mantra. That’s the coolest fucking thing right there, and so yes, it does kind of lift you up from where you started. But the stuff I have, it doesn’t really compare. More troubles of my own making.”

He looked into my eyes, those blue eyes on my brown ones, and I wanted to dive in. His cologne was cedar and cinnamon, and right then it was like pheromones on fire, burning into my chest, my heart leaping inside my ribs.

I wanted to lean in and press myself to all of him, my lips to his, my chest to his, to crawl into his lap and bury myself there.

And then he stood and slid his glasses back on, and gave me a slight bow of his head.

“I should get back and cook up some dinner, unless—” He stopped, staring at me, then looked back to the path. “Where did your friend go? Camilla?”

Ha. No one ever called her that and lived to tell the tale, though I had introduced her with her full name. Just a way we teased each other, but he’d never really spoken to her again. Just seen her at the bar, or when she picked me up after a gig.

My face heated up again. “She’s gone back to the Water’s Edge Coffee Kiosk. Back that way. Do you know it?”

Grayson nods. “Let me walk you there.”

I stood and backed up a step. “No, honestly, it’s okay.”

I wanted him to. I don’t know why I argued. He lowered his head and looked at me over his lashes, brows narrowed. “I’m not trying to play some overprotective hero. I’m being sensible, that’s all.”

It was in his Alpha wiring, to protect, so I couldn’t argue.

He knew I was an unmatched Omega; that’s why the Guild existed, after all. It was something Mum hadn’t had. She’d been stubborn, born to a lower-income family who’d had four Omega daughters before her. And the pack she’d believed were her soul mates went on a holiday to America before she’d confessed her love to them. She believed the time would be right, once they came back.

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