Page 18 of Catch Me

Callie sighs next to me, dragging me back to reality and this painful conversation. “Well, anyway, I think you should put yourself out there more and start dating, you’re a catch.” She gestures a hand towards my body, her eyes taking a lap up from my toes to my raised eyebrows.

I fold both arms across my chest. “First of all, the guy I lost my virginity to — who then proceeded to pretend I was invisible — is a football player, which means I'm automatically sworn off them for life.”

“Dramatic,” Callie throws me an eye roll and I swat a hand towards her smirk.

I point a finger at her face. “Second of all, I'm not interested in dating anyone right now.”I lift my shoulders in a light shrug, forgetting I'm not alone in this room with my thoughts. “Unless Ni—” I stop myself in my tracks before his name slips out of my mouth and causes a shit load of trouble. Callie wouldn’t hesitate to tell me how much she hates Nick if I accidentally revealed that I let him ravage me until all I could see was spots in my vision the other night.

“You’re not getting out of it that easily, anyway I’ve already set it up.” Callie scolds, fiery gaze piercing into the depths of my already defeated soul. There’s no use arguing with her when she’s like this, it’s better if I just nod and accept my lousy fate.

Callie hops up off the couch like an excitable puppy. “You’re meeting him at the Hawley for dinner and drinks, tomorrow at 7pm.”

“Do I even get to know his name before I embark on this torturous journey into the abyss?” I huff, getting to my feet and stomping off towards the kitchen.

“Ha,” Callie barks, “you know, I always thought your brother was the king of drama, but it turns out he’s been surpassed by you.” I flip her the bird over my shoulder and reheat my coffee in the microwave. “Anyway, his name is Connor.”

I’m not even listening to her at this point, my head is swimming with anxiety about this date. I don’t even know the guy, which I know is the whole point of Callie setting us up but…I don’t know, I have a strange cramping in the depth of my stomach. A feeling that’s pulling me like a magnet, holding me down and trying desperately to stop me from going tomorrow, but I have no idea what that feeling is. I guess I’ll just go, be polite, eat my food and leave. Yeah, it will be fine, I'm a big girl. I can go on a date with a stranger and leave without feeling the need to give him anything in return.

Am I kidding myself here? Will this date be a total disaster or am I overthinking as usual?Urgh, it’s exhausting being stuck inside my own mind.

“Jesus Christ Cal, ok whatever,” I sigh heavily and she plants a kiss against my hot cheek. My skin is burning up from the plague of anxiety that’s buzzing around my brain and I know Callie can tell because she pinches my ass cheek playfully.

“Hey, you’ll thank me later. Trust me, wait until you see him, he’s hot as f—”

“I can hear you!” Sean yells from my bedroom, sending Callie and I into a fit of giggles that we try to suffocate with our hands. The man himself soon appears around the corner again, this time with a bundle of my bedsheets in his arms.

He points a warning finger at Callie. “You better not have set my little sister up with a prick.”

“Like I would,” Callie scoffs with a slow roll of her bright green irises.

“Well, good,” Sean's shoulders relax and he breathes a light sigh. “I don't like the thought of her dating as it is, let alone some football playing arsehole having his way with her.”

“Having his way with her? This isn’t the 1920’s and anyway, you can talk, Mr Manwhore of the year.”

I put a finger up, politely asking them both to shut the fuck up before I explode. “Ok guys, this has been fun but I now need to go and mentally prepare for this date that I didn’t want to go on.”

My chest is tight as I walk towards my bedroom, the familiar ringing in my ears is becoming harder to ignore and I collapse down onto my bare mattress the second I slam the door closed. I can feel the panic trying to consume me, to crash over me like a tidal wave and drown me like it always used to. But I’ve worked so hard to fight off the panic attacks over the last few years and I haven’t had one at all since I started at Redwood, I don’t intend to start now. I practice my breathing techniques, counting in my head and focusing on nothing but getting the oxygen flowing steadily into my lungs. Once my chest relaxes, the beating of my heart calming to a normal rhythm again, I can’t help but contemplate how I let myself get to that point. How I let my body go into panic mode and almost take me down the path of an attack when I’ve worked so hard to suppress them for so long. The truth is, I'm not only panicking about this date tomorrow with a total stranger who I have zero interest in. I’m also worrying about this thing with Nick, I have no idea what we are or what he wants from me going forward. I’m not naive enough to think that we slept together once and now he’ll fall at my feet and beg me for a relationship, when he’s usually busy jumping from one girl’s bed to another. As much as I like Nick and as much as I’d love nothing more than for him to want all of me, I have no intention of cutting myself off completely from the world and tying myself to him. Unless he categorically sayshe wants to do the same, which I can’t imagine happening even in the dreamiest of imaginary worlds.

I lay still in the silence for a moment, feeling how light it is, how comforting to just do nothing, feel nothing, hear nothing for a moment. I flip over onto my stomach and reach for my record player on the bedside table, flicking the on switch. It crackles to life and the disc begins to spin, waiting for the needle to drop delicately into place on whatever song I choose. I’ve played this record so much I'm surprised its not scratched like a sofa in a house full of kittens. But nevertheless, the track filters through the speaker like a caramel latte on an autumn day as soon as the needle lands on the disc. The song that always reminds me how strong I am, that I don’t need anyone else and that I can do things on my own leaks into my ears as I lay back and close my eyes. My favourite artists may not be the most popular nowadays but I think that’s why they speak to me, why they make me feel so womanly and powerful. I’m not like everyone else and I don't need to be. Some of the women that have blessed this planet with their angelic voices and talented vocals are the ones who have got me through the hardest of times. They dragged me out of the ditch when I felt like I couldn’t carry on anymore. But maybe I have someone else to help me with that now, maybe he came into my life at this moment for a reason.

CHAPTER 10

LOIS

This is worse than I ever imagined.

Connor has been droning on about football and Germany and god knows what else for the last three hours. I’m about ready to set myself on fire if he doesn’t hurry up and finish his last beer of the night. I told him I have to be home by 10:30pm, I don't but I needed a reason to get out of here asap. The guy is hot, I won’t deny that, he’s got that ken doll vibe going on and I'm here for it. Unfortunately the moment he opened his mouth I was ready to lace my running shoes and bolt for the door. There’s only one way to describe how this date has gone…boring as fuck. I did my part, I’ve been polite, nodding along to all of his stories about holidays with his parents and football training whilst I sip awayat cocktail after cocktail. I haven’t been able to get a word in all night, not that he’s even asked anything about me anyway.

Connor tips his beer glass to his lips and gulps hard. “Better go then, if I'm going to have you home for 10:30.”

“Uh-huh,” I nod, scraping my chair back and standing up as I throw my coat over my shoulders.

Connor leads me out of the pub, his hand skimming my lower back. I try to slink away from his touch, feeling a little grossed out by him purely for the fact that he’s self obsessed and has an ego the size of Mount Everest. I know I'm a hypocrite, a lot of people would say the same thing about Nick, massive ego and cocky as the day is long. But I know even after one night with him, that he’s deeper than that, there’s a lot more there under the surface. He’s all I’ve been able to think about all night, wishing it was him sat across from me chewing on a steak and making me laugh so hard my stomach hurts.

The wind whips my hair, the icy chill prickling against my skin and making me shiver. Conner slings a heavy arm around my shoulders and I hold my breath, the heavy sweetness of alcohol on his breath is sending nauseous waves through my stomach.

“Hey, are you sure you don’t wanna come back to my dorm for a bit?” He winks, drunken eyelids opening and closing too slowly.

“Erm, no, thanks, I need to get home.”

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