Page 50 of Catch Me

I tuck the curls behind her ears and take her cheeks between my palms. “What happened in there? Did you talk to him?”

She nods and sniffs roughly. “Yeah, I think we’re moving in the right direction, but—” she glances up at me, a rogue tear trickling down her cheek. “He said he doesn’t know if he can ever forgiveyouand that’s what hurts the most. I ruined your friendship with Sean and that’s never what I wanted to do.”

“Hey, hey, hey,” I stop her anxious rambling with a soft kiss sealed against her parted lips. “Don’t worry about that, it doesn’t matter to me. If I have you I'm happy, you’re all I need.”

“That’s not the point,” her breath is still shaky and jagged. “You guys have been best friends for years and I ruined it.”

I pull her to my chest again, dipping my face into her neck. “No, you didn’t, this is my fault. I knew Sean would never approve of us and I still went after you anyway.”

Her arms secure themselves around my middle again and we stay there for a long minute, just holding each other and thinking about the shit storm we accidentally created. I don’t know why, but something in my gut forces my eyes up to the window on the second floor of the house. Sean stands in the stream of light that emits from his bedroom window, hands in his pockets and face forlorn as he watches us. We lock eyes for a beat and then he vanishes from my view and the darkness engulfs Lois and I again. She digs in her pocket for her car keys just as the front door swings open and Sean steps out slowly onto the porch.

Lois freezes like a rabbit in the headlights, but Sean's not even looking at her, he’s looking directly at me. He says nothing, but somehow I just know that he wants to talk to me, that’s the reason he’s out here looking like a child who didn’t get any presents from Santa.

“Go home Lo, I’ll meet you there later.” I say, keeping my eyes pinned on her brother, who has still made no attempt to move or speak.

I think she protests, but it’s like I'm in some sort of bubble as I make my way towards the darkened porch, so I don’t hear a word Lois says. I do hear her car door slam though and her tyres crunch across the gravel as she leaves. By the time I reach the porch steps Sean has vanished inside the house, leaving the front door open for me to follow. I trundle up the stairs behind his heavy footsteps and follow the stream of warm, orange light that spills out of his ajar bedroom door. As I push it open I spot him sitting on the bed, elbows on his knees and head in his hands. He doesn’t look up when I enter, even though I know he hears me. I stay close to the door, unsure whether I'm going to end up with a black eye before I leave here tonight. I'd take one from him if it meant we could move towards him forgiving me.

We’re both quiet for a few moments, waiting for the other one to speak first. When neither of us do I take a step forward into the centre of the room and inhale deeply, readying myself for whatever may fly at me.

“Look Taylor, I'm sorry ok? I’m sorry that we kept this from you for so long, but Lois was scared about how you’d react, she didn’t want to hurt you.” My throat is tight when I speak and I know he hears it in my voice because he looks up at me for the first time. I can’t quite decipher the expression that’s smeared across his face, but it’s not one of anger, more of emotional exhaustion.

His tired eyes meet mine and he sighs heavily. “I don’t think you are sorry, I think you got exactly what you wanted. You wanted to fuck my little sister and you got your own way, as usual.”

Something twists tight in my chest at his words, but I press the ache down and step closer to him again. “Iamsorry man, it was an accident.”

“You accidentally fell into my sister’s vagina?” Sean spits, eyes hard as he jumps to his feet.

“Ok, the sex wasn’t an accident, but falling in love with her wasn’t part of my plan.” I’m yelling now too and I know for a fact the whole house can hear, but I don’t give a shit anymore. We’re hashing this out, right here, right now.

“Oh, you’re in love with her?” Sean says sarcastically, a hand landing on his forehead as he begins to pace back and forth. “Sorry, I didn’t realise that tiny detail otherwise I would have congratulated the two of you instead.”

“It’s true man, I love her.”

“Bullshit!” His fingers jabs through the air towards me, his face is red with rage now. “You’re not capable of loving anyone but yourself.”

I stop then, staring with disbelief at the guy I once considered to be one of my best friends. All my life I’ve been told I'm not worthy of love, or that I'm selfish and only care about me. Butto hear that from someone who knows all about my fucked up family and all the shit I’ve been through in my life, that’s another feeling entirely. My chest is compressing, crushing my lungs and stopping the jagged breaths that were leaving my lips only moments ago.

“Wow…” I croak, swallowing thickly against the sandy dryness of my throat. “You know what? That fucking hurts coming from you.”

Sean stares at me, the hardness in his eyes faltering for a beat and I can almost see a flicker of regret. But I don’t give him chance to respond.

“Fuck this, I'm done.” I spit and slam his bedroom door closed behind me before bolting down the stairs, straight into my car.

As soon as the world outside is blocked out and the silence of my car cocoons me, that’s when I break down. I let my forehead drop against the steering wheel, holding a hand to my chest like my heart might fall right out of it. I feel like I can’t breathe, like my body is working against me, trying to suffocate me as I fight for breath. I yank the phone from my jeans pocket and with trembling fingers I tap Lois’ name. My neck is hot, sweating and shrinking with every second that passes.

She answers fast. “Hey, you ok? You on the way home?”

I inhale sharply, sending a stabbing pain through my chest. “I—I…”

“Nick? What’s happening?” She’s panicked now, her voice a rushed squeak that’s making my chest collapse even faster.

“I can’t…breathe…”

“Ok, ok, listen to me.” I hear the familiar squeak of her mattress as she gets up from the bed. “It sounds like you’re having a panic attack. Just focus on my voice Nick and think about your breath. Slowly inhale as deep as you can,” she inhales with me and I scrunch my eyes closed, honing in on the sound of her voice.“Now exhale slowly,” the angelic, melody of her soft voice in my ear forces me to focus on my breathing.

After a minute or so my lungs open up like a flower, allowing the air to filter in effortlessly, and with Lois still whispering softly in my ear I’m finally able to relax again.

CHAPTER 27

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