Page 53 of Lock Me Out

Where are you?I hate the idea of Nix being alone out there somewhere. Sure, he took care of himself all these months on his own, hiding, but that doesn’t mean I want him to have to do it again. I don’t want him to be alone.

Is there something wrong with me? Why should I care the way I do? He killed Mom. He hurt me. I should hate him.

But what I really want to do now that I know Colt will be okay is leave this hospital and find his brother. It’s torture, not knowing, having to imagine. He did seem strong, though, didn’t he? He wasn’t dazed or anything. He knew exactly what he was doing. I need to cling to the hope that he didn’t somehow deteriorate once the adrenaline wore off.

“Okay, you’re all set.” I turn when the nurse finishes her work. She gives me an appraising look. “Are you planning on staying the night?” she asks with sympathy in her voice.

“Can I? I didn’t know if that was possible. I would like to.”

“You don’t have to do that,” Colt tells me, but the nurse just smiles and shakes her head a little.

“Men are so stubborn, aren’t they?” she asks me, and we share a soft laugh. Pointing to a vinyl-covered sofa under the window, she explains, “That opens into a bed, and there are sheets and pillows in the closet. Just in case you want to get comfortable.”

“Thank you so much.” It’s good to know I have the option. Right now, I can’t imagine going home alone, where I can sit and worry for Nix, for Colt, for me. Why did the brakes fail? Who did this? Deborah and Dennis are dead.

Now that we’re alone again, I sit down with Colt and take his hand. “I was so scared when you were just sitting there,unconscious,” I whisper. The memory is an icy fist that closes around my heart and squeezes tight enough to take my breath away.

“That’s all over now. I’m okay. A concussion. It’s nothing.”

Funny, but it doesn’t make me feel any better. “It could’ve been a lot worse.”

“Don’t start spiraling. It’s not going to make you feel any better.”

Too late. “Come on. Like I’m supposed to think this is all a big coincidence? We both know it’s not. Since when do brakes fail out of nowhere?”

His nostrils flare when he takes a deep breath, which he releases slowly. It is killing me to see him like this—there’s plenty of strength in his voice and anger in his eyes, but he’s lying in bed wearing a hospital gown. That sort of takes the edge off. Not that I would ever call him weak, but he’s about as close to it as I’ve ever seen him. “We will get to the bottom of it one way or another. If somebody is responsible for this, they’re going to pay.”

The machine next to him that’s been monitoring his heart rate starts beeping faster. “Okay, let’s not talk about it right now,” I decide, glancing up at the display. “All we need is somebody running in here thinking you’re having a cardiac incident, or whatever it’s called.”

“Then you definitely shouldn’t kiss me, because that will make my heart race too fast.”

“I don’t know. Maybe we could take our chances.” With a careful lean over in his direction, our mouths touch, and I know it’s exactly what I needed. I was terrified back there for that onehorrifying moment when I didn’t know if he was dead or alive. This feels like a gift.

It’s such a shame there’s still something inside me holding me back from being fully present. And he knows it. There’s disappointment in his eyes when I pull back. “You’re still thinking about him,” he says in a soft voice.

For one second, I consider pretending I don’t know who he’s talking about. That would get me nowhere. So instead, I lift a shoulder, fighting for the right thing to say. “I mean, it would be nice if he would reach out to let us know he’s all right. I’d feel a lot better if he did that.”

But when will he? Maybe he never will. It’s a good thing there aren’t any sensors on my chest, because they’d be going crazy by now. I feel like my heart is going to burst.

“You better be careful,” he says, his eyes narrowing as they search my face. “I might wonder whether you love him.”

It’s like I just dropped over the edge of the first hill on a roller coaster, and my stomach plummeted along with me. “No. I don’t. Is that what you think?”

“Relax. I’m not accusing you of anything.”

No, but it’s pretty obvious the comment didn’t come out of nowhere. “Is this something you’ve been thinking about? Have I done something to make you doubt me?”

“You’re getting me all wrong. I’m not accusing you of anything. It’s all right if you love him. I would understand.”

“But I don’t!” And I don’t like the direction this conversation has gone. It makes me feel antsy and uncomfortable, like I can’t sit still. “I’m concerned. He’s your brother. Of course, I care.”

He only snorts softly, then lets out a deep sigh. “Fine, have it your way. I’m exhausted. We can argue about this later.”

I don’t want to argue. I want him to believe me, dammit. It’s obvious he doesn’t—and it’s obvious I’m all messed up about it. Where is this coming from?

While Colt closes his eyes, I return to the window like staring into a dark night will help anything. Maybe I’ll make up the couch later. Right now, I want to sit up and keep an eye on him. Besides, I doubt I’d get a minute of sleep with a war going on in my head. Do I love Nix? I mean, I guess there wouldn’t be anything wrong with that.

But am Iin lovewith him? Big difference. I can’t be—not only because I’m already in love with Colt. I can’t be in love with both of them at the same time. It’s like when they’re together, they unlock something inside each other that always exists, but they somehow manage to suppress on their own—at least most of the time.

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