Page 35 of Lock Me Out

When he stands, I stand too, shaking my head, laughing at him. “Oh, right? Because it’s that easy? You come here, get cleaned up, and then you go? What if I go to the authorities tomorrow, tell them you’re alive and in town somewhere?”

“What if I leave before you can do that? I could go somewhere else, anywhere else, and you would never know where.”

“If you were going to do that,” I point out, folding my arms, “then why haven’t you done it yet? Why are you still here? I know why.” All it takes is the slightest shift of my gaze, glancing to the side where Leni sits. The way he lowers his gaze tells me I’m right.

His fists hang at his sides, flexing rhythmically. “I’ll do what I have to do. But I will not let you two get caught up. I haven’t spent seven fucking months living like a goddamn hermit to sacrifice you now. I could only ever hurt you.” When he says that, it’s Leni he’s talking to, Leni who he watches like a hawk. He can’t stay away from her. It makes me wonder how deep his feelings are—I didn’t know he had feelings for her in the first place, at least not the kind I have.

“And it would hurt if you ran away now,” she whispers. “Not only me. It would hurt Colt, too, even if he won’t say it out loud.”

“I don’t know,” I mutter, talking to her but glaring at him. “Maybe I wouldn’t give a shit. He didn’t give a shit about what it did to me all these months, did he? Reading my messages, not bothering to say a word back.” I can hardly believe the way it makes me feel when I say the words and remember all the time I spent typing those emails, keeping him updated, hoping like hell something I said would get through to him. Believing, being the only one who did believe, wondering how we were ever going to tell Mom he was gone, since even telling him she was still alive wasn’t enough to get a response.

Now, I’m the one whose fists are clenched. One punch wasn’t enough. I could knock him flat on his back and it wouldn’t be enough. “Yeah, maybe he should go. It was a mistake to have him here.”

At least he looks sorry now, but it doesn’t change anything. I can’t get back all the time I spent hoping and wondering and wishing the rest of the world could understand what I understood.

“I’m asking you to believe me,” he mutters. “Just try to understand. I thought I was doing the right thing. For all of us.”

“I’m not going to thank you.”

“I didn’t ask you to.”

“Then why bother telling us any of this?”

“I only want you to understand why I did what I did. And how sorry I am—really, really sorry,” he whispers to Leni, who only sniffles in response. “I wish I could take it back. I know thatsounds empty and stupid, but I do. And maybe that’s why it was important for me to stay away,” he adds with a shrug. “I’m no good. I cause pain. That’s all I’ve ever given you, right?” he asks her.

“Maybe you were just too much of a coward to face up to what you did,” I murmur, because I have never been so pissed off at anyone in my life. And not just pissed off, either—it goes much deeper than that. He betrayed me by not trusting me with the truth. He made a fucking fool out of me. He made my girlfriend think I’m crazy for believing what was true all along. And I’m supposed to understand him?

“Maybe I was,” he snaps, scrubbing a hand over his head. “Maybe I’ve been living in a fucking pit ever since as punishment for that—and so many other things, things I don’t deserve to be forgiven for.”

“Do you really want forgiveness?” she asks while I fight to make sense of the storm raging inside me.

I watch, silent, as he thinks this over. “I never imagined getting it. But now that I’m here… I mean, now that I’m with you, both of you… is it possible? Can you forgive me for what I did?”

I hear the agony in his voice. I see it on his face. I know it’s the right thing to do, forgiving him, and there is definitely a part of me that wants to. It doesn’t matter how I feel about what he did or how long he stayed away. At my core, in the deepest, truest part of me, I’m too happy he’s back to want to keep fighting. At least not tonight. We’ve already been through enough.

And deep down, I’m afraid if I push too hard, he’ll leave for good. I don’t want that. And it would haunt Leni, just like everythingthat happened tonight is going to haunt her, probably for a while.

It’s too much for her, the way I knew it would be. “I need to go to sleep,” she whispers, shivering, rubbing her arms. “My head is going to explode. I can’t think about this anymore tonight.”

I know what she means, since I feel the same way. The adrenaline rush passed a long time ago, and now I feel empty. I should be overjoyed at having my brother back, but right now I’m numb. “That’s a good idea. Things will look better after we sleep for a little bit.”

When Nix frowns, I add, “You’re staying here. With us. You know how much room we have in the bed.” A quick flash of pain in his eyes makes me feel good. I want him to regret what he did. He deserves much worse than that for using her.

But still, I want him to stay. He’s my brother, and I know who he really is inside. I know how Dad twisted him, but I know he doesn’t need to stay that way.

And if I push him out of my life now, what hope does he have?

“Okay,” he says with a sigh, like he had a choice. Leni leads the way to the bedroom, where she doesn’t bother to flip on the light before stripping down to her underwear and crawling into bed, curling up in a ball in the center. I strip down to my boxer briefs and get in behind her, drawing her close, watching him over her head.

He only hesitates a second before sliding under the duvet, lying on his back rather than facing us, bending an arm under his head and staring up at the ceiling. “Please, don’t leave,” Leni whispers in the dark.

Something tells me even if he was planning to, he won’t now. All because she asked him to stay.

For a long time, we were the ones who had power over her. Somewhere along the way, that shifted, and now she’s the one holding the cards.

The thought stays with me as she starts snoring softly, and after my brother closes his eyes. I’m the only one still awake, caught between wondering what happens next and feeling complete for the first time in forever.

17

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