Page 92 of Ink & Stardust

“You say that now, but you probably said the same thing after Leo.” Char gives my forearm a squeeze. “I know things seem bleak right now, but it’ll all work out the way it was meant to. Everything happens for a reason. I truly believe that. It’s all up to fate.”

“Oh yeah?” I let out a humorless laugh. “Well, what happens when fate hates you?”

“Fate isn’t capable of hate. It just is.”

“Well, it justisa cruel asshole,” I counter, drawing a snicker from Maisie.

“I still haven’t gotten used to the word ass and hole coming out of your mouth,” she tells me with a smile.

“You hush.” I push her shoulder. She sways slightly with a laugh.

While every pore in my body can feel the absence of Kai, there’s one significant difference between this situation and the one I faced over the summer, and these two girls are it.

When everything fell apart with Leo, I didn’t have anyone to turn to. My best friend was in on the betrayal. Most of our mutual friends sided with him, or with her, and I was left feeling both devastated and utterly and completely alone.

I don’t have to wonder if things would have been different had Charlotte and Maisie come into my life earlier. I know they would have been. Because while I feel the weight of my loss crushing down on me, making it hard to breathe, Char and Maisie are the oxygen tank, pumping air into my lungs, too weak to function on their own. They are my life support, and they’ll be the reason why this doesn’t break me, even when I’m so certain it will.

Last time, I let my heartbreak nearly destroy me. I let the pain of what happened feed off my existing anxiety, which ultimately led to debilitating panic attacks. And while that anxiety is still more prominent than I’d like, I feel like I have a better handle on it now than I did back then.

Char was right about one thing. I’m so much stronger now than I was when I came here. I’m strong enough to get through this. Even when it feels like I’m not, I know I am. And the ironic thing is Kai’s the one who showed me that I was.

Maybe that was his purpose. Maybe Charlotte was right about another thing too—that everything happens for a reason—even when you’re in too much pain to see it. Maybe Kai came into my life when he did because he’s what I needed. Maybe one day I’ll be able to look back and be grateful for our time together. But right now...

Right now, all I want is him.

And no matter what lies I try to feed myself, the truth is, that fact isn’t going to change for a very, very long time.

“Did you understand any of that?” Hannah, one of the girls who sits next to me in Math, exits the classroom at my side. “Because I was totally lost.”

“Same.” I slide my bag onto my shoulder. “At this rate, I’ll be lucky if I end up with a D,” I say, knowing my inability to focus on my final has very little to do with the material and everything to do with a certain tattooed man who has consumed my every waking thought for the past twelve days. Twelve incredibly long, agonizing days that went something like this.

Day one: cried the entire day.

Day two: cried the entire day.

Day three: cried almost the entire day.

Day four: cried. Then got mad and cut up the T-shirt of his that I wore home one day.

Day five: regretted cutting up his shirt and cried over the strands.

Day six: finally ate a real meal, though I threw it up that evening.

Day seven: paced my room the entire day, trying to keep myself from going to the library to see if he was there.

Day eight: finally returned to class. Paid no attention and learned nothing.

Day nine: much of the same, though I cried a little less this day.

Day ten: had a dream that I walked out of my room and found Kai with his tongue down Claire’s throat. Skipped class that day.

Day eleven: made it through the entire day without crying but felt sick to my stomach from the time I woke up until the time I went to bed.

Which brings us to day twelve. I got up and went to class at least, though with finals, I didn’t really have a choice in the matter. And I haven’t cried today or thought about throwing myself in front of a moving vehicle even once, so I’m gonna call that a win so far. Then again, the day is only half over.

“I have never been good with numbers,” Hannah rambles as we exit the building a few seconds later. “In high school, I used to use the internet to look up problems instead of trying to figure out how to solve them. That was probably my first mistake. My sister is the complete opposite. She is...”

Her words are suddenly drowned out by the roaring in my ears when I look up and see Kai, of all people, heading in our direction. Sweat instantly forms on my nape, and as he nears I feel borderline at risk of hyperventilation.

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