Page 16 of Ink & Stardust

I glance at Maisie, who’s watching me with a smile.

“Go.” She does a shooing motion with her hands, letting me know it’s okay to leave her.

“Okay,” I softly agree, allowing Owen to take my hand and pull me through the crowd toward the front room where the DJ is set up and several others are dancing.

“You look amazing,” he tells me, pulling me close before tugging my hands up around his neck.

If only... I feel like a fraud in this dress. I feel like a fraud in general.

“Thank you.” I smile, following his lead as I move my hips in time with the heavy beat of the music, which is much louder in here than any other part of the house, for obvious reasons.

I love dancing. I always have. But after the way things went down after senior prom, I don’t know... It feels different. Probably because the last time I danced like this was with Leo, just hours before I caught him in bed with my best friend.

I try to stay in the present, but I can’t shake the nagging feeling in my gut that keeps me firmly glued in the past.

I close my eyes and I can see it so clearly. Her on top of him. The look on his face when he finally noticed me. The wayshelooked at me. Mybestfriend.

Four months. That’s how long ago my entire world imploded. Four months, which somehow feels like an eternity ago and yet like it was yesterday all in the same breath. I still feel the sting from that night. No matter how hard I try to hide it, no matter how many smiles I fake or laughs I force, deep down, I know the truth I’m so desperate to hide from everyone else, and sometimes even myself... Just how broken I truly am.

Theybroke me. And I still haven’t figured out how to put myself back together yet.

Tears prick the back of my eyes and I suddenly feel on the verge of hyperventilation. The room is too small. The music is too loud. There are too many people. He’s too close...

I shove away from a surprised Owen, stumbling as I try to make my way out of the crowded room. I knock into several people on my way to the front door, but I’m too concerned with the heave I feel in my chest, threatening to expel the contents of my stomach all over the floor, to care enough to apologize.

I throw open the front door with so much force that the hinges groan, sprinting across the porch and out into the front yard like the damn house has caught on fire.

I slow to a stop next to a large tree with branches that hang low enough that if I wanted to, I could climb it. And for a brief moment, I consider it. When I was young, anytime I’d get mad at my parents or in a fight with one of my brothers, I’d climb the old oak tree in our backyard. Sometimes I’d stay up there for hours, usually untilRivercould convince me to come down.

Leaning my shoulder against the rough bark, I breathe deeply through my nose and out through my mouth, trying to calm the impending panic attack clawing at my back.

I’ve been so good, having not had a single attack since I arrived in Virginia. Back home, I had them almost every day following what happened with Leo and Summer. My parents were beside themselves. They were so worried that they startedto question if going to Virginia was the best idea, so I started to hide them, until hiding them became the norm.

“Now I get the shoes.”

I go rigid at the sound of the too-close voice.

“It’s so you can make a quick escape.”

I glance behind me to see Kai Elliot, the damn god that he is, smirking at me. Or at least, he was smirking, until he gets a good look at my face.

“Are you okay?” His expression goes somber.

“I’m fine,” I say too loudly, trying to calm my heart, which feels seconds away from beating straight out of my damn chest.

“You don’t look fine.”

“I said I’m fine.” I bite more forcefully, my legs starting to give. “I can’t breathe.” I sink to my knees, my lungs so tight it feels like someone has sucked the air right out of them. “I can’t breathe.” Tears don’t just sting my eyes this time, they sting my cheeks too.

“Look at me.” Kai drops to the ground in front of me, taking my face in his hands. If I didn’t feel like I was about to die, I’d probably be losing my crap right about now. “Look at me,” he demands, his voice firm, a complete contradiction to how gently he touches me.

I do as he says, lifting my gaze to meet his.

“Focus on me and breathe. Deep breath in.”

I do as he says, though the action is strained.

“Blow it out slowly.”

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