Page 90 of Ink & Stardust

“Shocker, I know,” I mutter bitterly.

Like honestly, who didn’t see that coming? I knew from the very beginning what this was and yet I went and did it anyway. I guess the joke is on me.

“She told him she loved him and...” Char shakes her head beside me, filling Maisie in on the gist of what she’s missed. I mean, that basically does sum it all up.

“Please don’t tell me you ended things because he didn’t say it back.” Maisie lowers herself down onto her knees in front of me.

“It wasn’t that he didn’t say it back,” I choke. “It’s the way he reacted. The way he looked at me. It was pretty obvious he doesn’t feel the same way.”

“Shit.” She shakes her head, her brown hair moving across her back as she does.

“You straightened your hair,” I say through fresh tears that fill my eyes. After Leo, I thought I’d cried all the tears there wereto cry. Clearly, I was wrong. I’ve never cried more in my life than I have in this past year.

I think fate is playing some really sick joke on me. Like how much can this girl take before she finally cracks.Well, fate, consider me broken. I hope you’re happy.

“I did.” She touches the silky strands, which are usually twirled in big, beautiful curls.

“I like it.” I sniff again.

“Thank you. Though I think we have more important things to discuss than my hair.” She takes my hand that’s not holding a tissue. “Are you okay?”

“Does she look okay?” Char bites.

“I can obviously see that she’s upset,” she tells Charlotte through gritted teeth. “I just meant, is there anything I can do?” She turns her focus back to me.

“Take this away.” I press my nails into my chest as if to signify reaching inside and tearing my traitorous heart right out of my chest cavity. “I can’t believe I did this to myself again.”

“You did not do this to yourself,” Char is quick to object.

“Didn’t I?” I look at her through watery eyes. “Maisie warned me away from him the first night I met him and yet, I didn’t listen. Kai himself told me for weeks that this is what would happen and that didn’t stop me either. I wanted him so badly that I was willing to ignore everything and everyone. I lied to myself. Tried to make myself believe that I was someone capable of a casual fling. Does this look like someone capable of a casual fling?” I gesture at myself. At my face. At the overall state of me.

“When I first met you,” Charlotte starts, “you were the most tightly wound person I’d ever met, no offense.”

“Offended,” I grumble under my breath.

Char hears me but pretends like she doesn’t, not missing a beat.

“I think the reason you went for Kai is because youknewhe was dangerous. You needed that in your life. You needed someone who challenged you. Someone to stick a pin in the too-small bubble you lived inside. And you’re so much stronger because of it. Maybe it didn’t turn out the way you hoped it would but look at you. You needed someone like him to disrupt your life so that you could actually start living it.”

I consider her words for a long moment.

In a lot of ways, I know she’s right.

I’m not the same person I was just a few short months ago. I’m more confident. More certain of myself. Hell, just look at my interaction with Leo last week. Over the summer, if he had shown up like that, I would have dissolved into a puddle of tears and shown him just how much he truly hurt me. But instead, I stood up for myself in a way I never have before. Kai did that. Or rather, he gave me the strength to know I could.

On the other hand, haven’t I basically just ended up right back in the same position I was a few months ago? Heartbroken over a man who didn’t deserve me to begin with.

Only that’s not entirely true because I think in a lot of ways, Kai was more than worthy. In his kindness. In the way he cared for me. In the way he made me feel special. Even if it was all fleeting, I never doubted that he deserved to be loved.

Maybe he just doesn’t realize it yet. Or maybe he’s not ready for that kind of love. But one day, I have to believe he will be, and when he is, he’s going to make some lucky woman incredibly happy. The fact that that woman will not be me, well, that’s a whole other issue that I’m going to have to find a way to work through.

“I hate to say I agree with her, but...” Maisie shifts her legs so that they’re crossed in front of her like a pretzel, completing our little circle.

“I know.” I blow out a slow breath. “And I know it was stupid of me to think that maybe we could be more.”

“It wasn’t stupid.” Maisie is quick to disagree. “With the way Kai was acting, hell, even I thought maybe it was going to be more, and Iknowhim.”

“No one faults you for holding out hope.” Char rubs my back soothingly. “Sometimes we can’t help who we fall for. All you can do is hold on tight and hope that when all is said and done, you surface on the other side a better version of yourself, whether that person is standing next to you or not.”

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