Page 38 of King of Hearts

“You haven’t,” my new friend reassured me, “and these numbers on the box”—she pointed her finger at the numbers going from the letter N to one and so on until she hit the number four—“the different sizes I mentioned…you want to be prepared because these babies grow so fast and it’s good to have some on hand.”

I nodded, moving past my meltdown and rising off the floor.

“I’ll call the office and see if they can get me in as soon as tomorrow.”

“Good, that will change everything for you. And pick out a boy name and a girl name…or a gender-neutral one.”

I nodded, picking up the things we’d brought out to scan. I wanted to see everything so I knew what to get if I came on my own. Fatima had been sweet enough to accede to my demands.

“Here, text me a picture of your little one when you go, okay?” She handed me a small piece of paper, which forced a knot to form in my throat and a burning to singe the backs of my eyes.

“Okay, I will,” I whispered, not finding my voice. She smiled and sauntered away, likely not aware of how monumental it was that she’d given me her number or helped me today. I wanted to thank her, do something that would pay her back for all her help…but I knew if I flashed money at her, she’d back away and think I was trying to buy her friendship. I wasn’t; I just didn’t know how to be in a normal friendship without those things. Maybe Mal would know.

As I started out of the store, my mind still on Mal and a little bit on food, I nearly missed the two jackets darkening the space near my car. They lounged against the hood of the minivan opposite mine, their collars popped, sunglasses perched on their noses, covering their eyes, all while smoke billowed from their lit cigarettes.

This time I didn’t feel right about approaching or going to my car, and since they hadn’t looked up yet or noticed me, I slunk back inside and headed back toward the baby section where I knew I could sit and be out of anyone’s eyesight.

Once I was there, I tugged my cell free and swallowed my pride. Punching in Juan’s number, I waited for the call to connect, except it never did. I redialed him five times with no success and got no response to any of my text messages, so I waited.

I waited and waited. My fingers shook, and my heart throbbed as the hours passed. I was terrified to leave the store, and I had no idea if Fatima was still working. I had shot her a text asking if she was but got no response, so there was a chance she had other things to attend to, and I didn’t want to get her in trouble. I contemplated calling my stepdad, but I knew he was up in New York with Mallory and Decker at the moment.

I had no one, and the realization of that truly began to sink in for the first time ever. I wanted to melt, break, and shatter, but I had nowhere to do it. I had a feeling I’d be escorted out of the building in the custody of the police, which would be horrible because my father would see that as a sign of weakness, or an attempt to escape him, both of which would be addressed with reminders or lessons.

Suddenly I heard the sound of thunder rumble softly outside the store and perked up at the chance that rain might accompany it.

Grabbing my bag and water bottle, I started back toward the front doors, only to see the two men making their way inside. Thankfully, I had eyes on them and was able to skirt around their entrance right as a larger family was exiting. I blended until I got to my car, where I crouched and gingerly crawled inside. Rain indeed was coming down in a massive downpour, thankfully covering my exodus from the parking lot.

“After this, we’re getting a massive SUV, little bean,” I muttered out loud, shutting the door. I waited for a blast of thunder to boom to start the car, and then I was pulling out of the lot as fast as lightning. If they saw me leave, I didn’t know. I just knew I had to go, get out, and get away. Instead of driving all the way to my stepdad’s and because I knew he wasn’t there to protect me, I ended up driving past the city.

The rain pelted my windshield as I drove down the road at dangerous speeds. My father had finally come for me, and it was sooner than my twenty-first birthday. I’d known it would happen, but still it felt like a jolt of lightning to my system.

How could I have been so stupid? Why hadn’t I run? Why had I just waited like a rabbit stuck in a trap for the hunter to come and gather me up? What had I done? Even now, I could run…I could drive and drive and never look back. The image of my sister’s face, devastated that she’d never see my daughter, and the gentle way Charlie’s eyes flickered with amusement when he looked at my mother, and…Juan…they all stopped me from keeping my foot on the pedal and my car going straight.

Instead I took a sharp turn at sixty miles per hour. The sign suggested thirty-five, but I had driven this road so many times I knew it like the back of my hand, even drenched in inches of rain.

Houses and buildings began to spread out, more and more sparse the further I got out of the city. I pushed down the gas pedal as anger surged forward, boiling my blood. This hate had simmered under the surface for years as I was forced to do things against my will, forced into this life I never asked for. Now I had this one light, this little gleaming hope, and he would steal it from me.

I couldn’t allow it. I wouldn’t.

Seeing the half-broken sign indicating that trespassers would get shot, I cranked the wheel to the right and pulled into the narrow drive, hidden by dense brush. The tail end of my Beamer jumped and swung but straightened after a few seconds. There was thick mud, but the road itself was mostly gravel, so I stayed straight.

Plowing down about a mile, I finally pulled under a large tree and put my car in park. The sky was dark, but there was enough light for me to do what I needed to. I tugged my collar up, zipped my coat, and pulled up my hood. Grabbing my phone and headphones, I popped the trunk and moved toward the back of the car.

I tugged out the pair of tall rain boots first, slipping off my shoes, then pulled the tall rubber up to my calves and set my shoes in the trunk. Shoving a dark blanket out of the way, I grasped a small black case. Unclipping the latches on either side, I pushed the top open, removed the foam from the top, and took a deep breath.

Black matte metal met me as my fingers wrapped around the handgun. Cradling it in my hand, I adjusted the adapter, twisting the suppressor in place. With me being in my third trimester, I had to be careful with extra noise that might hurt my baby’s hearing, so I had purchased a way to silence the gunfire a while ago, knowing if I wanted to shoot during this time, I’d need it.

The rain finally dissipated, leaving behind a wispy fog. I hadn’t been out to this spot in months, and now, with a much larger stomach, the hike was trying.

Finally making it to the clearing, I checked on my targets.

They seemed to be intact, a little warped and faded, but the circles and coloring were still there. Walking toward the middle of the clearing, I faced a large hill. At the base were my marks, each nailed to a piece of plywood, tilted to stay in place.

I stood in the middle, digging a scratch in the mud. Pulling my earbuds out, I set up my playlist and increased my phone volume then swiped until it was on airplane mode. My fingers flexed, twisting the gun to prep it. First, I pulled the clip out and made sure it was full, then I slammed it back into place and pulled the hammer back until it was ready to go.

Lining up the sight on my gun, keeping both eyes open, I aimed for the center first. Just as the haunting sounds of “Save My Love” rocked through me, I readied my stance and began to shoot.

Wood splintered as the bullets slammed into the colored circles, a few going wide at first, as expected. The small sounds coming from the extra barrel on the gun were still mostly blocked by the music, but the ripple going up my arm always seemed to make a sound. It was always as though I was back in that room as a little girl, my tiny fingers wrapped around the trigger.

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