Page 60 of Little Dove

He gently pulls me back and gives me a hard look. “What did I say about apologies, Amara?”

“But—”

“No buts and no apologies, Amara. Now we know, me above is going to be hard for you, so we learn and we adapt, simple as that. You were fine when you were atop me, right?” I nod. “Is it hovering in general, or my size that bothered you?”

“The hovering,” I say after a moment. “I don’t mind your size. I actually like it, but when you were over me that way, it just reminded me of…” No, I don’t want to go there. “It just reminded me,” I repeat dumbly.

He rubs at my back soothingly. “Then we find another way for you to be comfortable. Sex is not just one way,dolcezza. It’s any way we want to make it. But for tonight, I think that’s enough. You did so well.” He kisses along my jaw. “I’m so proud of you,colombina.”

Then why do I feel so disappointed? A part of me knows he’s right, but the other larger part wants me to keep going. To keep trying. Keep pushing. “I don’t want those fuckers to win,” I whisper angrily.

“They’re not. They are not winning, simply because you are the one that is making the decisions on what you do, Amara. You’re sitting in a bed with me, naked, and thinking and feeling for yourself. You have done more just now than you ever have, right? That counts for so much more than you know.”

“But every time this happens, they win, Lazaro. It’s like, in my head, they’re laughing at me, knowing that I’m so messed up by all of them that I can’t do anything related to sex without thinking of them.”

He’s silent for a moment. “Amara, this is only our first try. We did not build Rome in a day, and there are many times things don’t go the way we want on the first pass at it. For tonight, we go to sleep, and we try again when you’re ready.” I want to argue some more, but he’s right. I nod slowly, and he smiles softly. “Good girl. You get in bed, and I’ll go deal with the bathtub?” I nod again, still not feeling happy about this whole turn of events. Lazaro presses a soft kiss to my lips, and whispers, “I’m so proud of you,colombina,” before releasing me.

I slip off him and watch as he heads into the bathroom, feeling a mixture of pleased but also still a bit pissed at myself, before I finally give in and crawl up to slide under the covers. I burrow in, but the second my head hits the pillow, it’s like my entire body realizes just how exhausted I am.

We’ll try again tomorrow, I think sleepily. And this time, I’ll get it right.

20

AMARA

I wake with a start,my heart pounding hard in my chest as my eyes fly open and I realize just how dark the room is. I fight back a whimper as I try to calm myself and keep my breathing even. Shadows flitter around the edge of my consciousness, dark and foreboding. I grip my pillow tightly, telling myself to calm down. That I’m fine, I’m safe. To try and go back to sleep.

I gasp when I feel arms tightening around me, and terror slithers down my throat until I hear a sleepily murmured, “Shhh, I have you,colombina.” Instant relief fills me, the kind that has my body going slack, and the panic abating. I turn toward myself toward him, burying my face in his chest and wrapping myself around him. I feel him nuzzle the top of my head, his hand moving soothingly over the middle of my back. I keep breathing him in; he’s so warm and smells so good that it pushes the rest of the demons in my head away. I don’t care about the dark with him holding me.

“Was it a nightmare?” he asks quietly.

“I don’t remember, but I think so,” I whisper back, easing away a little to try and see him. I can just make out the edge of his jawline, but everything else is shrouded in the darkness. “I panicked until you talked to me, and it snapped me out of it. I, um, I’m not a fan of the dark.”

He stills his hand. “The dark?” he repeats carefully.

“Everything bad always happened in the dark. Sneaking into my room, the abuse, and even Clay and Corey, they figured out I hated it and would take away my nightlight after they raped me. They’d leave me drugged and stuck in pitch darkness until I could finally move again and turn on the light. They did it over and over, and now I can barely stand it.”

His body goes rigid. “Those fuckers,” he curses, and I can all but hear his jaw grinding. “Let me turn on the light,dolcezza.”

“No,” I say quickly, tightening myself around him when he goes to pull away. “No, just wait. I…I want to try something.” He remains in place, not saying anything. I swallow hard, because this is another impulse that I’m fucking hoping isn’t going to bomb like our experiment earlier. I hope he won’t reject it. I scoot myself up until my nose bumps his chin. “Kiss me,” I whisper. “Please.”

Lazaro doesn’t hesitate, reaching up to cup my jaw and angle my head. It’s a slow, gentle kiss, but it keeps me grounded, anchored to him and nothing else. I move my free hand down over his shoulder, feeling the hardness of his muscles, the smoothness of his skin, and even a few ridges of scars that have healed over time.

It’s a tender exploration, and when I reach his wrist, I go back up and then move my hand down slowly over his chest, ribs, and down his side to his hip, fingers brushing along the band of his lounge pants. The kiss picks up as I move my hand inward, along the ridges of his belly, examining each ab carefully, relishing the strength of this man. I move my handback up between us, my finger flicking over his nipple quickly, earning a sharp groan from him as he pulls away. “Amara,” he rasps warningly.

“I’m tired of being afraid, Lazaro,” I tell him softly. Somehow being in the dark, and not able to see his expression isn’t as scary as I thought it would be. It’s almost easier this way. “Help me replace the bad memories with some good. Help me enjoy the dark instead of fear it. Help me banish the demons that constantly want to take over. Please, Lazaro.”

At first, I think he’s going to tell me no, but maybe he realizes how much I need this, and instead of arguing, he orders, “You’ll tell me if you have to stop, Amara.”

“Yes,” I promise. I press my mouth back to his, done with talking. He kisses me back, more passionate than before, and doesn’t fight me when I push at him to lie back, rolling us so that I’m once again above him. His hands slide down to my ass, gripping them tight, but I pull my mouth away. I want to explore, and just like he was doing with his mouth earlier, I want my turn.

I move along his jaw, down his neck, and over his shoulder. “You’re so soft and so hard at the same time,” I murmur as I ease down, kissing the top of his pectoral.

“Fuck,” he breathes, and his fingers dig deeper into the flesh of my cheeks as I continue to ease my way down. The darkness is still there, but instead of fear, I feel emboldened. I focus on using all my senses to figure out what part of him my mouth and hands are touching. Muscles quiver, and skin pebbles as I move my mouth and hands over his chest, and another low groan fills the air when my nose nudges over his right nipple. I pause, doing it again, recalling how he acted when I pinched him earlier. Another slight jerk, but he doesn’t stop me.

I remember reading a scene in a book where a woman sucked on the man like he did to her, and he loved it. I wonder if Lazarois like that. Or is it just a man thing? I glance up, but I can’t make out anything in the darkness. My resolve wavers just a little, but I push it away. No more of that. I press my lips to the hardened peak, then tentatively extend my tongue to brush against it. His entire body locks up, and he lets out a hiss that sounds almost pained. I rear back, terrified I’ve done something to upset him, but he quickly stops me with a hand cupping the back of my head. “Fuck, do that again,dolcezza,” he grits out. “I’ve never had someone do that and it feels so fucking good.”

Oh, well, okay then. I do it again, still keeping the stroke of my tongue light, but when I go a little harder, allow my mouth to get a little closer, he lets out a strangled groan, and his grip on the back of my head tightens. I push back against his hand, and he lets me up; I move over to the other one, doing the same thing. He gives the same reaction, until I finally pull away, wishing I could see his face.

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