Page 67 of Alfie: Part Two

“Nope.” West wasn’t smiling anymore either. He was just picking at his food.

Had I said something wrong?

“What’s happening?” Thank fuck, Kellan was confused too. “I think it’s a great idea.”

West cleared his throat. “I thought so too, until he called his mother old. She’s nine fucking years older than me.”

“That makes her…” Shan furrowed his brow, maybe doing the math…? Before he widened his eyes at me. “She’s fifty-four?Boy, I officially denounce you as my nephew and a member of this family. Get the fuck out.”

“But—” I spluttered a laugh as it dawned on me. At the same time, I got confused, ’cause I was sure my mom was older. “Wait—no. She’s fifty-seven or something!”

“That’s your dad,” West grated out. “For God’s sake, Alfie.”

Oh, yikes. My ears felt hot all of a sudden, and I ran a hand through my hair.

Unfuck this, unfuck this, unfuck this.

“I don’t consider youse old,” I said urgently. “With my mom, it’s different. She’s…you know. She has a kid who’s over thirty, and?—”

“So do I,” Shan deadpanned.

Fuck! I looked to Kellan for help, but he was too busy trying not to explode with laughter. Motherfucker!

“She’s small and frail!” I exclaimed.

West gave me a look of disbelief. “She would tan your fucking hide if she heard you say that.”

“So don’t rat me out,” I spat. “Fuck you, I never called you old. You’re digging for shit?—”

“We’re the same generation,” he pointed out.

“Nuh-uh! She’s forever stuck in the ’50s,” I argued.

“Oh God.” Kellan burst out in laughter and hid his face in his hands.

Fuck this bullshit! I was done!

I gritted my teeth, feeling all flushed, and my chest felt a little tight. I reached for another tempura shrimp drenched in sriracha mayo, and I chomped down on it. I chewed and chewed and stared the old motherfuckers down. I wasn’t playing their game. Fuck ’em!

“You’re horrible people,” I told them. “Just horrible.”

“Horrible and old? This keeps getting better.” Shan drank from his wine.

I took another shrimp.

“And mean,” I added. “You’re fucking with me.”

“I don’t think so,” West mused. “At our age, we’re too busy making sure we don’t break our hips.”

“Indeed.” Shan shook his head.

Kellan shook his head too, but in amusement. “Aight, fuckin’ enough. Shan, you still call me kid sometimes, so you’re one to talk. And tell me right now you and West have never referred to us as the youngsters orboys.”

“What he said!” I pointed.

At long fucking last, West started cracking. He was struggling to hide the mirth in his eyes, and he snuck in and hugged me and kissed my cheek. But Shan continued, claiming he had no recollection of ever calling Kellan kid, and that was such bullshit. Even I had heard that.

“Then again, what do I know? I’m so old I’ve lost my memory,” he finished.

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