Page 8 of Unlearning

“What?!”

CHAPTER 7

August 2014

Brandon, age 28

She was finally gone. Fuck. This had been the worst week of my entire life. Just spending the whole month at my in-laws had been hard enough, with them constantly dropping hints about us moving back to Chicago, talking about how well all of their rich friends' kids were doing, asking what fancy preschool we were looking at for Ben – both Hailey and I were uncomfortable by the end, ‘cause there was no rational way to explain to her folks why wehad tolive with the pack, and why Ben needed to go to the non fancy pack preschool. I could see Hailey's gears turning, her parents' words getting to her, her trying to think of a way of giving our son a head start in life while simultaneously taking into account his unique nature. Then Ben got the measles, which in itself wasn’t bad, but with Hailey being 4 months pregnant and her parents being old (and human), it was a disaster waiting to happen. So it was decided – I would take Benback to the pack and she'd stay with her folks until the danger was over.

When we arrived back at the pack, I’d noticed people giving me strange looks on the street – which, at this point, most of them had stopped doing, so that felt weird. Then the Alpha summoned me, telling me Samantha has been visiting her parents in my absence (she seemed to have taken a page from my playbook in that regard) and warning me not to talk to her or harass her in any way until she can leave. “If you happen to see her, cross the street,” were his exact words. I could feel my wolf stirring inside me, offended that our Alpha was telling us what to do aboutourmate. He'd been very quiet lately, and I guiltily realized I hadn't been shifting as often as one should. I let him out on the mandatory monthly pack runs, but that was it. My life with Hailey was still very human within our four walls, but I was going to need to step it up for my pups soon. Ben was 3 already, and I made a mental note to play with him in my wolf form more, so he could get used to that side of us. Through clenched teeth, I thanked Alpha Tom for his warning, assuring him I had no intention of contacting Samantha in any shape or form.

After the colossal waste of time that was that meeting, I ran to the pack hospital, so Ben's pediatrician could check him out. He was still running a slight fever, and his rash was getting worse so I hoped there was some ointment he could give us. Shifter pups were basically human before they shifted, and they suffered from various diseases that they needed human medicine for. However, all rational thought fled my head as I approached theoffice door, and all I could think of were summer meadows filled with wildflowers, the sage flowers in them warm and fragrant in the sun. Lucas, Samantha's brother-in-law and Ben's pediatrician, smelled so strongly of my mate that my vision suddenly became very blurry and my face felt wet. My hands were shaking and I was trying to breathe through my mouth but failing to, since my wolfneededher scent. I felt my mind getting away from me, I vaguely saw a plan forming: I needed to see Samantha, I needed to hear her voice, I needed to be around her. I felt my claws extending, and I used the opportunity to pierce my palms with them as a last resort to overcome my animal. I needed to think of Hailey, my beautiful, pregnant Hailey, who smelled only of the fragrances contained in her shampoos and perfumes, Hailey who was so devastatingly good to me and who was not my mate. Lucas sniffed the air and just observed me with a knowing gaze while looking Ben over; he prescribed him something and I didn’t even listen to the instructions, I just needed to make it out of there and lock myself in my house before I did something I might come to regret.

I spent the week locked inside my house, caring for Ben, my parents bringing us groceries and other necessities, until one day my father looked at me with a dark gaze and said, “She's gone.” I felt like a huge weight had been lifted off of my heart, but there was a depression left from where it had been. Ben felt better so I left him with my folks, saying I needed to run for a bit. My wolf ran to her parents' house, a last ditch attempt to catch her scent again, and he did. His eyes rolled back and he groaned, his entire body shivering in ecstasy. I'd never seen himexperience anything like this in all of our years together and a gigantic wave of guilt threatened to knock me over. I'd denied him his mate, his other half. We'd never even seen Samantha's wolf. That was probably why he had distanced himself from me, he was alone and suffering. One of our kind dying after the loss of a mate wasn’t unheard of. I just selfishly assumed that, because my human side loved Hailey and because we’d never marked Samantha, that my wolf would have an easier time of it. Samantha's sister came out to the porch, narrowed her eyes at me, and opened the door for my wolf to pass. He followed his mate's scent to a room on the second floor, curled up on her bed, feeling closer to her than he'd done in years, and we slept through the night for the first time since that night withher. The next morning, Lucas threw a pair of shorts at me and told me to get out quickly, before Sam's father got up. I took the long way home, my head hung in shame.

I just needed Hailey to get home. I needed to hug her, smell her, be buried inside her. She was insatiable during both pregnancies and often rode me with abandon, which paradoxically caused me to hold back even more than usual. I could never let my claws out with her, could never pound into her with my full strength, especially when she was with pup. At the pack gym, I’d see other males walking around shirtless, sporting bloody scratches on their backs that persisted for days despite shifter healing. Some of them would talk in the locker room as they smirked at each other, saying “you know how females get” or “my mate was in heat last week”. They never looked at me or taunted me directly, but I still felt as if they are mocking me. In the human world,being with Hailey made others look at me with envy, and if I was being honest, I’d enjoyed it. Here, no one envied me. Quite the opposite, they pitied me. Not because she was human, but because she wasn’t my mate. I tried not to look at other wolves' marks. Most of the males here had experienced both – being with their mate, sexually, and with others (often humans) before that, so they undoubtedly had knowledge of something that I could only guess at – nothing could measure up to being with your mate. But I was more human than animal, and sex wasn’t the only thing in a relationship. I loved Hailey and I was happy with her. I really was.

CHAPTER 8

May 2015

Samantha, age 24

Lively chatter, laughter, and the clinking of glasses filled the festively decorated pack party hall. We were celebrating my college graduation. My parents had flown out to California with Lainey and her family to join us and I was basking in the light and love of being happy, alive, accomplished, celebrated, and surrounded by loved ones. We'd come so far since we'd transferred into this pack. “I'm proud of you”, I whispered to my wolf, and I could feel her straighten and puff her chest out and I'd like to think that she was proud of me too. I didn’t feel very deserving of her pride sometimes, I felt like I was being too weak, too human at times.

Like last month, when I’d read online that Andrew had gotten engaged to a childhood friend – I spiraled right back down that hole that Brandon had pushed me into years ago. For no reason other than my own trauma, I started thinking that, even forAndrew, I had only been a placeholder, a second choice until his first choice became available, a temporary fling – completely disregarding how often my rational brain tried telling me thatIhad been the one to break up with Andrew, and that I had no idea what his history with his childhood friend looked like. On the bright side, it passed pretty quickly. The self-inflicted scars on my arms and legs healed in no time, and Andrew was shoved back into the same drawer as Brandon – one that I never opened voluntarily, labeled “romantic past”.

For me, even dwelling on happy memories inevitably lead to unintentionally snagging on a rusty nail and pulling a stitch, giving myself emotional tetanus in the process. Maybe in a couple more years I'd think back on my long romantic walks with Andrew and see them for what they truly were – a sweet, young, first, not too serious relationship. I was still uneasy if there were too many mated wolves around me – the nuzzling of the proudly paraded marks, all the sniffing, not to mention the heady scent of arousal in the air – I felt like a hungry beggar standing in front of a restaurant's glass front, gawking at the customers while they ate. That was why, once the slow dancing started, I quickly escaped to the terrace to enjoy the sunset and take some time for my gratitude exercise.

I wasn't the only one who’d had that idea. I'd never met the wolf standing on the terrace, but his face reminded me of someone I knew, so I carefully took in his features, trying to figure out who. He must have guessed what I was trying to do, so he just said:“Alpha Frank's brother.”.My surprise must have shown on my face, because he added, “ten years younger”.

“I didn't say anything,” I showed him both of my palms and smiled without baring my teeth. “Samantha.” He nodded, “James.” He smelled like freshly cut grass, I noticed, cataloging the scent in my mental filing cabinet. He shared his green eyes and brown hair with our Alpha, but the set to his mouth was different, more... disapproving somehow. And he was much taller and broader than his brother. If he was 10 years younger than the Alpha, that would probably put him somewhere in his thirties, but that was as good as I could guess shifter age. We were good-looking folk all around, and our bodies aged slower than humans.

“Am I interrupting something?” I asked, thinking maybe he stepped out for a phone call.

“Not really. This your party?” he asked, taking a sip of what looked like lemonade.

“Mhm,” I hummed while nodding.

“Frank told me you might be looking for a job,” he remarked casually and my ears perked up at that.

“Definitely. What kind of job were you thinking of?”

“I oversee the management of Redwood National and State Parks. I could always use qualified shifters on my staff.”

“So, a park ranger?”

“Basically, at least in the beginning. Part of it would be at the offices in Crescent City, but mostly you'd be in the Parks, doing tours, educational stuff with kids, and patrolling the territory since we’re basically a pack.”

“Is the staff all shifters?”

“The ones in the Parks, yes. Around 150 of them. The city office is just humans. Here's my card, send your application in when you find the time and we'll set up an interview.”

“Wow, I – thank you so much. That sounds like a wonderful opportunity, thank you,” I gave him an honest smile and his eyes softened a tiny bit. His mouth was still one step away from a scowl.

“I'm looking forward to your interview, Samantha,” he said and left the terrace.

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