Page 27 of Unlearning

“2018. Month... June?”

“What's the last thing you remember?”

I really concentrated on trying to remember and then it hit me. Hailey leaving with the kids, the loneliness, the sadness, the despair, losing my family and all my hope, the wolfsbane – I gasped and tried to sit up but of course, couldn't.

“How the fuck am I alive?”

They all exchanged meaningful looks.

“We were actually wondering the same thing, Mr. Lane. Do you feel anything... different?”

“I feel... like the world is under water. The colors are really faded and the sounds are weak. My sense of smell hasn't fully returned either. Is that from the coma?”

The doctor glanced at her chart, almost guiltily. I couldn’t hear her heartbeat or smell her so it was impossible to gauge her honest reaction to my questions.

“We are still running some tests, Mr. Lane. We'll be back during visiting hours to talk to you and your family.”

“My family?”

“Your wife and your parents have been visiting you every day for the last two months. Your children have been by a few times as well.”

“Oh.” I didn't understand, why was Hailey here?

“We'll let you rest for now, Mr. Lane.”

“Thanks.”

Who called Hailey? I didn't want her involved in this, and I sure as hell didn’t want her to visit me out of pity or some misguided sense of marital duty. I also never wanted my children to see me like this. I just wanted to... not deal. The weight of my mistakes and the hopeless situation I put myself in just became too much to bear. I was never good at making decisions or correctly judging a situation, at choosing the best course of action or calculating the possible outcome of my actions. Over the last year, I’d truly come to terms with the fact that I was the weak coward my mate had claimed I was all those years ago. And I could now see that I had again chosen the worst possible cowardly “solution” to my problems. I didn’t know how to face Hailey or my parents.

???

“He's awake,” I heard my mother whisper-shouting before I fully opened my eyes. They were here - mom, dad, and Hailey, my wife. I looked at her and my heart threatened to explode with love.

“Hailey,” I said, my voice hoarse from sleep, and she burst out crying. Her whole body was shaking with sobs and I desperately wanted to hold her.

“Don't you “Hailey” me, you stupid son of a bitch,” she shouted once she managed to compose herself a bit. “What the fuck, Brandon? What were you thinking?” she was still yelling.

“I wasn't thinking, I was... I won't do something like that again. I'm sorry they called you. I didn't do it to get your attention or drag you back here. I am so sorry.”

“Oh Brandon,” she shook her head and was back to sobbing. My parents were just standing there, devastated and pale, my father holding up my mother who looked ready to crumple to the floor.

Right then, the doctors came in. Hailey adjusted the hospital bed so I was sitting up. I stole one more glance at her. She looked sad and exhausted, and I felt terribly guilty for putting her through all this. I kept ruining things for everyone around me.

“Mr. Lane, there is something we suspect happened during your suicide attempt,” I winced at his description, even though that was exactly what it was. “Can you tell me about our individual scents?”

What an odd question. I inhaled, taking in their scent, or trying to. Nothing. I tried once more. Puzzled, I turned to the doctors.

“I can't. I can't smell you.” They exchanged glances again. “What is going on?”

“Mr. Lane, can you feel your wolf?”

I froze. The thing that was terribly wrong. He wasn’t here. I couldn’t feel him. At all. It was a terrible empty feeling. He had been devastated and silent ever we’d seen Samantha the last time but now he was completely gone. I think I killed him, oh God. I started throwing up all over Hailey’s feet. The machines I was hooked up to started beeping like crazy. I could hear someone calling my name but I was struggling to breathe while dry heaving, was this what suffocating felt like? Someone jabbed me with a needle and then it all went black.

When I came to, I was alone in the room again. My mind was racing. I’d killed my wolf. My poor animal was already being punished enough while sentenced to being stuck with me. I denied him his mate, I only rarely let him out, and he and I were never in sync like I’d seen other shifters be with their wolves. My list of sins against him was long and now I could never tell him how sorry I was, how much I loved and appreciated him. How proud I was to be his human. I felt the hot tears streaming down my face. Was there anyone left I hadn't let down? I'd say my children, but I’d almost left them fatherless. Even if they didn’t know it, Ihadlet them down. What was wrong with me? Why couldn’t I do anything right? The nurse that entered caught me by surprise – I no longer possessed enhanced hearing or sense of smell, and I felt crippled without it. This would take some getting used to. She saw my tears and her whole face softened. I could tell she was in the right profession, she seemed very kind.

“We will get you help, you know,” she said softly. “It is protocol, after a suicide attempt. And especially after what happened with your wolf. I am sorry for your loss, by the way.”

“Thank you.” She was the first person to acknowledge my loss in such a way and I appreciated it more than she would ever know. “Do you think,” I cleared my throat, “do you think I can be helped?”

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