Page 47 of One Last Regret

I finish packing and arrive downstairs to find the family at breakfast. The children brighten when they see me, and Amelia gives me a brief hug when I sit down. My heart breaks at their affection. Of course I would determine to leave just as I finally break through their grief.

But I must leave. I must do what Marcel couldn’t and remove myself from a circumstance that is causing me to spiral into madness.

Josephine and Etienne don’t seem much improved, but they do seem relieved to see the children happier. Josephine even suggests that the five of us go on an outing this afternoon. I accept only because I can’t refuse without admitting the reason in front of the children.

I will miss them terribly. I’ve known them for only a short while, less time, in fact, than I’ve spent at any of my positions. Still, I feel that I’ve helped them cope with the worst of the pain the tragedies they’ve experienced will bring them. I wish I could be here to hold their hand through the rest of their journey, but…

Well, I’ve belabored the point long enough. I am far too close to being out of my right mind to risk staying here. I can only hope that I’ve given them enough to hold onto as they pull themselves the rest of the way out of despair.

When we finish breakfast, Gabriel asks, “Can we resume our lessons today, Mary?”

Amelia giggles and says in a mock posh accent, “Oh yes, Mary, can we resume our lessons? I’m justachingto return to my studies.”

Gabriel shoves her playfully and teases, “At least I know how to speak properly.”

"Oh yes, indeed, good sir," she replies. "How droll, how quaint, and may God save the King."

I grin, and Etienne chuckles. It's good to see the children playing with each other again, and of course, that only makes my decision even more painful.

Still, I suppose if I leave in the evening, it’s no different than if I leave in the morning. I’ll give the children one good day. “Of course we can. Only a half day, though. Your grandmother has something special planned for us.”

Josephine smiles gratefully at me, and I feel another pang of guilt. I have been most unkind to her. She is, after all, only a woman approaching old age without the love of her life and with the knowledge that everything he worked for is almost certain to fall apart. She is going through a very hard time. I regret now being so harsh with her.

The children walk to the study room with a bounce in their step. As we pass the parlor, I look at the piano apprehensively. I almost expect to see theVie Apres a la Morton the piano, taped together and looking good as new otherwise.

It’s not there. I’ve finally sent it somewhere even I can’t get it back.

I give the children their lessons, and they dive into the work eagerly. This is good. They’re getting a routine back, and as I mentioned earlier, that is the most effective way for them to overcome their grief.

And I’m about to throw that routine under the bus.

Maybe, with the manuscript gone…

No. I can’t risk it. I can’t have another episode and make things worse.

A chill runs through me as I anticipate my return home. What if leaving New Orleans doesn’t stop the nightmares? What if I try to stop looking for Annie, but she doesn’t want to leaveme alone? What if I end up losing control in Boston and hurting Sean?

I really don’t want to talk to a psychologist. If I do, then they might decide that I deserve to be incarcerated again. I can’t be committed. If I am forced to step foot in another sanitarium, I will never leave.

My earlier good mood fades. The work never ends. Maybe I’ll be better off if I can finally give up on my need to solve my sister’s mystery. Maybe I’ll never be better off. Maybe, like Marcel, I’m too far gone.

“Mary? Are you all right?”

I stir and smile at Gabriel. “Yes, I’m fine. I just didn’t sleep well last night.”

“The storm kept you up?”

“Yes. Wide awake.” I stand from my desk. “I’ll make myself some coffee. Don’t worry about me. Worry about those math problems I see untouched.”

He grins sheepishly and turns his attention back to his work.

I head downstairs and find Josephine in the parlor, staring at the husk of the piano. I am not interested in being roped into any more nonsense, but when I try to walk past, she calls to me. "Mary? May I have a word?"

I force a smile and sit across from her. “Of course. What is it?”

She takes a deep breath and asks, “Have you read the journal yet?”

I sit, frozen. At this moment, I regret not announcing my departure immediately and leaving the house before I can get roped into staying the extra day. “I… You… Did you leave that in my room?”

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