Page 9 of Savage Hope

It’s my birthday today.

Happy Fourteenth Birthday to me!

Still not dead. Still lost in the cycle of this damn place. Still no purpose.

But…maybe for my fourteenth birthday, I could possibly try to…smile? Be happy? It doesn’t feel possible, but I guess trying does no harm.

There are fifteen of us in total in our class. Each with our own initial. It’s fine for the most part, unless we happen to cross paths with someone in a younger year with the same initial, then it becomes even more regimented and they call out our age too. Thankfully, there’s only one other P at Florentine’s. He’s a boy, a year older than me, and he sneers every time I’m close, like I chose the initial I’m called by.

Mostly everyone in my year seems nice enough. Not that I care to get to know them any better. S, however, she seems to leave me no choice.

S says I need to focus on what is possible instead of everything that isn’t. I’m still undecided whether I like her enough to appreciate her opinion. She doesn’t act sad and lonely or scared, so I keep my mouth shut. I guess the sound of her voice isn’t completely irritating.

For now.

Either way, I’m choosing her as my…companion to spend the extra hour outside with me today because a part of me thinks it’s better than being alone.

P x

Dear Diary,

I hate Mrs. Stephens.

I’m not sure if she hates me more than I hate her, but the feeling is definitely mutual.

She’s just…mean.

She made V, a quiet girl who sits at the back of the class, read out a passage today about blood kins. I guess the knowledge about the blood curse that hangsover us is a part of our memories they allow us to keep, but the news keeps changing and evolving.

The law has now changed.

Blood kins may not know of each other until their twenty-first birthdays. We may be isolated like this, but not know of each other until a time declared by someone else.

V started crying, but Mrs. Stephens wouldn’t take over. She made her read it.

I almost started crying too.

I don’t remember anything from home anymore, but I remember the knowledge that you were supposed to learn who your blood kin was so you could protect each other, like siblings, until the blood curse came to fruition.

Apparently not.

Mrs. Stephens enjoyed the pain in the classroom today. She practically sparkled with it.

One day she’s going to enjoy bringing us to our end. I just know it.

P x

Dear Diary,

(I guess it’s a little less lame today.)

There’s a weird sensation in my stomach and I need to write about it.

I’m still sad, but maybe only ninety-nine percent of the time? I don’t know, the loneliness clings to me like a second skin still, like I’m sure it always will, but actually spending time with someone seems to be…helping? There, I said it, I admitted it, but don’t you dare tell anyone.

S drives me insane most of the time, talking and talking and talking, but it distracts away from the pain I guess. When she turns to me and smiles, I feel almost obliged to do it in return, and sometimes, only sometimes, does it linger a little longer than necessary too. As if it’s actually meant to be there on my face.

On top of all that, and while we’re on the topic of S, it’s her birthday today. Even though it’s a day to celebrate her, I felt the butterflies in my tummy too when she chose me to be the one to enjoy the extra hour outside with her.

---