Page 64 of White Room Virgin

“Phil,” I whispered and wiped my eyes again. I felt sick for a moment and pressed my lips together.

“Again!”

“Phil.”

“And now forgive yourself!”

“No. It was my idea to go to the gas station.”

“This is nonsense. It wasouridea. But if anyone is to blame, it’s the truck driver.”

“But I …”

“No, Lu! It's time you finally forgive yourself. It was not your fault!”

My whole body was shaking. I felt dizzy and clung to Steven as if he were the only one who could keep me from collapsing.

“Do you understand me? It. Wasn’t. Your. Fault.”

The words gradually got through to me and I nodded slightly. Even though I couldn't believe it, I felt a weight lift off myshoulders. Despite not believing it, a sense of relief washed over me. Steven let go of me and took a step back.

“I’ll … be right up ahead if you need me.” Steven turned around, leaving me alone.

I stood there for a while, attempting to sort through the myriad thoughts piling up like mountains of garbage in my head and kept repeating Steven’s words over and over again: “Not your fault.”

I’m so sorry, Phil.

With my sleeve, I wiped the tears from my face and tried to keep my composure. But just as I thought I’d finally collected myself, Jonah crept into my thoughts and disrupted everything once more. The memory of our night together surged within me, and the feelings I had been struggling to suppress since then broke through all barriers like a tidal wave, compelling me to crouch down and cover my face.

Shit, man …

I could no longer avoid admitting to myself that I had fallen in love with Jonah. I thought about him the whole time. He was everywhere. He was my buoy, keeping me afloat while Phil threatened to drag me under like an anchor.

But even though I had shown Jonah the possibilities of what kind of world he could dive into, I couldn’t get my hopes up. Unless he allowed himself to be dissuaded from his religious beliefs, he would never take the step of opening up to his true self.

And that hurt incredibly.

It took me a long time to pick myself up, take a deep breath, and say goodbye to Phil. Steven was waiting on a bench and got up as soon as he saw me coming.

“Are you all right?” he asked, rubbing his arms.

I bit my lower lip and nodded cautiously.

“They’re always open here,” Steven said with a grin on his face. “So if you feel like it, you can come here any time. They really do let anyone in here. It’s a great place.”

I struggled to force a smile. “It’s not just him.”

“What do you mean?”

“I … met someone.”

“What? And why are you only telling me this now?”

“Because it doesn’t matter. He doesn’t want to know about me.”

Steven sighed. “I’m sorry, man. Shall we go for a coffee?”

By now I was also feeling cold and was glad about the suggestion. As soon as we had left the cemetery, Steven pulled out the tobacco. “Oh, by the way,” he said as he crushed the weed in his hand. “You’re celebrating Christmas with us.”

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