Page 70 of White Room Virgin

Do something!

But he did nothing, just looked at the floor, probably wondering what I had lost in his studio. I asked myself the same question.

Why did I come here? What do I even want here? What do I want from him?

As soon as I realized where I was, I should have turned on my heel and left as quickly as possible. Instead, I stood there transfixed, still not understanding why I felt so miserable. Never before had I been plagued by such self-doubt. I was shocked. Not only had my worldview been shaken, but my faith in God had also been affected. Hadn’t I been a good Christian? What had I done to deserve this? Had Daniela and Martin been right all along, and had I truly been stumbling through a world bound and blindfolded, not meant for me? And wasn’t Lucien’s comment just something I said? Could I be the one to blame for everything?

There it was again, that dark cloud that enveloped him. I had brought it upon him, and he had draped it around himself like a cloak. It hurt me to witness his state. His laughter had eluded me for weeks, and the memory of his bright green eyes had begun to fade.

Look at me!

But he avoided that too.

Something inside me broke.

What if he never looked at me again? What if I disappear now and never see him again?

Panic spread through me. There was no way that was going to happen! And yet I felt so powerless.

Lucien’s words echoed in my mind when he tried to convince me to choose him after sex—You are choosing something that doesn’t exist.

All of a sudden, the scales fell from my eyes. What an idiot I’d been to put Lucien behind someone I’d never met. Behind God. After all, I wanted to discover new things and leave the strict faith of my parents’ house behind. Stunned, I expelled the air and stroked my hair. “Lu, I’m sorry,” I whispered, ashamed.

Lucien didn’t move, so I gathered up all my courage and took a step toward him.

“You should leave,” he said without looking at me.

“You’re kicking me out?”

“You can blame me for that. That’s fine. But please…” His voice was barely a whisper, and the pleading tone angered me so much that my body acted on its own. I put my arms around Lucien and hugged him from behind. But he broke away from me and backed away.

“If you do this … if you don’t go,” he said in a trembling voice, “there’s … no going back.”

His eyes were fixated on the floor as if waiting for me to depart the studio. But I couldn’t. Even if I had willed myself to,my body refused to comply. “I can’t leave,” I stated. Summoning every ounce of bravery, I extended my hand toward his chin and gently guided his head toward me. I needed him to look at me, to understand the gravity of the moment.

He appeared tired, but his eyes still shone. I gently stroked his forehead and gave him a tentative kiss on the lips. But it wasn't enough—I could see that on his face. He was fighting with himself.

“And I don’t want to go,” I whispered and kissed him again, a little harder this time.

I had prayed for weeks and begged God to forgive me. But it was the moment Lucien put his arms around me that freed me from all the burden. It was hard to believe how happy I felt when he opened my jacket and slipped his hands under my sweater. I was committed; there was no turning back. Despite my fears about what was to come, I had no intention of leaving. I gently detached myself from him and gazed at him. There was one more question I needed to answer before I could take the plunge completely. “Am I a replacement for him?”

Lucien drew his brows together and shook his head. “No. Never.”

I wrapped my arms around him and held him close, pressing my head into the crook of his neck, taking a deep breath and letting his warmth and scent lull me.

He slipped his hands under my sweater again, stroked my bare skin, and clawed at me like a small child. His possessive nature turned me on more than I was willing to admit. It lit a fire inside me.

I tried to break free from him, but he wouldn’t let me. “Lu …?”

“I’m not letting go of you.”

“Oh, I … actually … wanted to kiss you.”

33

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Lucien

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