Page 58 of White Room Virgin

I stood there, shaken, pondering if Lucien had intended for me to witness him in such a state. Martin noticed my bewilderment and, with a slow shake of his head, conveyed that this was likely not the case. I retreated to my room in silence.

Shit …

Whatever had happened, I could have avoided it; I was sure of it. The way Lucien appeared in the bar that evening, I shouldn’t have hesitated; I should have taken him homeimmediately. The way Martin behaved also bothered me. He was my guardian and had been like a big brother to me since we were small children. How could he just send me away like that now?

My microcosm was destroyed, and I felt trapped in my room. And suddenly, I realized how incredibly empty it actually was.

Nothing but an empty white room.

I remembered the crosses I’d seen at the thrift store, but I didn’t regret not buying one.

The white walls resembled projection screens, and Lucien seemed to have claimed them for himself. His presence permeated every inch of the space, even though he wasn’t physically there. And yet not there. Instead, someone else was sitting at the kitchen table.

What if he’s not as strong as I thought?

The thoughts in my head raced faster and faster, and I could feel the pressure mounting around me. Perplexed, I stood by the window and observed the snow-cleared street below. With the temperature still above freezing, my lungs could have easily handled a sprint to the lake.

All of a sudden, I heard noises from the kitchen again. A chair was moved and soft music started playing. Shortly afterward, there was a knock on my door. Martin came in and greeted me with a bitter smile.

“What happened?”

He shook his head. “Are you hungry?”

Disappointed, I looked down and nodded.

“We could order pizza.”

The thought of sitting at the same table with Lucien and eating pizza made me uncomfortable. I had seen him with the woman and hadn’t said anything. This secret alone made me feel like I had sinned again. Simultaneously, my stomach tingled with anticipation—I could hardly wait to see Lucien again. Even if he didn’t give me a glance, I just wanted to look at him.I wanted to look into his green eyes and somehow draw his attention to me.

Maybe I can engage him in conversation? He can’t ignore me forever … can he?

“Is everything all right?” Martin asked, snapping me out of my thoughts. “You look like you’ve got something on your mind.”

I immediately shook my head. “No, everything’s fine. Pizza sounds great.” Mentioning that I had seen Lucien in the bar wouldn’t have changed the situation. In fact, I was just relieved that he was in his room. Gathering myself, I headed to the kitchen to set the table while Martin ordered pizza delivery. After that, I lay back on my bed to read. Soon, the doorbell rang, and when I came back into the kitchen, there were two pizza boxes on the table.

“Do you want me to get Lu?”

“No, don’t bother,” Martin said, opening the boxes. “This one has ham and this one has vegetables. Help yourself.”

I looked worriedly at Lucien’s door.

Maybe another time.

27

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Jonah

Although Lucien disappeared again on Saturday evening, he at least appeared at home more often after that—albeit only late in the evening. Half asleep, I could hear the front door and his mumbling as he stumbled over the threshold. But he disappeared again in the morning, like a thief in the night, without leaving a trace.

When I came out of the bathroom on Wednesday morning and almost collided with him, my heart almost stopped. With only a bath towel around my waist and my hair dripping, I stood looking at him as if Jesus Christ had appeared to me. Lu was obviously just as surprised, standing with his back against the closed door of his room and would certainly have backed away even further if it had been open. His hair was disheveled and he still had a small Band-Aid on his cheek. Were those bruises on his neck? His green eyes sparkled as he lowered his gaze slightly, still looking at me like an animal on the lookout.

None of us could say a word. I held my bath towel and stared at Lu. My heart was pounding like crazy in my chest.

It was only when his gaze wandered over my naked upper body that I realized I was almost naked. Feeling embarrassed, I brushed back my wet hair, though I didn’t think it made the situation any better.

Lucien hastily tightened his scarf, concealing the marks on his neck, and swiftly squeezed past me. As the door to the apartment slammed shut behind him, I was overcome with a sadness that plunged me into a deep hole. I hadn’t been prepared for something like this. I rushed to my room, put on some clothes, and replayed the situation I had just experiencedin my head, but I couldn’t come to a conclusion about how I could have been more open with him.

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