Page 16 of White Room Virgin

Lucien furrowed his brows and regarded me as though my words were utter nonsense. “You’re cute,” he said and kept walking.

“Don’t you believe in God?” I asked in surprise and followed him.

“No.” The answer came quickly, and before he continued, he lit a cigarette. “Why should I?”

I was so horrified that I simply didn’t have the words. When our eyes met, he rolled his eyes. “And now you look as if you pity me.” He appeared so sad as if he was carrying the weight of the world on his shoulders.

“My offer still stands. You can accompany us to church any time.”

Lucien forced himself to smile and took a big drag from his cigarette. He exhaled the smoke loudly. His eyes jumped nervously from one point to the next. In an instant, vulnerability vanished, replaced by a coldness that enveloped him like armor. A profoundly dark gleam shimmered in his eyes. “You know, Jonah, your ignorance is enviable,” he said in an arrogant tone and took a sip from the can.

The sudden shift in mood caught me off guard, but I sensed that he had merely donned a mask—a shield to ward off something.

“Why are you judging me?” I asked calmly.

“You shouldn’t put everyone in the same box. So leave me alone.” As if he wanted to flee from me, he left me standing there and walked faster.

I watched him walk away, completely baffled. “But … I’m not doing that.”

What just happened?

Before I could catch up with him and confront him, he entered the courtyard of our house.

8

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Jonah

When I glanced at my watch, my heart stopped for a moment.

Crap! I overslept for the first time in my life.

I jumped out of bed and gathered my clothes. If I hurried, I could still make it to the second half of the lecture. But then a question popped into my head.What will people think of me if I barge into the middle of the lecture?

And should my unreasonable behavior really go unpunished? I was here in Zurich to study, not to spend my Sunday evenings hanging out in bars. I couldn’t let myself get away with that.

Invisible forces were pressing down on me from all sides, as if God himself was trying to make me understand that I had sinned. And suddenly, I couldn’t breathe. No, the afternoon lecture had to be enough. I hauled my suitcase out under the bed and changed into my training clothes.

I didn’t mind the downpour and flooded streets. I ran like a maniac toward the lake, onto the Horn, through the Botanical Gardens, and back along the other side of the river.

Completely soaked and exhausted, I returned home around noon. When I pushed the front door open, Lucien was just coming out of his room. With tousled hair, puffy eyes, and a T-shirt, he looked as if he had just gotten out of bed.

“Are you crazy?” he asked as I removed my wet shoes from the stairwell and put them on the shelf.

“I missed the morning lecture,” I grumbled, still annoyed about it.

“Ah, self-flagellation,” he mumbled, inserting a cigarette in his mouth before shuffling into the kitchen.

I took off my wet clothes in the hallway and went straight into the shower. Under the hot stream of water, the thought of going to confession again crossed my mind. It had been nearly a year since my last confession, and while in Zurich, there were some things that I needed to confess. For instance, I had to master the art of declining when Lucien insisted on going to a bar on a Sunday night. I had to resist the allure of alcohol due to my low tolerance. Above all, I had to cultivate mindfulness to stay focused on my studies, which were my utmost priority.

Yes, confession wouldn’t be a bad idea to cleanse myself of my sins.

Dressed only in a pair of jeans, I went into the kitchen afterward and promptly ran into a wall of cigarette smoke. I headed straight for the window and opened it. Relieved, I turned around and saw Lucien—I hadn’t even noticed him. He was sitting calmly at the kitchen table in front of an open magazine, with a cup of coffee next to him and a lit cigarette in an ashtray. He glanced at me with a half-open mouth, as if anticipating a snide remark.

“Oh, hello … didn’t see you there.” I don’t know why his presence bothered me for a brief moment. Embarrassed, I forced myself to smile.

Okay, just act normal. He seems to have forgotten our strange conversation from last night.

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