Page 27 of The Embrace of Evergreen

It only takes the one small suggestion and he suddenly doesn’t look sad anymore, and my stupid breath catches at the way the freckles on his nose crinkle up when he smiles at me.

“You know what, I’d love that.”

We give up the search for breakfast and make our way back to the car. It takes us nearly twenty minutes to navigate through congested tourist traffic before a tiny little bakery truck parked beside a large green Victorian home comes into view.

“Wait here for me?”

Ethan just nods with a shy smile. “Always.”

It takes me the entire seventeen-minute wait to convince my poor heart that it was just a figure of speech. He didn’t really mean that he’ll always be around, waiting for me.

A box of pastries, two coffees, two bottled waters, and thirty more minutes of driving through dim, narrow streets lined with forests so dense that only stray rays of light streak through and reach the asphalt later, I pull over into a seemingly abandoned parking lot. There is one other car, an old, decrepit thing that looks as if it was abandoned years ago, and the gravel crunching under our tires is nearly covered with rust-red pine needles and thick patches of emerald moss. There are no people to be seen or heard and no signs of civilization other than the decaying car and a small wooden trailhead marker whose paint peeled away long ago, leaving only a silvered cedar post and a small metal plaque bearing the trail’s name.

Pale autumn light fights its way through towering evergreens, and a chilly mist hovers thickly in the air, beading up lightly on my skin as soon as we step out of the car. The heady, familiar scent of salt and redwood and pine settles heavily into my lungs.

“Why are we in the woods?” Ethan’s voice sounds relaxed, but when he puts it that way, it does seem a tad…murdery.

Forests this dense and thick and alive have always felt like the acoustic opposite of large grand cathedrals to me. Something about them seems to absorb and soften even the loudest of sounds, and the laugh that bursts from my chest seems quiet and subdued. Small amidst the grandeur that surrounds us.

“Okay, I get that it might seem a little odd coming all the way out here to walk through some trees when trees are literally everywhere in Washington, but there is just something about these old-growth forests that has always been peaceful to me. Even when I was a kid, whenever the world got to be a bit too loud or overpowering, I’d take off into the woods and just sit and listen and feel. I come here to lose myself…maybe to find myself, and I think maybe you could use a few minutes like that.”

Once again, I’ve let all of my thoughts escape without censor.

“It’s perfect,” Ethan says without hesitation, and relief rushes through me as I gather up the remains of my coffee and our waters before locking the car and following Ethan toward the trail.

We walk in silence for so long that I forget anything else exists. There is nothing in the world other than the scent of damp earth and the whisper of the redwoods and the crunch of bark and twigs and pine needles under our feet. I don’t know how far we walk before Ethan turns off the path and into a small clearing to settle on a bench that feels as old as the forest itself. Though it looks as if it’s grown up from the forest floor, it must have been installed years ago when the trailhead was originally cut.

We sit close enough that the heat from his thigh soaks into mine, and it’s all I can do to stop my fingers from reaching out to play with his.

“This is what I do with my weekends.” The serenity in Ethan’s voice surprises me, given that the reason we’re out here is because he needed a momentary break from reality.

“You come to the woods?” My voice comes out a little too loud, a little too shocked, but I can’t hide the tiny burst of excitement that rushes through me at the fact we both spend our free time doing the same thing. Maybe he’ll want to do this again sometime. It’s yet another item on the growing list of things we have in common even though we’re such different people, and with each one, itbecomes harder and harder to tell myself that it’s normal for people to like similar things rather than believing it’s proof we’re perfect for one another.

He nods without looking in my direction. “Mmm.It’s grounding and balancing in a way that makes me feel somehow both small and unimportant while still reminding me just how vast and miraculous the universe is. In places like this, I’m no different than any other living thing in existence. No better, no worse. My problems are no harder to solve, no easier to dismiss. I find that comforting somehow.”

He takes a long, shuddering breath before continuing. “Thank you, Blue. Thank you for bringing me here, for inviting me this weekend, for opening my eyes this morning. Thank you for accepting me into your life as if I’m worth taking a chance on. I haven’t had a lot of that, and it means more than you know.”

I lose the battle with my fingers and settle them lightly on his thigh.

“It’s my pleasure. All of it.”

We’re quiet again for a long while as we listen to the simple sounds of life swirling around us.

“Do you not have any family?” It’s the first time I’ve plucked up the courage to ask anything truly personal, and I’m terrified that asking might break the quiet feeling of contentment that’s settled around us, but I want to know Ethan. I want to know everything abouthim. He’s opened up in so many ways over the past few months, but something about the way he always seems to hide behind his professional smile and the skillful methods he employs to deftly shift conversations when they turn personal has always left me feeling like pushing for answers might scare him away. He’s let me see him this weekend, the complete, authentic, unfiltered reality of him, and if I’m really lucky, maybe he won’t shut my question down. Maybe he’ll let me just a bit further into his life.

“Not really. I mean, my dad's alive and all, but we don't talk much, and I haven't seen him in more than a decade.”

“God, you had to have been what, nineteen or twenty that long ago? What happened?”

He shifts slightly, turning to face me as his brows furrow. His eyes are the color of the life that surrounds us. They’re constantly shifting depending on his moods and the light we happen to be in at any given moment. I never tire of watching them transition from moss to fern to redwood. I’ve seen them appear to be sage and emerald and every color in between, but for a moment, the light in his eyes seems to dim, and they appear darker than even the blackest pine. I’ve pushed too hard. Clearly, it’s not something he wants to talk about.

“You know what. I’m sorry. That’s none of my business.”

“No, it’s…it's okay. I’ve never…I’ve never told anyone, but then again, I’ve been on my own for so long, I’ve never really had anyone to tell.”

My thumb idly rubs along his jeans where my hand rests on his thigh while I wait for him to decide how he wants to continue. Obviously, whatever happened wasn’t great if he left home alone as a teenager, and to have been without any kind of support for more than a decade is something I can’t even imagine. I honestly don’t know what would have become of me if Gabriel hadn’t taken me under his wing.

When he finally speaks, the hushed and intimate sound of his voice seems to vibrate along my skin. “When I was seventeen, I realized I was in love with my best friend. My male best friend, Jordyn.”

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