Page 77 of Winter's End

She was just taking the pizza out of the oven when I walked in. The apartment was surprisingly clean—way cleaner than mine at the moment—and I took that for the warning sign it was.

Winter’s apartment was only clean when she was stressed. Or doing some major procrastinating.

Was she stressed about me? Was I so big-headed to think I could cause a scrubbing frenzy?

I shook my head, knowing her stress could be from any of a thousand things in our lives right now. Her parents, my parents, the town falling down around us—take your pick. I secretly wanted it to be about me—I needed to know she was as torn up about this recent development as I was.

I wanted her to need me as badly as I needed her.

I dropped my laundry bag to the floor and wrapped my arms around her waist, burying my nose into her hair while she cut the pizza.

She dropped the blade and held my hands tighter to snuggle into my hug before turning around and nuzzling me.

“Have you been taking your meds?”

What? Fuck, that wasn’t what I wanted to talk about. By the determined glint in her eyes, I wouldn’t get away with stone-walling.

Fuck.

I tucked my freshly-washed hair behind my ears and rubbed the back of my neck with both hands, grabbing onto my shoulders and looking up at her retro popcorn ceiling.

If she was asking, she knew I wasn’t. But fuck me if I wanted to have this conversation.

“You know the answer to that question, Snow.”

Her fingers brushed my chin as she pulled me down to look at her. I stared into the beautiful eyes of the woman I’d give my life for in a heartbeat.

“Why, Quick? Why would you torture yourself like that?”

I brought my hands up to wrap around her wrists. I turned my head to kiss her palm and leaned into the security of her warmth.

“I don’tneedthe antidepressants, Snowflake.”

“You do, Quick.” Her tone was gentle, but her expression was firm. “You know every time you stop taking them, you spiral. This is a bad time to decide to go medication-free, don’t you think?”

I closed my eyes and held her tight as I admitted that fact in silence.

Ididneed the antidepressants. She knew it, and I knew it. I’d been taking them ever since my early teenage years, when I struggled to get over Mom’s accident and the hormonal changes of puberty. My brain just wasn’t wired properly, and the chemical imbalance could only be tempered with the help of some handy synthetic drugs.

I didn’t hide it, but it wasn’t how I wanted to start a conversation, either. Depression was an experience I had to mitigate, not the definition of who I was. Sometimes, people who hadn’t suffered from the illness couldn’t separate the two, and I didn’t like feeling like I was a victim of some terrible disease. I wasn’t.

There was no difference between me and a diabetic needing insulin, or a person with a heart condition who needed their life-saving meds. We were all just playing poker with the hand we were dealt, getting a little help from modern medicine.

I’d missed a dose a few weeks ago. And then, I’d missed another dose—and two more. It wasn’t intentional, but once I was feeling shitty, I struggled to force myself to take the meds to feel better.

It was hard to explain, but with Winter, no explanation was necessary. She’d seen me through every relapse I’d had since I was fourteen.

I should have come to her before now, but avoidance was my favorite vice, and I excelled at it. A-plus, Michelin Star-level avoidance talent, at your service.

I opened my eyes to see she still awaited my answer. She hadn’t stopped gaping at me, or staring through me, it would seem. I loved and hated that she could see the very thoughts streaming through my head, like my mind was a made-for-TV movie.

I steeled myself for her rejection, but I had to go for it. It was time. We’d waited years for this moment, and I wasn’t letting it slip away.

“I need two things right now, Snow. And neither of them are my pills.”

I tried to convey every twinge in my heart and the need slowly hardening in my sweats. “I need you, and I need your beautiful body. I need you to give me everything—everythingwe’veever needed. Are you ready? Can you give that to me?”

Fuck it—if I was going to do this, I was going all the way.

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