Page 99 of 10 Ways to Accidentally Fall in Love

“Okay. Insert the nozzle.Hoo, boy. Not even dinner first?”

No, no. I can do this.Come on, Bradley. Easy peasy. Insert and squeezy. The question is…wheredo I do this?

“Standing or seated position,” I read. “Uhhh. So it’s either stick something up my butt while sitting on the toilet or stick something up my butt while watching myself in the mirror? That’s…a choice.”

Fuuuck.

“Standing,” I decide. “But, shit, what if I…drip? Is that a thing? Can I drip? Jesus Christ, I need backup.”

I swipe my phone on and call Jason. I’m more than certain Joey would be happy to help me if he knew I was doing this. But that’s the whole point. Hedoesn’tknow. Because I want to surprise him. And,maybe, if I’m being entirely honest, I want to prove to myself I can handle this on my own. Ormostlyon my own.

“Bee?” Jason answers after only a couple rings.

“Birdie! I need your help.”

“What’s that echo?” he says. “Are you…are you in the bathroom?”

“Sure am.”

There’s a beat of silence. “Please tell me you didn’t call while taking a shit.”

I snort. “No, dude. Of course not. I’m just about to anal douche for the first time, and I don’t know if drippage is a concern. But tell me fast because this water is quickly losing its just-under-lukewarm status, and you know how I don’t like to be cold.”

There’s a far longer beat of silence this time before Jason sighs. “I have so many questions, and I’m not sure I want answers to any of them. Hold on. I’m getting Cas.”

I bounce on my heels a couple of times as I wait, eyeing the douching bulb that I’m sure is mocking me.

“Shut it,” I mumble. “You’re about to go up my ass, so—”

“Hello?”

“Cat-man!” I call. “How’s it going?”

“Good,” he says. “You’re on speaker. Jason said you need help with…douching?”

“Yeah, man. So here’s the deal. I’ve got the bulb lubed up and ready to go. It’s time for insertion. I just don’t know if I should stand or sit.”

“Ah,” Cas says as Jason mumbles something I can’t make out but that sounds suspiciously likecan’t believe I’m raising a baby bi. “First thing. You didn’t lube the bulb itself, right?”

“Oh, no. Just the tip,” I assure him.

“Good. Because you don’t insert the whole thing.”

“Right,” I huff, looking down at the rather wide bulb. “Yeah, no thanks. Although I suppose if it got stuck up there, Jason could—”

“Nope!” he shouts.

“But you’re a nurse!” I counter.

“And I’d refer you to someone else,” he says, sounding farther away.

“Where’s he going?” I ask Cas.

“Drink,” Cas answers. “So, personally, I like to stand in front of the toilet with one foot up on the seat, right? That way you have easy access and can sit right down after.”

“That makes sense,” I agree.

Better than the wholestare at my reflection awkwardly in the mirrorplan.

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