Page 100 of 10 Ways to Accidentally Fall in Love

“Another option is doing it in the shower,” Cas goes on. “Then you can wash up at the same time.”

“Multitasking. I like it. Question, though. How do I, like, hold the water in like it says to?”

Jason must be back because he says, “You just…hold it.”

“Right. Buthow?”

“You hold it,” he says firmly. “Like…justholdit.”

“Right,” I say again, slower. “Buthowdo I do that?”

“I got this,” Cas says calmly. “You know when you’re worried about passing gas in public?”

“Ohhh,” I say in understanding. “You just hold it.”

“For fuck’s sake,” Jason grumbles.

“Is he doing that angry, bristly cat thing?” I ask Cas.

“Sure is,” he answers, sounding fond.

“Your death will be swift,” Jason promises.

“Okay, I think I’m good, dudes,” I say happily. “I’ve totally got this. Wish me luck and a speedy clean-out!”

Cas sounds as if he’s saying goodbye, but the call clicks off too quickly to hear the full thing. Sweet, bristly Jason.

“Okay,” I say aloud. “It’s me and you, you…douche. God, that’s weird.”

Getting into position, I pop my foot up on the lip of the open toilet, the bulb in hand. I have to kind of…feel around for the right spot. Which is different. Not bad. I’m just not all that used to actively seeking out my butthole. Target acquired. So now I just…put it in.

Yep.

Here we go.

Aaandokay. That’s…also different. Just slipped right in there, didn’t it? Good, good. The instructions said not to go too far. So right there should be fine. I think? And then I’m supposed to just…squeeze the bastard for up to ten seconds. Which is a pretty big margin in which error could occur, if you ask me. Might as well err on the side of less. It said to flush a couple times anyways.

“Yep. That’s decided. We’re doing six seconds, bulby, just like any good hug should last. Okay. One, two,hoo, that’s weird. Three. Four?Ahh, five. Six. That’s probably good, right? Yep, calling it. Now I just…take you out?”

Hold it, hold it, hold it.Andthere. Nozzle is free.

I put my foot down, bouncing a little before decidingnope, no bouncing. No bouncing at all.

“This is so fucking weird,” I mumble, trying a shimmy. And okay, maybe no moving whatsoever. How long am I supposed to hold it? Because gravity is doing its job like a motherfucking champ, and this water wants to return to sea.

Leaning over, I grab the instruction sheet, skimming the directions.

“Why don’t you say!” I shriek. “What’s a ‘moment’? That’s not a goddamn standard unit of measurement. Are we talking seconds? Tens of seconds? Have I passed the moment mark? Ahh!”

I drop the paper and plop my ass down on the toilet.

“Oh God, oh God, oh—”

Five minutes later, I’m shoving a clean and dried douching bulb into its new home inside the drawer under my sink.

“I’ll concede to a draw,” I tell it grimly. “I think we can both agree there was no clear winner today.”

The bulb stares back at me. Smug bastard.

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