Page 68 of The Broker

“I’m okay with it, but,” hesitation forced her to lean back in her chair, “remember how I don’t sleep with someone unless I’m in love?”

I did a perfect impression of a statue, not wanting to reveal any of the thoughts running through my mind. “So, friends with benefits, but...”

“Not full benefits, no.”

She looked at me with trepidation, like she thought her ‘no sex’ rule was a defect she wasn’t sure I’d be willing to put up with. I hated that I’d made her feel that way.

“I didn’t handle it right the first time you explained it to me. I’m sorry,” I said. “There’s nothing wrong with having boundaries.”

At that moment, a scary thought descended upon me.

Kissing her the first time we’d been together had been nice, but it didn’t compare to the one we’d shared tonight. The big difference between then and now was that I hadn’t really known her then. Hadn’t cared about her the way I did now.

God, what if she was on to something?

Did sex without feelings pale in comparison to sex with someone I’d fallen for? I had no way to know. It’d been so long since I’d had romantic feelings, and even then—I’d never been totally sure I’d ever been in love.

“Can I ask why, though?” I said.

She hesitated and something like fear moved through her expression. “Why I won’t have sex without love?”

“I could be way off, but is this a worthiness thing?” I tried not to grimace. “No sex until a guy has proven himself worthy of you?”

Whatever confidence she’d had before, completely abandoned her as she took a long sip of her drink, and I got thesense she’d only done it to stall and contemplate her response. Then, she plunked it down and delivered a look that was so anxious it made my stomach twist.

“I’m going to tell you something,” her voice was unsure, “I’ve never told anyone else.”

My chest tightened uncomfortably. “Okay.”

It took her a long time to form the sentence. “When I was a senior in high school, I got pregnant.”

I held perfectly still, not wanting to show any reaction and unintentionally hurt her, especially because she clearly had more to say.

“I can’t take the pill.” Her gaze lingered over the glass in my hand, rather than my eyes. “I mean, I tried, but it made me feel foggy and depressed. I didn’t get an IUD until college, so until then, Ialwaysused condoms. My boyfriend at the time, he seemed understanding.”

Anger flared at the word she’d chosen and its implied meaning. “Understanding?”

“When I told him I was pregnant, he swore the condom must have broken. But he was weird about it, and...”

I tensed. “You had your doubts.”

Her focus returned to me. “I don’t know. I didn’t think he was the type of guy who’d take a condom off during sex, but I also didn’t think he was the type of guy who’d fucking ghost me when he found out, leaving me to deal with it on my own.”

Fire burned up my throat. “If he took the condom off without you knowing, that’s assault.”

She frowned. “I’m not sure that’s what happened. And at this point, I’ll never know. I miscarried a few weeks later. My parents never knew because I was too fucking terrified to tell them.”

Jesus. I sat back in my seat, processing it. “Fuck, Charlotte. I’m so sorry you went through that.”

“Thanks,” she said softly.

And I hated that she’d gone through it alone. But she was stronger than she let on, and she drew in a breath, exhaling it slowly, as if cleansing the bad thoughts away.

“So, since then, I’ve been more careful.” Her half-smile was empty. “A handjob is safe. A guy wants to go down on me? Safe. Blowjob?Safe. If something goes wrong, it isn’t going to accidentally change the course of my life forever.”

“I get it.” Fuck, did I understand. “I’m sorry if I made you share something you didn’t want to, or—”

“You didn’t.” She softened. “Is it weird to say it felt good to tell you?”

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