Page 5 of All the Drama from New York

Ryan Collins sucked in a deep breath and forced his best smile to stay rooted to his lips.

My face hurts like the devil. All this stupid smiling.

What no one had bothered to mention to him during the long and arduous audition process was that reality tv shows involved tedious hours of standing around, followed by take-after-take as the film crew shot so-called spontaneous scenes. And during all that time the contestants were expected to remain constantly smiling.

The twelve bachelors who were all vying to win the heart of the bachelorette Kaylee were lined up in a neat row next to the swimming pool of theBachelors on the Beachmansion. Derick Stad the show’s highly polished host slowly moved along the row of contestants introducing each one of the men in turn.

It was long and laborious task for all concerned. With take after take being made as the film crew tried to get the perfectclose up shot of each bachelor, along with their best piece of dialogue.

“Ok folks, Ryan Collins take six, mark!” cried the clapper loader. Ryan steeled himself for yet another introduction from Derick.

And smile.

Derick had already introduced Ryan five times, and each introduction had involved him having to put on his brightest smile and recite the same inane lines word perfect into the microphone.

“Now your bachelor bio says you are a coffee magician. What exactly does that mean?” asked Derick.

It means someone in the writers room thought they could write a gag at my expense.

Ryan gave the same amused chuckle he had the other five times. “Well Derick, it really means I am a barista, but a highly skilled one. I know what sort of coffee every customer who comes into the coffee shop wants before they place their order.”

Derick turned to the cameras and gave the audience at home a conspiratorial wink. “So if our bachelorette, Kaylee, is looking for a man who knows exactly what she wants, Ryan might well be her perfect Bachelor on the Beach.”

Ok, now we move on to the bit about my hair. Remember to make the joke about looking like Thor from the Marvel movies.

“Now Ryan, let’s talk about your stunning shock of blond hair. I swear if you started working out a bit more you’d look just like a certain Asgardian. Did you happen to bring your big shiny hammer with you?”

Ryan laughed softly as he’d been instructed. “Well Derick, I loved the Thor movies as much as everyone else, but unfortunately for me, there is only one blond god able to wield that mighty weapon. I promise if I ever meet him, I’ll make sure I get his coffee order right.”

And smile. And keep smiling.

The host moved onto the next guy, and the introductions started all over again. Ryan knew not to move an inch, the continuity people would kill him if he did. He had to remain perfectly still, grin plastered to his face, until someone eventually, mercifully, called “Cut!”

The best he could manage was to wriggle his toes in his shoes. While he was certain he’d lost all feeling in his legs, he could still feel the sweat as it trickled down his thighs.

Why had no one warned him about the humidity in Florida? He couldn’t believe February was meant to be the dry season down south.

And they have me in a three piece suit!

They were nearing the end of day two of filming, and he was already beginning to regret letting his brother Liam talk him into applying for the show. He’d only gone through with it in the end because the producers had said they would give Liam, who was a professional photographer, a well-paid gig taking candid photos of the cast if Ryan signed on the dotted line.

“Ok folks, that’s a wrap for this evening. Make sure you get your photos taken for today, so we know what you looked like on day one of the show. Then go to the costume team and change back into your own clothes. Don’t forget we need you here in hair and makeup tomorrow morning at five am sharp,” cried one of the set crew.

Ryan’s shoulders dropped. He was exhausted. The contestant standing next to him, whispered, “I have a friend who was on season three of Marrying an Heiress, and he says the best tip is to get as much sleep as you can. Bring a pillow and a fold up chair to all the long shoots and find a place to sit and snooze in between your appearances on camera.”

Ryan knew from the multiple scene takes that Grant, one of the two African American contestants on the show, had aMasters in Architecture and ran his own Chicago based design firm. He’d attended Princeton, and was planning a political career at some point. The guy ticked every box. So why was he on a reality dating show?

With the viewer votes not likely to work in a lowly barista’s favor, Ryan decided now was the best time to ask his fellow contestant the obvious question.

“What gives, Grant? Why are you putting yourself through this torture? I would have thought a guy like you would have women lining up around the block to date you.”

An easy smile drifted to the other man’s lips. “Do you know how many people are expected to watch this show? The opening episode will probably top fifteen million viewers. Even if I get voted out the first night, the publicity for my business will be worth millions of dollars.”

Wow, and I thought Liam earning the money to keep travelling, and me being able to finally pay back our folks the money they lent me was a sweet deal.

He offered Grant his hand and they shook. “I hope you last right to the end, man.”

“Thanks Ryan, and I hope you and your whole Thor god of thunder look, goes a long way too.”

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