Page 89 of Devoted

I was about to point out how absurd that was, but managed to catch myself before I did.This is his OCD speaking. Remember what Benji said—what’s logical for most people can be unfathomable for Sam.

Taking the packet from his hands, I put it on the floor beside us and then took his hands in mine. “These tablets, what are they?”

“SSRIs,” he said, elaborating when he saw the question on my face. “Anti-depressants, but these are specifically for anxiety and conditions like OCD.”

“Okay.” I racked my brain for anything I knew about anti-depressants. Frustratingly, not enough, but you could bet I’d be picking Benji’s brain as soon as Sam was asleep for the night. “Am I right in thinking you can have different dosage levels?”

“Yes.” Sam’s brows furrowed, not seeing where I was going with this.

“Are you on the maximum dose?”

“No, I’m on a hundred milligrams. It’s half the maximum of what you can take.”

“So if you do take an extra tablet, you won’t be overdosing, right? I mean, it’s not ideal, but you won’t be medically in danger.”

Sam’s frown deepened as he thought about it. “But what if I’ve taken multiple this morning? This might not be the first time I’ve thought about it. Maybe I realised earlier and took one. This could be the third one I’ve taken.”

“Or you might not have taken any,” I said gently. Benji had said reassurance wasn’t good in the long term, but like fuck was I going to watch my mate spiral and not try to help. “I’ve beenwith you since shortly after you woke up. You haven’t taken any tablets while you’ve been with me.”

Sam’s eyes started to clear slightly. “Are you sure?”

“Positive, baby.” I squeezed his hands for emphasis. “Does that help? Can you take it now?”

His gaze darted to the meds on the floor as he chewed on his lip. Then, ever so slowly, he shook his head in defeat. “No. I’m sorry. I’m so fucked up. You shouldn’t have to put up with th?—”

I silenced him with a kiss, keeping my mouth on his until I felt him relax into me. Only then did I pull away, knowing what to ask next. “Will it make you sick if you miss a dose today?”

“Um, no.” He looked slightly punch drunk now, which I’d take over anxious. “I have to miss them for, like, three days before I’ll get any side effects.”

“Okay, then we’ve got time to make a plan. Have you considered using one of those pill boxes?” I was sure something like that was available, right? A quick Google would help me find one, I was certain.

Sam pulled his hands from mine, giving me a tight smile. “It’s alright, Zeke. This isn’t on you. I can deal with this alone.”

I stared at him in confusion. “Of course you can, but you have me now, so you don’t need to.”

He was shaking his head, not meeting my eyes. “Nah, it’s fine. I don’t expect you or anyone else to make allowances for me. I can manage.”

“I didn’t say you couldn’t. I’m saying I want to help.”

Sam tried to stand, but with me between his knees, he couldn’t. He tried twice before realising I wasn’t going to move. Dropping back onto the bed with an exasperated sigh, he raised his brows. “Seriously? You’re gonna keep me pinned here?”

“I am if you’re going to be a muppet,” I said. There was none of my usual temper in my words, just the utter conviction thatthis was the right thing to do. “Youcando this alone, but now you don’tneedto. Unless that’s actually what you want?”

“Of course it’s not.” My temper might’ve been under control, but from the colour steadily climbing from under Sam’s collar, his wasn’t. “I fucking hate going it alone, but what other option do I have, Zeke? Everyone who has tried to help me has failed. They’ve failed because Ican’tbe helped. Don’t you get that?”

“I do, but I think you’re wrong. I’m not saying I can fix you. You don’t need fixing. But I can help you, Sam, if you’ll let me.”

“You say that now, but then you’ll leave.” The laugh he let out was full of bitterness. It made me want to track down everyone who’d put it there, who’d taught him to expect the worst, and end them in the most painful way possible. “Everyone leaves me, Zeke. They all think they can put up with it, but they can’t. And that’s fine. Even I can’t cope with me most days. I don’t expect anyone else to either.” He lifted his chin and frowned. “Why are you smiling?”

“Because.” I let my grin grow wider. “Because I know I’m going to prove you wrong. I’m not leaving, Sam. Not unless you make me.”

He was silent for a moment, his eyes searching mine for any hint that I was giving him false hope. I let him look as much as he wanted, knowing he’d never find it.

“What if my OCD makes you leave?”

“No,” I said calmly. “Your OCDcannotmake me leave, only you can. If I’m being brutally honest about it, the odds of me leaving even then are slim to none. I’ll just camp out on your roof until you forgive me.”

“My roof? That’s oddly specific.” His lips twitched, a little of his usual self finally breaking the surface. “Is this one of your weirdly intense moments?”

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