Page 20 of Devoted

I lowered myself down, the ancient leather supple under me. “Do you know about it?”

Benji waved his hand in a so-so gesture. “I know some, but I can find out more if needed. What do you want to know?”

This was another reason why I’d chosen Benji over everyone else. He wouldn’t askwhyI wanted to know, he’d just answer my questions. “Well, to start, what is it?”

“OCD stands for obsessive compulsive disorder,” Benji began. “It’s a mental health condition. People who have it often experience uncomfortable intrusive thoughts.”

“Doesn’t everyone have intrusive thoughts?” Even as an angel, I’d experienced them. Quiet whispers suggesting I pull my wings in mid-flight, causing me to careen to the ground, to see what would happen if I let myself just completely shatter into pieces.

Benji hummed. “They do, but not in the same way as people with OCD. With this condition, you’re likely to obsess over the thoughts. They’re also usually darker and more unsettling than what the average person might experience. They play on the individual’s fears, suggesting they want to do or are capable of acts they wouldn’t ever actually do.”

“Such as what?”

“Such as hurting or assaulting someone. Things in that vein, usually.”

Something soured in my gut. Was this the kind of stuff Sam was wrestling with? “So it’s just about the thoughts?”

“No. These thoughts often cause extreme distress and anxiety for them, which leads to compulsions. Acts the person will do to try and mitigate the thought.”

“Like, as a workaround or a superstition?”

“Yes, but on a more extreme level.” Benji tapped his fingers on the chair rhythmically. “Their OCD tells them that if they do a specific thing, their intrusive thought won’t happen.”

I rubbed a hand over my forehead, wishing it would click into place for me faster. It was just so outside of how my brain was, I didn’t know how to process it.

And for some reason, Ihadto know. I had to understand this. “Can you give me some examples?”

Once again, Benji didn’t ask why before responding. “If they see a knife left out on the side, their OCD might tell them that they will stab someone with it. Because of that, the person might insist that knives are always kept out of sight, or that another person in the household is responsible for them. Another example could be a mother with a small child. She could have the thought that she is going to throw her child down the stairs, so she sits and bumps down the steps on her bottom, holding the child closer than usual. Or perhaps insists someone else should be responsible for carrying them down.”

“People with OCD really doubt themselves that much?”

Benji nodded. “It’s actually called the doubting disease in some circles. OCD can make you question everything about yourself—your morals, ethics, self-worth, even your sexuality. Because they spend so long trying to sort through which thoughts are theirs, and which are the OCD, sufferers canbecome confused. Often they ask for reassurance from others around them. This, in turn, doesn’t help in the long run, as it gives their OCD more power.”

“So if someone I loved was suffering with OCD and they asked for reassurance, I’m supposed to not give it to them?”

“It’s not as black and white as that,” Benji said baldly. “If their anxiety is high, the short-term relief of the reassurance will help them. It’s not a good long-term strategy though.”

My mind was racing with all the information that Benji was giving me. Did Sam have loved ones he could ask for reassurance? Did his compulsions affect his day-to-day life? From what he’d said about not having the post office collect his parcels, I was going to assume they did. “Is there a cure?”

“A cure?” Benji raised an eyebrow. “It’s not like a scraped knee, Ezekiel. The brain is a complex organ. Mental health is something that’s rarely perfect for anyone. It’s something that has to be managed over time.”

My frustration had the monster growling, but I took a deep breath. Benji could and would beat my arse if necessary. “Can it be treated then?”

“I believe a combination of medication and specialised therapy is required. Even with that though, it’ll never go away. There’s a lot of debate as to whether it should be classed as a neurodivergent condition, due to how it affects the brain.”

“Neurodivergent like autism?”

Benji nodded. “There are several areas that fall under the ND umbrella—autism, ADHD, Tourette’s, dyslexia, and dyspraxia among them. OCD is one that is frequently being added to the list by some practitioners.”

When discussion had started around neurodivergent conditions earlier in the century, specifically autism, Benji had suspected it applied to him. It hadn’t changed his behaviour or how he processed things, but he seemed happier now he had alabel. It wasn’t that anything was wrong with his brain, it was just different.

“So his brain works differently to a neurotypical person?”

Benji tilted his head. “Whose brain?”

I cursed internally. Benji might not ask questions, but even he wouldn’t let something like that pass. “It doesn’t matter.”

Benji smirked, like he knew something I didn’t. I mean, it was accurate. Benji knewmanythings I didn’t, hence why I was here. “Yes,his—whoever he is—brain will work differently to yours. Things that seem perfectly logical and reasonable to you may be unfathomable to him. If he’s having a bad day, his emotional side may take precedence.”

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