Page 16 of Devoted

what do you do? I don’t think you’ve ever told me

I sat back in the chair, watching with growing confusion as it showed Zeke typing. Then stopping. Typing again. Stopping.

What was he doing? Surely it couldn’t be that difficult to tell me what he did for a living.

The longer he took, the louder my thoughts became.

‘You shouldn’t have asked.’

‘It’s crossed a boundary.’

‘Maybe he’s unemployed and embarrassed.’

‘Maybe he’s an old bloke in a nursing home.’

‘Maybe he’s a serial killer with a penchant for skin suits.’

The thoughts swirled faster and faster, tugging me into the centre of the spiral. I fought to stay at the edge, refusing to let it win. If it did, it was likely I’d log out of this game and never open it again.

Yes, really. It didn’t take much to push me over the edge. Something as small as this could set off a chain of compulsions so scary that I’d do anything to stop them in their tracks.

Including putting an end to my conversations with Zeke.

Knowing how desperately I didn’t want to do that, I grabbed the notebook I kept beside my laptop for this very reason. Flicking to a clean page, I hastily jotted down my thoughts and fears on one side.

‘I made things weird.’

‘Zeke won’t want to talk to me ever again.’

‘My brain is going to ruin this for me, just like it ruins everything else in my life.’

I stared at that final one and swallowed hard. No. Not today. Not this. I wasn’t going to let it.

Pushing forward, I wrote down the rational responses.

Asking what someone does for a living isn’t weird—it’s part of small talk.

Zeke mentioned his job first.

I am not my OCD.

I underlined the final one a few times before rereading the short list. By the time I was done, the thoughts were quieter. Less overwhelming.

And I had a reply from Zeke waiting.

4

Ezekiel

Zeke

I’m a professor of anthropology

No matter how many times I stared at it, it didn’t go away.

I dropped my head into my hands. Why the fuck had I said that? I didn’t knowanythingabout anthropology. I only knew the term because it had been one of Benji’s hyper fixations about five years ago.

And as for me being a teacher…the idea was laughable. I couldn’t deal with the antics of the twins, let alone lecture halls full of students.

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