"What about the people who have no one in their lives?" one of the social workers quizzed. "Because not everyone's lucky to have people to love."
"Then it is the Church as a whole that should help them find someone or something to care for—-"
A scoffing sound from the other social worker cut her off."That's it? That's your answer? For high-suicide-risk individuals to look for leeches to hang on to them? That it's better to have people suck them dry as long as it keeps them alive?"The other woman's tone bordered on disgust, and even though Diana knew better than to take things personally, she couldn't help it, and her eyes started to sting.
Unfortunately, this only seemed to rile up the woman even more. "Oh, for God's sake!"
"Give the child a chance to form her thoughts and defend her beliefs, Luisa," the Carmelite nun murmured. Turning to Diana, the soft-spoken nun gave her an encouraging smile, saying, "Go on, Ms. Leventis."
"The reason why I want it to be the Church to help individuals struggling with depression find something or someone to care about is because it's the Church. It would make no sense for the Church to give us someone unworthy to care for."
"That's a very risky suggestion," Mr. Bakker said quietly, "and I say that both as a trained psychologist and a Catholic. The Pope may be made infallible by the grace of God, but other members of the church aren't so lucky. There's every possibility 'mismatches' could occur, and if that happens, the person they're supposed to care about becomes another reason for them to kill themselves."
Diana could feel herself paling. She hadnever...oh God,she hadn't even thought of that angle, and when she saw the professor's tight-lipped gaze, she suddenly knew. Even without him telling her, she knew -thiswas probably one of the issues he had taken pains to bring up in the emails he had sent to her. Emails that she had moved to trash without reading a single one of them.
Luisa was right, Diana thought numbly.
I am being a kid about this.
And the people she wanted to help, the people who were supposed to be her purpose - they deserved better.
The professor asked her to stay behind as soon as Telemann began playing in the background and the rest of the panelists started to rise.
"Yes, sir." Diana's tone was subdued.
Nouveaux Quatuors Parisiens (No. 4 in B Minor) continued to play. It was one of her favorites, but for once, its serene melody failed to soothe her. It was like reliving one of those horrid blame sessions she used to suffer daily under her mother, and Esther would itemize every little mistake in the most disparaging fashion.
In those days, she had been able to bear her mother's rebukes because she had known she didn't deserve them.
This time was different. This time, she was at fault. This time, she had truly failed.
And when the professor finally gestured for her to come forward, what hurt even more was when he only said, "Do better next time."
She swallowed hard. "You can shout at me. I was stupid."
"You were."
"I shouldn't have ignored your emails. I...I know that now."
"Good."
"Whatever you have to say, I can take it." So please, please,pleasebe cruel. Because it was this quiet tone of his that she couldn't bear. It made her think of so many stupid things, and she couldn't risk that. She just couldn't.
"So if you want to shout at me, just do it. I don't deserve—-"
"No, Ms. Leventis." The professor's tone was stiff. "It's not about what you do or don't deserve."
Finally,Diana thought in relief.He's going to be lash out. Hurt me. And most of all, he's going to remind me just how wrong I was about him all this time.
But that was not the case at all.
"Remember why you are working on this in the first place," the professor said grimly. "Recall the purpose that drove you and had my whole class moved to tears. Rememberthe people you wished to help -and next time, remember it's about whattheydeserve."
Instead, he showed her that she had been right all along.
Hearing what he had to say, knowing he understood where she was coming from despite her screw-up, how could she not see it?
She hadn't been wrong.