Page 70 of We Used To Be Magic

‘Sorry,’ he says again. ‘But – can we not talk about it? Not right now, at least?’

‘Okay,’ I say, feeling distinctly wounded. He jams a cigarette between his lips and fumbles with his lighter. He can’t get it to work, and is muttering darkly under his breath when I reach outand gently take it from him. It comes to life in my hand. He leans in to the flame, then seems to hesitate, taking the lit cigarette from his mouth without bothering to inhale and tossing it into a planter.

‘I really like you,’ he says suddenly. ‘You know that, right?’

I blink at him, slowly lowering the lighter. My heart has taken this opportunity to remind me of its existence, hammering in protest, but I refuse to echo his words. I want him to elaborate. To tell meexactlyhow much he likes me. In what way.

‘I worry that you’re going to disappear,’ he continues instead. ‘That one day I’ll message you to hang out and you’ll be like,“Sorry, I’m in England.” ’

‘I wouldn’t disappear like that,’ I say, trying to sound measured. ‘I still have your clothes, for one.’

‘Right.’ He smiles faintly. ‘My towels, too – what happened there?’

‘They’re washed and dried and at my apartment. I’ve been meaning to give them back – whenever I stay at yours it’s always … impromptu.’

Meaning that I only ever stay there when I’m a sobbing, hysterical wreck. Ezra’s nice enough not to point that out, though.

‘Stay whenever,’ he says. ‘Stay for ever.’

He sounds serious – is he serious? I open my mouth only to close it again a second later, suddenly struck by an awful conviction that I’m letting this moment slip through my fingers. I mean – Ezra just told me what I’ve been wanting to hear from almost the first moment that I met him, and I somehow pivoted the conversation totowels–why?Why, when I haven’t even told him the only thing I actually want him to …

‘I really like you too. You – you knew that, right?’

Fuck. I wanted so badly to sound casual, when I said that – matter-of-fact, like I was riffing on what he’d said and notproffering my heart for his inspection. But it all came out in a borderline unintelligible rush, and I’m half-expecting Ezra’s face to split into a grin – for him to say something sarcastic or teasing. Instead, he just kind of … stares at me.

His pupils are blown, lips slightly parted – I’ve never seen him look so utterly unguarded. Then he swallows, throat bobbing as he steps towards me, and suddenly we’re so much closer than we were – I look up at him, feeling like I might teeter backwards, but I don’t. Ezra’s hand is at my waist, holding me steady.

‘Uh – I didn’t, actually,’ he says quietly. ‘But I was kind of hoping.’

We stare at each other for a moment more, his eyes dark and searching.Please, I think, and it’s the last coherent thought I have before his mouth is on mine and the rest of the world slides away into nothing.

I briefly become incapable of processing anything that isn’t concerned with the proximity of my body to his, only faintly aware of his lighter falling from my grasp and clattering to the ground. I’d forgotten I was ever holding it, too concerned with looping my arms around him as his grip on my waist tightens, pulling my body into his. My weight is going out from under me – either that or the earth beneath our feet is crumbling, but it doesn’t matter because he’s got me, here in his arms, cradling my cheek as he parts my lips with his …

My knees actually wobble then, and I pull away with a gasp. Igasp, and it’s so mortifying that I immediately bury my head in his chest to hide my face. Ezra laughs and I can feel the vibrations of it, except – except that’s not laughter, actually. No, those areactualvibrations.

‘Um – is your phone ringing?’ I manage, glancing down – sure enough, his phone is lighting up his trouser pocket, buzzing insistently.

‘Ignore it,’ he says throatily, absently threading my hair between his fingers. ‘It’s not important.’

‘How do you know?’

‘It’s not more important thanthis, then,’ he clarifies and just like that, it stops ringing.

‘See?’ He grins, eyes glittering. There’s a colour in his cheeks that wasn’t there before, his hair askew – I don’t think he’s ever looked more beautiful, actually, and I’m currently struggling to believe that this is all actually—

The phone starts ringing again.

‘Take it,’ I say breathlessly. ‘I, um – I’m going to go get water.’

‘No,’ Ezra says quickly. Then, after a pause – ‘I mean – I’ll go with you.’

‘Really, take it,’ I say, feeling slightly dazed as I start to back away. ‘I just – I’ll meet you in there.’

‘I – are you sure?’ Ezra says, sounding deeply,deeplyreluctant. I nod, flashing him a smile before I turn away – this is good, I decide. I should probably take a second to compose myself before I blurt out something stupid. Except—

I impulsively spin back around, then, though to do what, I’m not sure – maybe I just want to look at him again. But he’s already turned away, phone in hand. And when he raises it to his ear, I see that it’s Edie calling.

Edie.For a second the name means nothing. But then my brain slots it into place and I immediately avert my gaze, nausea rushing over me.

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