Page 87 of We Used To Be Magic

She’s turned away from me now, staring up at the ceiling. I study her profile in silence, hoping to God that this is the right thing to do.

And if it isn’t, that she’ll find a way to forgive me.

AUDREY

EZRA MAKESEGGS INA NESTAGAIN,A PERFECTYOLK THATSPILLSgold when I puncture it with my knife. I eat it all, drink a mugful of hot black coffee. I want this every morning for the rest of my life – I want this to bemylife too. For the battered stovetop pot to beourpot, the chipped red platesourplates. I don’t want to go back to the sad tiny apartment that smells like damp and desperation. I don’t want to face Marika and talk about everything I’d rather forget. I want to be the girl that lives here.

It would be easier to lose myself in that fantasy if Ezra hadn’t been staring into space for the past five minutes, his brow furrowed.

‘That was really good,’ I say, wiping my mouth on a crumpled restaurant napkin. ‘Thank you.’

‘No problem,’ he says, expression clearing momentarily. I wonder if he remembers the way that we were tangled together last night. I woke up in the early hours of the morning with hair in my face, and it was only when I moved to push it away and felt how soft it was that I realised it wasn’t my own. I was basically on top of him, my leg drawn up against his torso, his arm thrown carelessly over my waist. But I was half-asleep and none of that seemed strange so I let myself sink back into unconsciousness, lulled by the steady rise and fall of his chest.

But he doesn’t want to kiss me this morning. He was going to and then he didn’t, and I don’t know why.

‘Do you want me to walk you back to your apartment?’ he says suddenly.

‘Um – I don’t mind,’ I say, stung. ‘When do you need me out of here by?’

‘I don’t – not at all. I just figured you might have stuff to do.’

I nod. He knows that I’m actively avoiding Marika. Maybe he thinks I’m a loose cannon now, and he’s trying to extricate himself as delicately as possible. What if he only ever saw this as a casual thing, and I’ve scared him by implying I want to stay in New York?

‘I guess so,’ I reply. He lightly taps his fingers against the table.

‘We can walk,’ he says, almost to himself. ‘It’s a nice day. We can take the scenic route. Walk and talk.’

‘Sure,’ I say, nonplussed. ‘Um – do you remember seeing my phone, last night?’

The message from the journalist has been hovering at the periphery of my thoughts all morning. Bile rises in my throat again at the prospect of actually having to deal with it.

‘No,’ Ezra says. ‘Want me to look?’

‘It’s probably in the bedroom,’ I say, getting to my feet and wishing that he’d let me put off reality a little longer. It’s unfair, I know. Ezra’s so generous that I don’t know what to do with it most of the time.

I pad into his room. My phone’s nowhere in sight so I turn my attention to the bed, pulling back the duvet and blankets. I spot it tucked under a pillow, only to pick it up and realise it’s Ezra’s. The screen flashes to life in my hands, revealing a string of notifications, and I’m about to toss it on top of the sheets when I see my name amongst them.

I feel myself go still, then, instinctively glancing at the door. Ezra’s in the kitchen – I can hear him at the sink, washing dishes.Don’t, I think, except it’s already too late – I raise the screen and start to read.

Mac

22.42

marika asked me for your number and i gave it to her. cool?

UNKNOWN

22.45

I need to speak to Audrey and she’s not picking up her phone. I know she’s with you. Please get her to call me.

UNKNOWN

22.49

MISSEDCALL

UNKNOWN

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