Page 86 of We Used To Be Magic

My breath catches in my throat, then, trapping my words. I bolt upwards, suddenly seized by an overwhelming sense of panic.

‘I’m so sorry,’ Audrey says quickly, sitting up beside me. ‘We don’t have to talk about it. I’m sorry if I pushed you.’

‘It’s fine,’ I say quickly, absentmindedly pressing my knuckles against my sternum. It’s slightly painful, which is good – a sensation totally separate to whatever the hell just happened.

‘Can I get you anything? A glass of water?’

‘I’m good. I should be able to talk about this shit,’ I say firmly, embarrassed. Audrey bites her lip. ‘I’m good,’ I repeat. ‘Don’t worry about it.’

I’m not good. I feel terrible, sick with unease – like I’ve somehow spoken it into existence despite the fact that it happened more than six years ago. God, I’m such a hypocrite – here I am wanting to know every minute detail about Audrey’s life, but the moment I try and share something with her I have a total fucking meltdown. I’m not even sure why I want her to know so badly, but I do. I really fucking do.

I lie back down on the bed, only now I feel like I’m on a therapist’s couch. But Audrey settles back besides me, shifting on to her side – I do the same and we’re facing each other, closer than we were. I’m still too embarrassed to meet her eyes, but then she reaches out and puts a hand against my chest, same as she did last night.

‘Is this okay?’ she asks quietly, splaying her fingers where mine were just moments before.

‘Yeah,’ I say hoarsely. ‘Yeah, uh – that’s good.’

Good is an understatement. It’s like a hush has fallen in my brain, her touch forcing my focus on to breathing normally.

‘I haven’t talked about this stuff with anyone,’ I confess then. ‘Not family. Not friends. Not licenced professionals, even.’

‘Not Caroline? I thought you guys were close.’

‘Close-ish. We’re all pretty disparate, honestly. I almost didn’t come back, after school.’

‘Do you miss it?’

‘School?’

‘England.’

‘Oh. Yeah, actually. Will you put me in your carry-on?’

‘If only you weren’t so tall.’

‘I’m serious.’

‘You’re not.’ She smiles sadly, glancing down. ‘You’ve got too much to keep you here.’

‘For now, maybe,’ I concede. ‘But maybe that doesn’t matter.’

‘No?’

‘No. Not to me, anyway. You have this way this way of making the ocean feel like a minor detail.’

Her eyes return to mine then, pupils blown so wide I can barely see her irises. I realise what I’ve said, then – that for all my questioning about her leaving, I’ve never actually admitted that it won’t matter if she does. I mean – I’d rather she didn’t, obviously, but she could set off tomorrow for a colony on the moon and I’d still suggest long-distance. Hell, I’d be chartering the next rocket out of here to join her.

‘Well – maybe the ocean doesn’t need to come into it,’ she says, voice soft and hesitant. ‘Marika wants to stay – I thought it sounded crazy when she first said it, but now – I’m not so sure, now.’ Marika. The jolt of dread I feel when I hear her name doesn’t make sense, at first. I like Marika. Marika more or less likes me. But then I remember – I remember what she knows, now. What she knows becauseItold her, and what she’ll inevitably tell Audrey the moment she sees her.

Audrey, lying beside me, so close that I can count her freckles. I was so stupid to think that I could protect her, because it’s painfully clear to me now that all I’ve done is betray her trust. I know that – I’veknownthat, and yet in these little pockets of happiness I let myself forget. But it has to end. I have to tell her everything.

Every moment between us will be poisoned until I do.

She’s looking up at me, lips slightly parted. My heart is still hammering, seemingly intent on propelling me forward to meet them—

‘Are you hungry?’ I blurt out instead. Her expression flickers, and something behind her eyes seems to shrink, flatten.

‘Sure,’ she says after a beat, offering a tight little smile as she withdraws her hand. I’ve hurt her. I’ve hurt her feelings, and it takes every molecule of willpower I have not reach out, pull her into me, press my lips to hers and beg for forgiveness –

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