Page 85 of We Used To Be Magic

‘I don’t care. I told you, you can stay for ever. I hate living alone.’

‘Really?’

‘Uh-huh. I’m used to having roommates. I lived with a guy called Dev, at school. Then a Hugo.’

‘Oh. I knew a Hugo.’

‘Yeah? Was he the worst person in the world?’

‘No!’ She laughs. ‘He was sweet.’

‘Must have been a different Hugo, then. Was yours a boyfriend?’

‘Definitely not,’ she says, but the colour in her cheeks suggests otherwise.

‘Was it love?’ I press. ‘Did he look like Captain von Trapp?’

‘We kissed once, and he didn’t look like anyone! Does it matter?’

‘No,’ I lie, like I’m not burning with hatred for this faceless stranger. ‘I’m just curious.’

‘It was a long time ago. Or – it feels like a long time ago, at least.’

‘I guess it’s all relative. I mean – it feels like you’ve beenherea long time.’

‘Yeah,’ she says, brow puckering slightly. ‘And it’s been incredible. There’s so much that I love about this city.’

‘Including me.’

‘Right.’ She smiles. ‘Glad you said it, so I didn’t have to.’

‘I sense abutcoming, though.’

‘But… I know it’s not my real life.’ She sighs. ‘And back home, my parents – honestly, I’ve barely spoken to them since I got here. It makes me feel awful, but then it’s like this weird paradox, because talking to them makes me feel even worse – my mum especially. She …’

Audrey falls silent mid-sentence, then, pressing her lips together like she’s just said something terrible.

‘She what?’ I prompt, curious.

Audrey glances over at me with big, worried eyes. ‘It doesn’t matter. I didn’t – I’m sorry. We can change the subject.’

Ah. This is a misconception I’ve run into a few times – people think that becausemymum is dead, I’ll find any reference to thebroad concept of motherhood inexorably painful. But it doesn’t work like that – not for me, anyway. It’s more complicated –shewas more complicated, which I suppose is true of every parent.

‘Don’t worry about it,’ I say lightly. ‘My mum being gone doesn’t mean that everyone else’s is immune to criticism.’

‘Still,’ Audrey says softly. ‘I can’t imagine it ever gets much easier.’

‘No,’ I concede. ‘Not particularly.’

‘Do you – is it something you want to talk about?’

‘I mean – sometimes,’ I admit. ‘But it’s not easy. Like – even on a semantics level. A lot of people have pretty strong opinions about what terms you should and shouldn’t use – not that that’s not valid. Just – yeah. It’s difficult to navigate in a few different ways.’

God, what the fuck am I even talking about – a ‘semantics level’? I sound like a psychopath, and that was a pretty drawn-out speech considering I managed to sidestep the one thing that I was actually trying to say. I’m sure Audrey realises what I’m alluding to, but …

‘Did she … was she unwell for a long time?’ she ventures. I swallow – this is harder than I’d anticipated. I never talked about any of this with Edie. She knew, of course, but when we first started getting close I told her that I didn’t want to get into it. Then, further down the line when I started to wonder if maybe Ididwant to get into it, it seemed too late.

‘Uh – yeah,’ I manage, though I’m starting to feel distinctly off-kilter. ‘Since she was young, I think. There was a post-partum element, apparently, but – I don’t know. It ebbed and flowed. She tried a lot of doctors, a lot of meds. And she had some really long stretches where everything was good, but …’

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