Page 66 of We Used To Be Magic

There’s no way that I can explain away his actions now. I don’t even know if I can avoid him, either. I don’t doubt that he’ll find ways to be near me, if that’s what he wants.

‘Shut up,’ I say, not even realising that I’ve spoken aloud until I hear the words. I clap my hands to my mouth, praying that Ezra didn’t hear.

This is exactly why I can’t let my thoughts get away from me.

Why I have to stay busy.

When I make my way back into the kitchen, Ezra is at the stove. I hover beside him, face clean, teeth brushed. The toothbrush thatI used last time was still in the bathroom and sitting in a cup beside his own, which I tried (and failed) not to read too much into.

‘Oh. Eggs in a nest.’ I smile, peering into the sizzling pan. Inside are two slices of bread with circles cut out of them, an egg in each centre. The circles are in the pan too, toasting.

‘You’ve had them before?’

‘Uh-huh. My dad used to make them on weekends.’

‘Mine too,’ he says after a beat. ‘Weird.’

‘Does he live nearby?’ I ask, oddly touched by the parallel.

‘Tribeca.’

‘Do you see him much these days?’

‘Lot of questions for a Sunday morning.’

‘Are two questions “a lot”?’

‘No,’ he says after a pause, listlessly pushing the toast circles around with a spatula. ‘I’m deflecting, apparently. Sorry.’

‘No, I’m sorry,’ I say quickly, realising my mistake. ‘You never push me to talk about anything. The least I could do is return the favour.’

‘I’m not sure that’s true,’ he says mildly. ‘I’ve pushed plenty.’

‘Very gently,’ I concede, watching the easy way he grips the pan, oddly transfixed by a vein running through his hand. I held that same hand last night, all the way down to the takeout place and back again. It seems surreal now.

‘What are you doing today?’ Ezra asks then, eyes cast down as he deftly flips one of the slices. ‘I mean – did you want to hang out here?’

Yes, I think.For ever, if that’s okay.

‘I should probably head back to the apartment,’ I say instead, wary of overstaying my welcome. ‘Check in with Marika. Run errands – boring life stuff.’

‘Right.’ He nods. ‘So – still no plans to leave, then?’

‘Oh, you mean New York? Um – no. Not that I’m aware of.’

‘Right. I just – you said you were staying for the shoot but that’s obviously done with now, so …’ He trails off, shrugging.

‘I don’t know,’ I say. ‘I just do what they tell me.’

‘Then I hope they tell you to stay,’ Ezra says mildly, gaze still trained on the eggs. ‘Selfishly.’

My heart lifts, but the happiness I feel at hearing Ezra say those words is mingled with an awful sense of revulsion at the truth of my own. Me coming to New York was supposed to be a chance to stake my independence, but all I’ve done since I got here is let other people make decisions for me – I’m like a doll with a pull-cord, only ever sayingyes, yes, yes. Even to things I didn’t want.

Julian must have seen that inside of me – a deep, clawing desperation to be liked, praised, included. To be good, no matter what that looked like.

‘Me too,’ I hear myself say, and Ezra looks at me sideways, smiling.

I smile back, hoping he won’t notice that I can’t bring myself to meet his eyes.

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