Page 59 of We Used To Be Magic

‘You keep clothes in your locker?’

‘I keep everything in my locker. I could live out of this place if I wanted to. And I’ve considered it.’

‘Times are tough, huh?’

‘Yeah,’ he says shortly. ‘And for that reason, I’m going to continue stealing your cigarettes.’

I roll my eyes but pass him the pack – I keep my cards in the wallet Audrey gave me now.

‘Aw, shucks.’ Mac smiles, slipping it into his pocket. ‘And it’s not even my birthday.’

‘It’d be a pretty sad excuse for a gift if it were. Besides, I thought you were a singer.’

‘Occasionally. Why – are you worried about me damaging my instrument?’

“Aren’t you? What about that school you always talk about – is that still happening?’

‘Yeah,’ he says after a beat. ‘I’m just waiting to hear back, is all.’

‘But you can act and sing or whatever outside of it, right? Like – if you wanted to audition for something—’

‘And admit that I’m a failure?’

‘A failure?’ I laugh. ‘You’re nineteen.’

‘Exactly.Dominic got into Juilliard on his first audition and we’re literally the same age.’

Dominic, Mac’s maybe-date from the other night.

‘Right. How that’s going?’

‘It isn’t,’ Mac says matter-of-factly. ‘He’s into monogamy and I’m not. Not right now, anyway, so – go on. Judge away.’

‘What makes you think I’d judge you for that?’ I frown.

‘Because you probably have an adorably conventional line-up of conventionally adorable ex-girlfriends, which – that’s fine! Totally fine. But it’s not for me.’

‘One ex-girlfriend,’ I correct him. ‘And she wasn’t conventional.’

Mac raises an eyebrow. ‘I see. The one that got away?’

‘No, uh – she comes and goes as she pleases, I guess.’

‘You still see her?’

‘Just the other night. She’s in the city, so …’

‘She better not be reason that you’re dragging your feet with Audrey.’

‘I’m even not going to dignify that with a response,’ I tell him, ignoring a prickle of unease. This is getting a little too similar to the conversation that I had with Caroline, who’s been AWOL since her blowout with Maggie. She’s been doing it for years, now – just taking off whenever she feels like it, never offering explanation or notice. I guess the important thing is that Romy doesn’t seem to mind, which is probably part of why things are working out between them. Caroline has always chafed under anything resembling dependency.

I worry that I have the opposite problem, sometimes. That I need too much to be needed.

‘Well, I’m team Audrey if you do fuck her over,’ Mac says airily. ‘Celebrity hanger-on is my back-up career, and she and Marika are my best bets right now.’

‘Does the whole acting thing really begin and end with one school, though?’ I press. ‘Like – have you ever thought about getting an agent and just seeing what happens?’

‘Sure,’ Mac says after a pause. ‘But I don’t think I’d ever stop feeling like I missed out, you know? Juilliard – it’s not just about getting to act. I want to study my craft. And Idon’twant the defining role of my career be a toothpaste commercial.’

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